The tears have started.

My husband died from leukaemia on 9/2/22 at 55 years old. I have two sons aged 17 and 20 - soon to be 18 and 21. I took the dog out today and we went on one of our favourite family walks where we’d all go sledging in the snow and where there’s a plank bridge over a stream that I always bottle out of and they’d all laugh at me. I just couldn’t stop crying remembering all the fun we had there. Now the flood gates have opened, I just can’t stop. I’ve tried to keep my grief from my boys but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do. My eldest is away at Uni and the youngest is trying to get through his A levels. Even seeing a couple with a tiny baby boy in Sainsburys nearly set me off today… I don’t want to ruin my boys big birthdays but it’s going to be so hard without G being there.


Halben, I lost Graham on 5.2.22 and my tears have just started too. I feel totally out of control I lost my voice screaming why and crying last night. I think the tears need to come it would have been my husbands birthday today.
I think your boys need to now how you are feeling and tell them how hard you are going to find their birthdays but you will do your best and you hope they can have fun on their special days.


Griff thank you for your advice. G’s birthday was on 19th April but I felt so detached from everything I didn’t shed a tear. I think you’re right I must be more open with the boys which will also hopefully enable them to share their grief. They have been so brave.

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I lost my Wife suddenly 0n 07.01.22 and I have cried everyday since then, some days more then others, some days i have come home to an empty house and banged on the walls and worktops in anger and frustration, the weekends and Bank Holidays are the worst, as this seems to bring back stronger memorials of how we used too spend them, I have two grown up married children, and along with this forum have helped me along this horrible journey called Grief, don’t try and do it on your own, I would suggest talking to your Children which i am sure they will want to help you. Take Care x Mickere

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I have read your response and you are right grief is a journey and support from grown up children can help. It’s take till this weekend for me to actually show my emotions in front of my boys, they are 23 and 26 and we lost their dad to cancer on the 24th February. Sadly no day goes past with a few tears and it’s taken me the last couple of months using the forum and counselling from maggies to learn to show my emotions and not try and deal with it all by myself.

Months ago I had a bit of a meltdown while chatting to my son –
I told him I know I’m over sensitive, irrational and over think things but
a certain occasion (with his in-laws) which I won’t go into, just pushed my buttons - he replied he didn’t know what to say but I really just needed him to know how hurt I was and felt
so unimportant compared to his wife’s parents.
It’s hell coming home to an empty house - and nobody to be the voice of reason.
G. Xx

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@Grandma, I’ve heard that discussion before, but it was when Doug was still here. Since Doug died our son, is always checking I’m okay and pops in for a cup of tea. It’s as if lossing his dad he now feels responsible for me and I think he worried if something was to happen to me too. X X

I totally agree bank holidays and weekends are the worst I am trying to rebuild the bungalow but it’s with tears streaming down my face today I feel so down I haven’t even got dressed I don’t want to know the world today

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Hi Terence, it’s OK not to want to know the world today. I think most of us on here are hard on ourselves, we try yo plod on and put on a brave face when all we want to do is curl up and hibernate.

I’m finally learning to embrace the sad days and be kind to myself , we are grieving and tomorrow although we dread it might be a better day .

I’m not looking forward to the jubilee celebrations and 4 Bank Holidays

Take care Terence

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I neither am looking forward to a Thursday till Monday bank holiday no where to go no one to do anything with share time with or even talk to he’ll pointless

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Hi Terence
The people on here who have children are so lucky 44 years together but decided no children as we where always working together. I bitterly regret this now as I have nothing left of him. Like you every job I do around the house is full of tears the whole time. He was with me all day everyday I do not know how I have got through the last 7 months but with a mental health team needed I am still here. I hope we can console ourselves a little by sharing our grieve on here. Hope you reply. Jessica

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Of course I will reply my name is karan Terence was my husband I have two boys but they are so busy working and with their own family that I feel they gave got on with life as they have to and should but I am left here on my own isolated with no one 24/7 I really can sympathise

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Hi Karen
I find everyday is a heartache and do not know how to fill it. I hate going for a walk like everyone says. We lived on a busy farm so I was walking most of the day which did not bother me but for pleasure no! I just cry all day as I have lost my way of life plus my partner I never had a moment to myself and that has all gone now.

I know I had to care for my husband which was very demanding and try and do up a house ruined through the flood and now I have only my house internally to rebuild by myself and try and make it a home again so I have more than enough to do as it’s terrible living in a mess but it’s so hard to summon up the energy or inclination to get anything done

I have now finished the house inside and out all except the kitchen yet and now have a lot more time on my hands and the grief has started to make itself known to me and I find myself in floods of tears unexpectedly without any memory being surfaced

Hi Karen,

It’s been 6months since Graham died and I am crying a lot now like you without any memories being surfaced. I thinkits normal but it’s exhausting and makes me feel totally out of control of my emotions. I’m trying to embrace it and roll with it but it’s very hard . Take care, I hope you can relax a little now yourhouse is done.

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