The waves of pain & sadness

Hi; I am new to this group. I lost my Mum in February. She was 65. She had CNS Lymphoma of the brain. I cared for her for a whole year before she passed away peacefully at home. I am an only child and Mum never married so her illness took over my life. Then she was gone. In recent years we have not been so close. Mum was not the easiest person to be with but in her final year she changed and was the sweetest loveliest person. She was like a child to me. In a way I feel blessed I was given the year to show her I loved her. I’ve been coping ok ever since but suddenly in the past week the waves of pain and sadness are more frequent and I cannot shake them off. I am struggling to concentrate at work. She is on my mind constantly.

Hi TJ68.
I’m so very sorry to hear about your mum. My gosh, this pain just doesn’t seem to go away. Don’t try and shake it off or get rid of the feelings. They will come whether you want them or not. So go with them however upsetting they may be, but at the same time make every effort to come to terms with this process called grief. It is a process and is so painful to bear. If you feel you ned some professional help then go for it.There is no time limit on grief. We all do it in our own way and our own time.
That sweet lovely person is still with you. I believe that to be true. She will have forgiven anything you may feel some guilt about. You were indeed blessed to have her so close at the end. But it’s not the end, not by any means.
I too often get waves of sadness and pain sweep over me, but then I always come back to what my wife would have wanted me to be like. I know what she would say.
She died last November and it’s early days yet. Stay with us on here because there are so many in the same situation and we support each other. Take care and take it one day at a time. Grief has no time limit. Blessings.

Dont worry, im new too. I only get the courage to post when im doing overnight shifts in my job,lol…our pharmacist is a close friend to our whole community and he always said, ’ your an adult once and child twice in ur lifetime’, I never understood it until we had to look after mum when she was ill.

Hi TJ68

I have just seen your post about your Mum and was so sorry to read it. You say about your Mum being the sweetest and loveliest person and I feel the same must be said of you too. To look after your Mum for a whole year must have been such a long and painful time for you and exhausting. From reading your post you sound to have put your life on hold for your Mum and you are to be congratulated. I am pleased for both you and your late Mum that she was able to pass way at home which must have made a big difference to her and you.

My Mum passed away at home just under three years ago. She collapsed and was found to be terminally ill. We were told she had at best three months left and she asked to come home rather than go to a hospice so that is what happened. She lived a further six weeks. I call the summer of 2016 the lost summer as we dropped everything and put our lives on hold for Mum. We were told it would be hard and it was so TJ68 I don’t know how you kept going for a year. Mum became like a child both mentally and physically and like you it was a honour to be able to help her through those weeks. Also to be by her side right to the end.

I went into prolonged shock after Mum passed away, months of it and wonder if this could be the case for you too. It does take a while to hit you what has happened so your sad feelings are normal. I am sorry to see also you are having waves of pain. I think the physical pain is something you don’t expect. Well done on going back to work, have you spoken to anyone there so you are getting support from workmates? Having someone to open up to at work can make a difference. I had that when my Dad passed away many years ago and was so grateful for the help I got. My colleague was trained in counselling so I was very lucky.

People talk about time healing which I am not sure is true. Time will however help you reach a level of acceptance of what has happened. I did not have professional help after the loss of my Mum, whether that was a good thing I don’t know. I used this forum extensively and have found it invaluable. People are incredibly kind, they understand because they are going through the same horrible situation or are facing it in the near future. There is a bereavement counselling service available (see the box at the right of the page). I have read posts from people who have said it is really good so might be worth trying. The advantage being you don’t have to leave home at all.

You TJ68 are amazing. You say how much you loved your Mum. Well I bet she loved you too immensely, you should be so proud of yourself looking after her for that year. You were blessed indeed and so was she.

Keep coming back to this forum if you need help

With love