The sound of silence is so loud

I found out yesterday that my beloved Grandma has cancer. At first no one was sure of her pain and her fatigue. I thought maybe it was a facial nerve issue and anxiety/depression but the lack of appetite started up.

I anticipated that it would be cancer once the doctor’s had confirmed spots on her lungs.
However, I haven’t anticipated how little time she has left.

Last night I didn’t sleep. I had to have a sound on in the background and when my computer shut down of low battery I panicked a bit over the silence. My heart raced. I had to put it back on. I also had to have the light on. I tried to sleep but it only happened in fits and starts.

She is my mother, really. She’s the only one who has been there and been the rock for me. And yesterday after hearing the news it hit me that the tables have turned a 180. She no longer has the energy to speak much. There will no longer be conversations where she listens to me and my days and issues me the wisest advice. That time has passed.

I predict she has maybe about 2 months maximum. The fatigue and pain is taking over quickly.

I didn’t know silence could feel so scary and so isolating. I don’t have a partner or family here. She lives in the US and I in the UK. I have good friends but they are far away. Thank goodness for Whatsapp and social media.

This came at the wrong time. I can’t fly to the US now and the rate of infection is so high there that I doubt they’ll open up the borders for a while. She’ll be gone by then I think.

I don’t know what else to say. Musings. Just my thoughts coming out. My eyes are sore from crying. This is my first bereavement. I have been lucky to have her. I’m 34 now, she is 82. She lived long and well. Without her I wouldn’t know what love is. When she’d visit and I’d see her, I’d feel like an angel had entered home. To the core of me there was no one and will never be anyone who had my back so much as she did.

It’s been an absolute privilege to know her.

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I read your post last night and my heart went out to you. I haven’t been on the site recently but wanted to to say to you hold on to that last line in your post because that says everything. My thoughts and blessings are with you.

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Thank you, Susie. Your comment means a lot.
It’s getting harder because I don’t know when she will pass. I am not there to see her.
I’ll need this forum for the foreseeable. I can’t do this alone.

I am very pleased that the site is helpful, its main reason is to support everyone. You may be surprised just how strong you are, these horrible times in our life also shows us how to deal with things. Think of all those beautiful moments, the things that memories are made from. Bless you. xx

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