I finished my 4th journal this morning. Whilst I was placing it with the other 3, I pulled out my very first one and started to read it. The first one was a diary really, right from the day my husband had his heart attack. As I read it I could sense the mania in my writing. I read it as it was written and it made me feel panicky all over again. Strangely, I started to shake and my head felt woosie. I felt a strange sensation in my arms. It was like I was going into shock, just like I had in the hospital after David had died. I hadn’t expected this to happen. I thought I was strong enough to read it. I literally slammed the book shut. I stayed sitting for a while, not crying but shaken, stunned. What the hell happened? 
Then our lovely boy arrived and I pulled myself together.
What happened Kate was a shock, a memory which caused you to live over again the pain of what happened. Your memory triggered anxiety and you almost had a panic attack. You thought you were strong enough to read it. You are, but like most of us, memory can strike like a blow. Don’t allow this SETBACK to make you think you have slipped back. You haven’t! Emotions can be very upsetting and can shake us so much we may think it will never end. There does and will come a time when we can smile at a memory. Even painful memories will not upset us as much. That is my own experience. Anxiety can play strange tricks on our mental and often physical state. So many of us suffer PTSD without realising it. Trauma and stress go together. The body is controlled by the mind. Physical sensations often follow emotional shock. You are strong in spite of what you may be feeling now. Take care Kate. You are still an inspiration. Blessings.
You are a sweetie John. I’m feeling better now. I think it just took me by surprise. I have looked back over my writing before and it has made me realise how far I’ve come. However, I’d never looked back to the very beginning before. Don’t think I’ll be doing that again in a hurry. 🤦
I am in that place actually, where I can smile at a memory, where it brings a smile before a tear. Thank you John. xx
Hi, I lost my husband last year, it was sudden death at work. I was shocked for a long time, still do t believe it happened at times. He was 55 we were together 33 years married 31. 2 children, 3 grandchildren. We All miss him so very much , he’s in our conversations everyday. The worst is mornings as I live alone now. I wake and he’s not there, I cope as best I can during the day but evenings are lonely too:broken_heart:
Lockdown put a strain on my mental health but
I’m coping now. I wish I could turn back time and GPs realised what was wrong. He should be here still, could have been avoided , that’s hard to deal with my children are so angry, I’m numb most of time. I have no words of comfort, I just Feel your Pain if losing your partner. Keep strong. Xxx
Hi Karen, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. The effect of sudden death on a family can only be understood by those who have suffered its shattering aftermath. It defies description. My husband also died very suddenly last November and like you I can’t believe his life was gone in an instant and with it our happy family life and our future. Lockdown has inevitably heightened the loneliness of grief but in one way I have welcomed the opportunity to cocoon myself. I am still numb and don’t seek interaction with anyone. All attempts to divert me from my chaotic thoughts are well meaning but futile but sudden loss as you say has a huge impact on mental health. We were married for 35 years but had known each other for 44. My husbands death has thrown me totally off course and now I have no idea what my role in this world is. It’s complete disorientation.
I also understand your children’s anger at what might have been had your husband been treated differently by his GP. I feel the same.
Just a bit more attention to detail and he would still be here. I know ‘if only’ is pointless but it’s an inevitable consequence of sudden death.
Sadly we are not alone in this nightmare of loss. Thinking of you.x
Thankyou, all we can do is carry on as best we can and try live the life they’d want us too. I traveled @ Christmas with both children and 3 grandchildren as couldn’t bare being here! Had plans for more travel but both trips cancelled with covid19. We can always do it at a later date or next year 
I so loved my life and my husband was so funny, loved Magic , always doing tricks on Us. We All miss him terribly as you will understand. Life as I knew it has gone, this is a different life now, maybe one day we’ll accept what happened but it’s very early days yet. I’m so angry and feel cheated . I thought we had more time, but things happen out of our control xxx my thoughts are with you too. Xx