The things people say and do

Coping with bereavement
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I find myself getting easily annoyed with others at the moment. I’m 4.5 months into losing my mum, who was my world. I’m sure on a more sensible brain day, when I’m not grieving the worst thing that’s happened to me, I could rationalise people’s comments into them trying to make me feel better, but the sentences just don’t sit well with me. Nor do I ask for them.

I find sentences like ‘she’s smiling down on you’, or ‘that’s her in the rainbow’ completely infantilizing the gravitas of my grief. My mum isn’t anywhere. I can’t talk to her. She’s gone. I watched her die in the hospital from under a mountain of PPE. I have her cremated ashes behind me as I type. She’s no longer anywhere. I’ve spent the day shredding her documents, not because I want to, but because she will 100% no longer be needing them & I’m running out of room. Doing this ‘bereavement admin’ on a daily basis breaks my heart over and over. My brother says it’s ‘just stuff’ and getting rid of it will help us move on, but I can’t let go of a lot of items. Mum was my best friend who I saw and spoke to daily, but he only saw or spoke to her once every 2 weeks or so because of his busy family life, whereas I live alone. He said he feels as sad as I do, yet I don’t think we’re having exactly the same grief journey, but I can’t say that to him and I know it’s not a competition.

I guess I’m having an angry week, this week. I’m pushing people away by ignoring the messages they send because the notifactions (even on silent) are simply enraging me every time I look at my phone to do something else. I really need a lot of space and quiet time. Contact once every 2 weeks is more than enough for me.

I can’t honestly answer the ‘Hi, how are you?’ texts from out of the blue. Similar to having depression, if you answer truthfully you’re going to make them wish they never asked, when friends are just being human beings, so the only thing I can think to do is reply ‘Not having a good week, will catch up soon, hope all is ok with you x’, but a few days later it comes around again. I know I sound ungrateful, but it’s all too much for me.

Also I really don’t know how to respond to the people sending me links to “funny” YouTube videos. I’ve never sent any myself, so why people continue to send them when I never respond is a complete mystery. Again, sensible brain says they’re trying to cheer me up, but I don’t want to be cheered up. I can’t be cheered up. The new me is trying very hard to come to terms with things, and the modern, childish way of how others communicate is really grating on me. I’m 42 not 12.

I’ve just typed all this out hoping it will help offload my thoughts, so my rant is now over. My main takeaway is it feels like people are pushing me to move on, but I’m not ready and the pushing is making me mad.

Actually, yes, typing this has helped me feel calmer. Is anyone else having a raging week?

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Hello @Gib79
So sorry for the loss of your Mum.
I’ve had an angry few weeks, but some calm days in between. I’m angry because my Marti passed, I couldn’t say goodbye to him as I had caught covid of him and wasnt allowed to go see him before they switched his machines off. I get angry when people say, ‘hello, how are you’ I always say ‘not bad’ or they say ‘have a good week’ . I know people mean well, its habit, its politeness for people to ask how we are and to wish us a good week, although they know we are really hurting , they just want us to keep well and look after ourselves.
But I think unless people have experienced the loss of a loved one then they have no understanding of the pain we are in.
It is upsetting when people say we should ‘be moving on’. We can’t. We won’t. I don’t have those kind of people in my life who use these words, they drain me, I’m moving through my grief as slow as a snail and I will take as long as I need to mourn for the loss of my Marti.
Your brother will be in pain like you are, he just shows it differently from you. I have three boys who are absolutely devastated by the loss of their Dad, I can see the hurt in their faces. We talk a lot about their Dad.
It’s ok to feel angry, you have just had the loss of your Mum, who was an important part of your life. It’s nice your friends try to cheer you up, but you feel more enraged because you are grieving. I turn my phone off until I’m ready to text, call or email friends. I need quietness, my ears are more sensitive to any noise, even people talking loud irritates me, it’s because I’m sleeping on and off throughout the night, I find it hard to sleep as my Marti is in my thoughts 24/7.
I hope you are eating and sleeping as much as you can. I walk a few times a week, it helps keep me calm.
Take care
Amy x

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Dear Gib79

As Amy49 has said anger is part of grief. I read somewhere that people who you thought were friends will fall by the wayside and support will come from surprising other people. I have found that some I thought I could depend on are causing me untold irritability. There comments are both unwelcome and sometimes insensitive - so I am avoiding them, choosing to take their calls or answer their texts only if I feel able.

