I think we all know what a Yo Yo is. Up and down, up and down. Now isn’t that like we all feel? One day we may wake up and think, gosh, I feel a bit better this morning, but come evening and we are back in the old groove. It depends a lot on our bodies and the energy we use. It’s our metabolism that varies so much. It’s very low in the mornings after a sleep, and rises during the day so that, by evening, we may feel a little relief, only to awaken next day feeling low.
I think the recognition of these symptoms of grief as being part of the bereavement process is important. This happen a lot in anxiety, and I doubt few of us don’t have some anxiety in the circumstances. The mood swings do level out, given time, but are so difficult to come to terms with at first.
I feel that true acceptance is the answer to a lot of emotional problems. It’s not ignoring the feelings and emotions. That’s not possible. It’s like trying to push a cork under water, it will keep bobbing up elsewhere. Acceptance means going with the feeling and thoughts however bad they may feel. Very difficult I know. Bend with the wind of grief. If you try and adopt a stiff upper lip attitude you will surely fail. Trees break if they don’t bend! Cry when you want; talk to those who understand, but don’t set up resistance to what is after all a natural process.
Love and Blessings.

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Oh Jonathan, how did you know I was having one of those YoYo times. After feeling quite pleased with myself for the past nearly three weeks, suddenly on Saturday afternoon I felt that dip. No reason, had been fine all day, walking with the dogs and then happily planting Broccoli plants on my hands and knees and just felt this, well, I honestly don’t know what to call it. I do know that I went home feeling awful and yesterday and today has been no better, so very tearful. Last time I felt like this it took me three days to come out of it and after that I was fine again, well as fine as you get. I keep thinking I’ve nailed it, starting to see a glimmer of a light and then darkness descends again. I am remembering not to fight it though. I go to the cemetery every day (it’s just down the road) and talk to Brian, had a good old cry this morning, tell him how I feel and even put some of the blame on him. He’s used to that so won’t mind.
Many thanks you really do help me. Pat xxx

I agree with you both, feel positive for a little while, you put what we feel so perfectly Yo Yo effect. I had a complete melt down yesterday, Johnathon you write so well what we all feel, enjoy reading your posts.


you are so right. That is exactly what grief is doing to me. My life is in permanent yo yo time with a few twists on the way and going also sideways with little direction.
Observing how the yoyo goes up, it demands a bit of effort and can be hold by keeping your hand tight . Let it free,
and it goes down so easily and quickly and, It would remain down if we font try again.
I enjoy reading your posts. Thanks

Is there a book by “Jonathan 123”?

I cry as soon as I am out of bed, the reality Richard is not here, he is not in his bedroom yet I leave his bedroom door wide open night and day, the room is now so so empty…The reality of getting through another day without him in my life is always the first thing on my mind…Yes the yo yo effect, depending if I find anything of importance to do, such as paperwork, post and bills to sort out, this takes my mind off things, I have a purpose, something that needs doing and I try to keep things up to scratch, I dont want things piling up, I try to keep organised…Then there are the moments when I focus on Richard, the things I want to say to him but cant say face to face, the things, the guilt of things I had said that I want to tell him I didn’t mean it, I just want you to know I never meant it…I just torture myself that all these things should have been said long time ago when he was still here…I dont seem to have a pattern to my emotions, my breaking down and crying, I am constantly talking to him, telling him if something gave me problems, or if that went well, to plan…and things I have now paid and got sorted, I tell him not to worry over me as I am getting a top-up to my state pension, I will now have enough to cover the bills…but I do tell him I am terrified of my future now without him in it, I tell him I want him and I need him, I tell him its not his fault that he is not with me, he didn’t leave me, not one of us could see that morning that that morning was going to be his last…I even believe that when he was fighting taking his last breath, all he had on his mind was that he couldn’t leave me to look after myself, he did not have one selfish bone in his body, whatever he done he done it for me, he would always put me first…Yes life for me is now a yo-yo but there is no pattern I am up and down through each and every day…There is not one day I dont start bawling my eyes out, sometimes just once, often 2-3 or 4 times when I hanker back to our best times, our best years, when we had the 3 dogs, our health, our bricks and mortar house…or if I- we had done various things differently…but we cant go back, we cant put the clocks back…we ave no choice but to carry on, move forwards because our time too will eventually come to its end, the only downside is that our partner-hubby or wife wont be around to pick up the pieces as we are now doing with a broken heart, a piece of our heart is now broken and forever will be the man-woman we have now lost…


I’ve accepted that grief is forever and I’m fine with that. I’ve also realised that too much introspection and self pity is not good for my state of mind. It’s a bit like sticking pins into yourself and being surprised it hurts. It’s almost 10 months since Carolyn died, and during that time I have tried to build strategies to ensure that I don’t experience such debilitating lows and that I know how to find things that engage me sufficiently to find interest and enjoyment.Distraction is good.
I know that somehow I need to drive things forward as I can’t rely on anybody else to change things for me. It’s not just going to drop into my lap.
Over the past ten months I can see that I am different, or should that be feel. It’s a lot of little things that have worked together to achieve that. I now believe that, given time, I can feel even more different. I still get lows but they aren’t as deep and they don’t last as long, and I have some fresh memories of things I’ve done on my own to switch to when I need to.
Just recently I’ve spent many days on my own, sometimes not speaking to anyone. Some days I find that more difficult than others. I try not to think it’s pointless and I try to find meaning in things.
Using the analogy of the yoyo I would say I’m holding it in a more elevated position. The highs are higher, and the lows aren’t as low.

