The Second Year..

I didn’t think I’d be back, after such a great period where I felt things were falling into place. I was beginning to make peace with my dad’s absence. Or so I thought. Turns out, I was in denial, existing in a very painful reality, denying myself the opportunity to experience the weight of my grief.

Why didn’t anyone tell me the second year is just as tough, if not MORE emotionally draining than the first? I don’t know who I am anymore. I have lost my sense of self, I’m questioning everything. My mind feels so fractured, I’m struggling to comprehend anything!

I miss my dad so much. I think of him as I lay in bed, lying next to me kissing me on the forehead and holding me tightly. I long to hear his heartbeat and feel the warmth of his chest like I did as a child. My dear dad is gone, and I feel my soul rushing through the dimensions desperately searching for him and fighting to get back to me.

I’ve been hit hard.

7 Likes

Hi @ExperiencingLife ,

Thank you so much for sharing this with the community :blue_heart: I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.

Take good care,
Alex

1 Like

@ExperiencingLife So sorry for your loss. Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions especially when it catches you off gaurd and takes your breath away. I have learnt that through time we adjust to the new way of living its not easy and some days are worse than others. Allow your self to have those days when you need to cry , shout be angry whatever the feeling is let it out. Know your not alone and be gentle on you . Take care and if you need to talk please reach out

1 Like

You worded this perfectly! I am on my second year of grief to! I lost my beautiful Mum last year in March.

I totally understand where you are coming from when you say you don’t who you are anymore as I feel exactly the same way! The world now feels like such a cold, dark lonely and empty place. I feel home sick in a way. Not only do I miss my Mum terribly, I just miss me, the old me :woman_shrugging:

I feel stuck in this grief and was silly to think I’d be over the worst of it by now, I think the grief is here to stay until my heart stops beating!

I’d do absolutely anything to have one last hug from her. I am angry and bitter towards the world, I don’t want to hear people’s petty problems anymore especially when they haven’t experienced pain like this before (yet)

I still find myself ruminationing the day she passed and I am still in total disbelief that she is no longer here. I think of ways she could have been saved, which is no help because it won’t bring her back and it totally sucks!

I to question the meaning of life like “why are we here”, “why must we go through so much heartache and pain by losing those we love dearly”, “what’s the point” “who am I”, “what’s my life purpose”. The list goes on!

I’m sorry you are struggling and I am sorry that I don’t have any advice as I am still learning to navigate this god awful grief, but I find that it does help a little knowing that there’s people out there that understand!

3 Likes

Hi All, there’s a lot of online articles about the second year of grief. It’s quite common - going by what some of these articles say - to be caught by surprise how tough year 2 can be. I’m just into the third year of my grief after my mum died, and it doesn’t feel much different for me from year 2, so far anyway. There’s still days that I can get through easier than others. Maybe if there are any changes in grief they are more gradual than can be measured by moving from one year into another? Take care all.

1 Like

Thank you for your kinds words @Girlwonder

Grief is undeniably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, and yet it will happen to everyone eventually. I’m struggling to grapple how I’m going to do this for the rest of my life!!! I just didn’t think it could feel as awful and intense as the first year in yr 2… but then why wouldn’t it? I know someone my whole life, and what? Suddenly I’m supposed to be ok after 1 year without them… my gosh grief absolutely sucks! I feel a little better today though, I had quite a big cry last night and went straight to sleep - I imagine it did me some good to have that release.

I hope you’re doing ok - How/where are you on your grief journey if you don’t mind me asking?

2 Likes

I feel for you.

It so tough, and being so young it feels cruel to loose someone so significant in your life! Suffering is part of life, but I often question if I have suffered enough. Then I am reminded that I haven’t lost my mum yet - eventually she will go too! Not now I hope and pray, but one day she will join my dad and I’ll be left with the sorrow and emptiness that remains.

I miss the innocent and ignorance of not knowing what it feels like to loose someone. Grief isn’t just about loosing the person! You grieve what once was, what could have been, and what no longer is… how hard it that?!

I’m sorry you’re in this place @Jess1 - I too wish I could say something that could bring you comfort, but sadly, I’m where you are too. I send you love and light! It’s tough, I just hope you know you’re not alone :people_hugging:

1 Like

@MK70

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I didn’t read any articles about the second year as I felt I was getting into a very detached way of living. I was trying to be present, however I realise now that I didn’t get myself the best odds now that I’m back to feeling like I did a year ago.

1 Like

@Alex

Thank you Alex, your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated.

@ExperiencingLife where am I on the grief journey ? Wow thats a tough one … I lost my sister 13 years one of the hardest thibgs to go through. Then very suddenly & unexpectedly I lost my amazing Dad in December and again very suddenly & unexpectedly I lost my amazing Mum 4 weeks ago . I quess you could say I have experiened alot. It really is a rollercoaster , Im glad your doing a lil better today

1 Like

I am having a hard time with anger and bitterness and it seems to be getting worse as time goes on! I’ve definitely changed, I just feel so lost these days and finding it so hard to cope. I just miss my Mum so much! I hate who I’ve become and don’t know if I’ll ever feel somewhat normal ever again. I’m not sure why I’m writing this but I guess I’m having one of the bad days that comes with grief.

