The world is not the same

My mum passed away last 9th December and a part of me feels it died with her. I suffer with mental health, I have borderline personality disorder, anxiety and agoraphobia. I have been housebound totally for the past four years.
My mum was diagnosed with leukaemia ( aml) , she had chemo until it stopped working and then blood and platelet transplants . My mum was my whole world and I loved her beyond measure . I always thought she and I would be together like her and her mother were, off out on shopping trips ( a dream when in reality it would be impossible ) , holidays and end up living together .
That was never to be .
For three years before she passed my anxiety was so bad I couldn’t leave my bedroom and I made excuses that I couldn’t see her because I was to scared I would have another anxiety attack. People in my home is a real struggle for me .a lot don’t understand what living with agoraphobia is like .
I begged for help from mental health and was denied any help , my mum was deaf and so I could only text or FaceTime and occasionally see her.
Last December during another stay in hospital she made the choice to stop treatment . The nurses had to remove all iv drops etc and treatment. She came home on the Friday and on the Thursday passed away . I managed to get there with the help of medication and spend the last few days with her . We didn’t have help apart from the district nurses when they were called. We were only given a palliative nurse the night she passed and by the time they were due to come she had already gone. The last 24 hours were traumatic . I was to scared to tell her what I wanted to say and then she went unconscious. I live every day with regret for not being stronger to have spent more time with her, tell her what I needed to say, not let my anxiety stop me being with her all those years. I have flashbacks every day, I have no interest in life, I don’t get out of bed, I don’t get dressed , I cry each day and can’t get passes grieving . Life feels empty and some days I want to close my eyes and be with her. I’m tired, so tired of trying to get through each day , it’s a battle each day with my mental health and then this on top , I’m not strong enough to battle this. I have no one to talk to or understands , I’m alone in this world purely existing and not living and feeling like a little girl at the age of 50 who just wants her mum

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Hello @Chi72, thank you for reaching out. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. It sounds like this has been so traumatic for you.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore during their grief journey. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:

https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide

I’m sorry you haven’t gotten the mental health support that you need. It may be worth reaching out again to your GP to see if you can get support to help you cope with your grief. Many people who have lost loved ones experience flashbacks - you can read a bit more about that here: https://www.mindwell-leeds.org.uk/myself/how-life-experiences-can-affect-us/bereavement-and-loss/coping-with-flashbacks-a-during-bereavement/ It sounds like this is really distressing you and you don’t have to cope with this alone.

There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.

You deserve care and support so please do think about contacting one of these services.

Take care,

Seaneen

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@Chi72 dear chi72 I am so very sorry for the loss of your mum. I lost my mum many years ago and I lost my partner last April. So I know how heartbreaking this grief is. I also have mental health issues. I have a borderline personality disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder and I also suffer with depression. So I know how much of a battle it is everyday with the mental health stuff and the grief and heartbreak. Your mum knew and knows that you love her and I’m sure she knows how hard it was for you with your mental health. The world does feel empty without those we love. But they are still with us in our hearts and thoughts and we carry them with us. I know it’s tiring and so very hard. But please keep trying. Everyone on here understands our pain and everyone here is very supportive. It’s been 19months since losing the love of my life. I have spent everyday alone apart from our pets a dog who is 14 and 2 cats who are 5 and they keep me going and give me a reason to keep trying. Keep reaching out on here you will get support and understanding. I’m often around if you want to chat. Take care my thoughts are with you.sending a hug x

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Hi Chi,
I also have agoraphobia, panic attacks, anxiety, ocd and was housebound in my bedroom until my parents retired and moved away so I was housed as a vulnerable person and have lived independently for years now. I enjoy my freedom and find shopping online allows me to feel in control of my life with weekly therapy to which I drive, and I also started going swimming. I know how terrifying the world is. My mam left last Nov and I still cannot accept it is true. Why did it have to happen and where has she gone? I have found true friendship in posting here (see ‘Creating a shrine for my mam’ in the losing a parent category). We all keep each other going and pop in throughout the day with love and encouragement and praise when we are bobbing along and doing well. It is such a traumatic journey. I can’t imagine anything worse than losing my mam. She was/is everything to me. And when she left my family turned on me because of my agoraphobia. I am haunted by everything I wasn’t able to do. And like you I need to explain to her the reasons why I wasn’t able to just sit and talk to her when I visited.
You are very welcome to join us. I have a reason to keep going now that I didn’t have before. I still want to be with mam but I keep getting through the day, however bleak. Not finding it very easy at the mo with xmas coming. She loved xmas and I can’t face it without her. But I know that people really do care, even though we have never met. Keep posting, whatever you are feeling. Letting it out helps and there is a sense of relief afterwards. Grief comes in waves, with an overriding sadness. All we can do is take each day, each hour, each minute and ride the wave. I’m dreading xmas. It’s started and I know how bad it will be. To be engulfed in that desperate need to have her back and to know nothing will change. Being agoraphobic is so isolating in everyday life. That is why this site is such a lifeline. Hope to see you again soon.
Lots of love xxx

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Any tips on how to get through the day?

My pets are keeping me going toox

I totally get that

Hi Janebee,
My biggest tip for getting through the day is to plan ahead, make a note in the diary, however small that task may be. My mam loved to garden and I always helped her. So I revamped my garden in her honour and you can see my updates throughout the year on my ‘creating a shrine for my mam’. Although it is simply filling in time to get through the day, there is a sense of focus and purpose, a challenge to achieve and a sense of accomplishment, however brief that may last. Routines of getting up with the alarm, enjoying my coffee in bed after feeding my Porscha, getting dressed, doing dishes, making the bed, opening the curtains. It all counts and should be recognised as an achievement when all you want to do is hide from the world and not wake up. I used to be so driven as an artist but it means nothing now. I have lost the reason to be me when my focus is always on missing my lovely mam. That vast emptiness is always there and when I am busy I seem to be doing ok but as soon as I stop I cry. Moving from one thing to the next is how I function and when not doing that I am totally broken. All we can do is break up the day into small bits so we are not overwhelmed by the future. I find swimming relaxes me, though it doesn’t take away the pain and I try really hard not to cry in public but can’t always manage to hide it. A walk in the woods is also good to get away from the overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I know it is all just running away from grief but it quickly catches up again and doesn’t leave until I have succumbed and am sobbing for mam. I find posting here, letting it all out, however desperate I am feeling, really helps because there is a sense of relief afterwards.
The really wonderful friendships I have found here keep me going. We all post what we’re feeling and doing and those connections to real people help me feel less alone. To put another day behind me is a day closer to joining mam in the future. And if you can physically exert yourself all the better because you will be worn out and need to sleep. I have just noticed it is 2 am again and I’m wide awake. So I’ll go for now but you can always find me in ‘creating a shrine for my mam’.
Lots of love xxx

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Thank you so much for that . I am the same as you can run but not hide from grief, it catches up with you eventually x

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