Oh Jackie, please don’t flog yourself with such memories and thoughts. My heart goes out to you with my love. It’s a hard and difficult time, but as YL says, it does pass. The pain remains, but the ups and downs are not so pronounced. Never worry about crying. I still do now and then when a memory strikes. It’s normal and natural and can be a release of negative energy. You will be up and down for some time because your emotions are still raw. Your feelings are very deep, but try and look ahead even if only a little. That nasty dark cloud will move on as impossible it may seem at the moment. May I give you a hug? Well I will anyway. Hugs.

…yes of course you can give me hug…sending hugs back to all who are needing one today…(((hugs))) I think that will be all of us…


I haven’t posted anything to you before, but have read all your posts and I think you have wonderful way of putting in words how we all feel. Keep posting!
Take care. Janet. X

Thank you Jonathan,
You are like a virtual counsellor for all of us…
Big Hug for you too x

Between you & Jonathan you so much to support us on our journeys. Personally my way of dealing with it is similar to you both and we all develop ways of coping. Sometimes we do need to give ourselves credit for each little bit of progress we make and accept the highs & lows. It’s life after loss and the biggest challenge I have ever faced. What I do know is my husband will be very proud of me. Just have to let myself be proud too, but getting there x

I think we’re always in that process of “becoming”. We most likely always have been, in that we never stood still. They say our reality is changing constantly and like you say coping strategies help us to deal with getting to where we need to be. Most of us are fortunate in that we can meet our basic survival needs but for me I need something to strive for and I suppose that’s self actualisation. I think the idea of positive strokes, of telling ourselves how we are making things different, and feeling different, is much better than the internal dialogue that brings us down. Nothing in life had prepared me for dealing with Carolyn’s death but I feel like I’ve learned new skills and a new way of being. I like the idea of reward systems. Mine is Cadbury fruit and nut. I don’t suppose many of us are that used to praising ourselves.

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Hi. YY. I couldn’t agree more. Yes, I know, it’s almost difficult to be positive at a time like tis, but we can try. ‘just a bit’. I said before, all the ‘little bits’ add up to a ‘big bit’. It’s like crossing river on stepping stones. One at a time. We may waver and almost fall in, but we can often see the other bank and that drives us on. Sometimes, in fact often, we need to rest on one stone and just look around. See the beauty around us and the water flowing under our feet. Briefly, fleetingly we may begin to feel some relief.
Yes, and indeed, self praise. We should never be afraid to give opurselves a pat on the back for some achievement however small. Our loved ones would want that. We need to love ourselves knowing we are still loved from afar. That love cannot possibly die. ‘Learning new skills’. I have said that this experience is a lwaerning experience. What have we to learn in all this misery?’ you may ask. Well one thing is compassion and another empathy. How many of us, before this happened p us had real compassion? Not the ‘I’m so sorry variety’, but a real understanding of what bereavement means. Having that experience we can now go forth and help others because we know. My old mentor used to say, ‘do you want to get over this or go through it?’ There’s a difference. ‘Getting over’ something means we learn little. ‘Going through it’ means we feel the apin and undertsnd so much more. As we come oiut of this experience, and we will, we will emerge better people, more undertsnding and considerate. Oh yes, it does happen. We will never forget, ever, but we will understand so much more
YY! My trat is apple and balckbery crumble. Hmmm!!!

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Sorry, it posted before I could correct spelling mistakes. I wish we had a Edit button on here.

Hi Jonathan
I think I’d add gratitude as another learned skill to compassion and empathy. I think we see things with new eyes now and I find it quite upsetting when I look back as to how naiave and inadequate I was when trying to support the recently bereaved.
I read an interesting article on Post Traumatic Growth on the What’s Your Grief website and it was quite thought provoking in regard to how I may grow to become a different and better person.
I’m just packing up my camper van ready for some days away in Northumberland. I might as well be lonely there as lonely at home and a fresh assault on the senses seems to work for me.
I’m a big fan of most fruit crumbles but I’m particularly fond of bilberry and apple. Bilberries grow in profusion on the Moor above my house.

Cheesecake was my passion…not a good choice if like me, you suffer a Hiatus Hernia…

I’m with you YL, Jonathan and SanW
I love to read what you all have to say. You encourage me and I find your words comforting, your way is the way I want to go. Don’t want to live a life of doom and gloom, can’t see the point I have a deep sadness inside me but hopefully I am showing a happy face to the outside world.
I like the river and the stepping stones and I too like to have something to strive for. I have always liked a challenge and this is the toughest one I have ever had to face. I have always hated being beaten.
I have always been impatient, never suffered fools gladly, and probably selfish I hope I have become a better person after this experience. I do look at people that are being no support to me and find myself thinking. “Lets hope you never have to go through this experience, then you will know what I’m going through”
I do find myself being suitably pleased with myself when I do something or cope quite well, things I would have just taken for granted before. My reward will be the sickly cream cake or like Jackie I love cheesecake.
Thankyou for your help. Pat xxxx

I go through ups and downs…Some moments I feel weak, and cry out " I am not going to be able to cope with this Richard, " then other times I feel stronger, my brain becomes clearer, and its as if someone is edging me on, yes it has to be someone from up above, whether it be God-Jesus or Richard…there is certainly someone helping me every step of the way, otherwise how would I have gotten this far?


Hello YL. I find your posts often prompt me to respond. I can resonate with much of what you say and that last post is spot on. I can’t add much to it at the moment so I’m not going to try. X

Hi Jackie. I am exactly the same as you. I get these feelings too. I can become strong and begin to see a light. I’ve seen it written that when you feel like this it is our loved ones or the spirits showing us the way. I firmly believe this. However like you I can sink down and lose all my faith in hope and being able to cope. Its unbelievable how much my thinking can keep changing.
Pat xxx