1 Like

Gosh, I am so so sorry for your losses! Nothing can ever prepare you for something so tragic. I wish I hadn’t asked. My sincere heartfelt apologies for asking! I pray and hope you’re surrounded by so much love and support :heart:

@Girlwonder

I’m so sorry for your loss @ExperiencingLife. It’s so incredibly hard and I completely understand. 18 months ago, I lost my mum. She took a cardiac arrest, was resuscitated but suffered brain damage due to a lack of oxygen during the cardiac arrest and we were told that she wouldn’t survive. She died the next day. Since then, I feel that a part of me died with her. Life has totally changed and I miss her so much. Mum was the heart of our family, the one who was always interested in everyone - her children and her grandchildren. Kind, generous and fun. For so long, all I could think about was seeing her in that hospital bed, her face. A hypoxic brain injury robbed us of the person that she was. I was devastated and it really haunted me, was all I could think about for a long time. I had to hold it together and be strong for my dad. God only knows how he was feeling. He’s of that generation who don’t talk about these things. Some days are a little bit better and I can get through the day without thinking too much about it, like today. I’ve been busy with my garden out in the sunshine. However, a few days ago, I found myself sitting at the kitchen table in tears after looking at her photo on my fridge. Or a song can start playing and I just feel the tears. Grief comes in waves and I’m just trying my best to take every day as it comes. There’s no timeline for a bereavement. I think we can put pressure on ourselves to be seen to be handling our grief, probably more for the benefit of others. But that isn’t being kind or compassionate towards ourselves, for we are the ones going through it.

Have you ever thought about joining a grief group if there is one in your local area? I did this a few months ago and I find it’s really helped me. It’s a safe space to chat, you can go as little or often as you wish - everyone who goes along has their own story and has experienced losing a loved one. There’s no pressure to speak, some people prefer to say very little but still get comfort from listening to others who are going through loss. I found talking about losing my mum with others helped me as I needed to get it off my chest after holding it all in for so long. Everyone who goes along to my group is very kind and just sitting having a cup of tea together helps. Most of us leave these meetings feeling a little bit lighter. It won’t bring Mum back, nothing will, but I know I’m not on my own in how I feel. And I know that my feelings are normal and valid.

I think as more time passes, it does get harder, because it’s been so long since we were last with our loved ones. There’s an ache that never ever goes away. We just learn to bear it. What I would give to have just 5 minutes and a wee cup of tea with my mum :broken_heart:

Take care, I hope that you know that you’re not alone xx

3 Likes

It’s ok to have a bad day, or two or 20 for that matter! You lost your mum, it’s not easy to lose anyone but to lose your mother is so so difficult. Your anger is valid - be angry! You have every right to be. Anger seems to be something I grapple with from time to time also. I remember, there was a period early this year where I was just so unbelievably angry!!! It was quite scary actually…

And anger is such a socially unacceptable emotion to display, I wondered how I’d be able to express it in a way that wasn’t too destructive to myself and others. I ended up booking a rage room and going absolutely ballistic! I smashed the entire room… but it didn’t help the way I wanted it too, because really all I wanted to do was scream and cry and shout and just be with my dad again.

Don’t question why you’re sharing how you’re feeling, it’s your truth and this is a safe space. Sending you lots and lots of virtual love and support @Jess1

1 Like

@ExperiencingLife please dont be sorry its ok thats why Im here on the forum it helps when talking or others that can relate . Hope your doing a bit better today

1 Like

Thank you for sharing your truth, my sincerest condolences to you and your family for the loss of your Mum. I understand completely the feeling that a part of you dies with your loved ones, I too felt the same way when my dad passed away. It’s still all so raw, the emotions! And all it takes is one little memory, song, or smell to be reminded of their absence and it’s torture.

Today, I realised that his hand prints are not longer on the banisters… and that was enough to send me into a state! But I held myself together, because I had somewhere to be today. It’s just so tough! But you’re doing really well, you’ve been pushing through for 18 months which is incredibly admirable.

Thank you for suggesting a support group, I actually joined in mid January; it was very helpful. It’s of course done now, so I’m realising how beneficial it was for me to be attending those groups vs now, I’ve not got them and well… I’m back to feeling pants! Speaks volumes about how important community is, because without it; you won’t survive.

I think I’ll look to join some type of collective where discussions about loss and life are welcome as they really did help me? But I’m not sure.

Take it one day at a time, thank you again for being vulnerable about your grief. Everyday I am grateful for people like yourself who are honest and open about their experiences! It makes me feel safer to open up also. Please please know you’re loved here :heart:
@Bluebelle

1 Like

Of course. My heart feels for you!
How are you coping currently?

Thanks for your kind words @ExperiencingLife :heart: It must be very hard for you realising that your dad’s handprints are no longer on the bannister. I think we need something tangible to help us remain connected to our loved ones. I made up a memory box after losing my mum. I bought a lovely flat packed floral print box on Amazon (I chose a design that I knew Mum would have loved), which was easily assembled. In it, I’ve placed all the things that make me feel close to Mum - the little red shoes she always liked to wear, a little cardi she used to wear when visiting me, her wedding and engagement rings, locks of her hair, the lovely necklace she wore at her 80th birthday when she was so happy, the Order of Service from her funeral etc… I sit in a quiet room of my house and open it when I feel the need to. It’s my way of feeling close to her. And I have a cry if I want. I also bought one for my dad to put his own memories of Mum into. I’m not sure if he’s using it but it’s there for him if he wants to. I think his way of coping is having my mum’s clothing and belongings left just as they were. I offered to help him sort out her things a few months after she died, but he said he didn’t want to. I was just to leave them and sort it all out when his own time comes and I fully respect this.

I hope today is a better day for you, take care xx

Up & down , today not so great

Sorry for the radio silence, I’m really struggling with my grief and can’t bring myself to do anything.

I see and appreciate your messages.

@Girlwonder @Bluebelle :white_heart:

2 Likes