Hello. Just wanted to ask if how I’m feeling is normal? First the backstory…
My Dad died in 2006 - so a good while ago, after a short battle with Lung and Liver Cancer. I’m an only child, but even at 34 I found his loss utterly devastating. Fast forward to last year and my Mum passed away after a long illness. Her death (and illness) was nothing short of soul destroying. My parents were divorced, but were my literal lifeline. I am married with a family of my own, so I do have support BUT I feel so alone. I have good days and bad days, and the bad days are crippling. I’ve just tried to describe it to my husband and as he has all his family with him he just doesn’t get it. Ironically he’s not close to his family. They all rarely bother with each other - so yes there’s part of me that’s jealous!
The way I feel is that I’m in a room with no windows or doors. No one is the room - just me. My husband and (adult) kids are outside in the sunshine and I don’t even think they realise I’m in this room. No one could get in even if they wanted to and I don’t have the energy to get out. So I feel resigned to the rest of my life in this god awful empty room.
I feel that at 53 I shouldn’t be in this room. My parents both lived well into their 70’s and I was with them both when they died and throughout their last months on this planet. I was able to give them both beautiful send offs - nothing was left unsaid. So why do I feel this way.
@OneBrightStar
I’m so sorry you are feeling like this.
You describe how you are feeling really well and I wonder if you have spoken to your doctor at all. Maybe you need to be able to talk to someone outside your family circle who can advise you and put you on the right path to help you recover from your losses
You are too young to feel this way, there is life out there for you.
You need to be helped to be released from your anguish and get in that sunshine and live your life with those you love. Your mum n dad would wish for that for you
Hi Mitzi - yes I am wondering about outside help. I know my Mum & Dad wouldn’t want me to feel like this. I promised them both faithfully that I’d be ok…gave them both the reassurance they needed to leave if you like. They needed that. I wasn’t ok. I don’t feel I’ll ever be ok.
Im so sorry for your losses @OneBrightStar - I lost my Dad in 2001 and then Mum in 2023 after becoming her full time carer for the final year. And for me, losing Mum was like having my soul ripped out
Firstly, its still early days for you so I think everything you are feeling is normal (not that theres anything “normal” about grief!) And particularly if you have no outlet where you can comfortably share how you’re truly feeling without fear of either being misunderstood or of worrying your family. Its exhausting carrying the weight of grief alone day after day. I would agree with @Mitzi1 and suggest maybe talking to someone outside the immediate family might help. Have you explored what bereavement support groups are in your area? Sue Ryder run “grief kind” spaces in some areas, local hospices often run bereavement support services which are not just for hospice users. Your GP surgery might know whats running in your area.
I dont have a partner or kids, and i found that my close friends just didnt understand how i was feeling, so i felt totally alone and completely understand your analogy of being in a dark room. My mental picture was of being stuck in a deep dark cavern! But talking to others in a similar situation made me realise i wasnt sat alone in one little cavern - if i shone a light around, it was actually a huge place with lots of people all sitting there feeling lost too. So attending a support group for me is a bit like us all coming together from our respective corners of the cave, gathering round a fire and sharing our stories. Apologies if that sounds really cheesy!
It might be that counselling is another option if you find a group setting is not comfortable for you. But the advantage of the groups is you can build friendships - i know several people now and we all message each other to check how we’re doing.
I agree with others about counselling. Having someone outside of the family or friends I have found to be very helpful. You could try a session and see how how you felt afterwards
Kate
@OneBrightStar
One day you will be ok and be able to live your life.
I lost my dad unexpectedly in 2015.
My mum who had been looked after so well by my dad didn’t have a clue about anything so I took on his role.
Mum then had dementia n hated me ( but I know she didn’t ) and she passed in 2019 n just 4 days later my long term partner was diagnosed with sepsis and never came home and died in 2022.
I then went on to meet John, the love of my life and he passed very suddenly this March so it’s been nothing but trauma.
It’s harrowing and you are much younger and you have your husband to love you. I have got just me and a good family but basically just me.
Please get that help and live your life with your husband who loves you…
Wishing you lots of strength n positivity
I would agree with 