Grief comprises so many different emotions some of which we can suffer in one day. I speak from my own experience you can also get stuck in one and labour over it. Being honest I am stuck in anger. My husband died whilst out on his motorbike, a pass time that I did not share and always feared would result in either serious injury or his death. The fact that he ignored my pleas and still went out creates such feelings of anger. I am trying to address this as I do not want to be so angry towards my husband, who I loved dearly and would do anything just to have him back in my arms, but that is never going to happen.

In terms of your brother, people express grief differently. I have no doubt he is in pain at his loss. Both our adult kids are showing their grief for the loss of their dad in different ways but their eyes tell me everything I need to know.

Do not be pushed into ‘moving on’ (words of others not mine). Only you will know what you are able to cope with.

Take care

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HI Gib79,

I could have written your post! I lost my mum almost 2 years ago and still feel awful. I hate when people say things like ’ your mum wouldn’t want you to feel like this’ OR ‘your mum is watching over you’

No she isn’t! she suffered a brain hemorrhage completely out of the blue and died within hours. She has gone. My sister doesnt understand either. She used to visit every couple of weeks if mum was lucky.

I now dont discuss mum at all with her and if asked, I just say im fine. this is very far from the truth but whats the point in telling people how I am.

Its refreshing to see you post the things that I feel on a daily basis

Cheryl

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Thank you Amy, and I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s good to know I’m not alone feeling this way. You’re right, we do have to be kind to ourselves, and rest & eat whenever our bodies allow. X

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Thank you Sheila, I’m very sorry for the pain you’re in. I think I’ve read some of your posts elsewhere on here, and to have lost your soul mate in such a way means your anger is completely justified & normal. Thank you for reaching out x

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Yes, you’re right Cheryl, that’s another one that gets me “your (insert loved one here) wouldn’t want you to…” actually no. Our loved ones don’t have any wants at all. All that’s left is our feelings of loss & grief, which are valid in whichever way we express them. X

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Hi, I have lost my mum too and are single. It’s been 5 months and I feel so empty. Summer has arrived but she is not here to go for tea out or family events, I feel so cheated and that she should still be here had it not be for guidelines, in other words, we dont have the funds!!. Why is there no common sense in our world anymore, the caring has definitely disappeared.

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I’m sorry you’ve lost your mum Wade. Loss/lost is a very strong word for us at the moment, especially given everyone else seems excited about their regained freedom. It’s highlighting the unfillable void in our lives.

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Hello all, having just read everyone’s posts it does seem we all have a similar response to people who THINK they know how you feel… Erm not really. Until that love is taken from you, the emotional concept has no understanding. I hold my hands up before my Sammy passed away I had no clue of the darkest, deepest hole that consumes you… And to that I feel shame. Because we don’t want pity or so called empathy. If I hear get a hobby once more, detective Vera Stanhope will be visiting…
There is no limit to the grief experienced but at least on here everyone has their own pit of darkness to get out of.
I too have avoided my phone, its starts to ring, you look at and you just think f***off I can’t be bothered today. Messages constantly ding and I just delete them. I can’t be bothered with people who think they know what your grappling with. Misplaced empathy is a real downer.
Hugs and prayers to you all

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When we lost my dad 10 years ago, I did my best to support my mum. I now look back and think how inadequate that probably was. Now I know the pain of loving your soulmate I wish I had done more / different things to support her. I guess the sad fact is that until we are in that position, it is impossible to imagine - which in many ways is a good thing but not for when you’re trying to support someone else.

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Dear Jules and Mark

I too have to put my hands up. Lost my dad in 2010 and my mam just went into total denial and I had to make all the funeral arrangements. I too now look back on that time and feel total shame in that I did not do more for her.

My son sometimes gets annoyed at me when I refuse to answer the phone to certain people. He also thinks I should be accepting every invitation to go out and about. I do not think he understands that my grief is different to his, there is no cure for a broken heart other than the one we have lost.

Take care.