I long for company because I feel so lonely, when a friend or relative visits it is lovely to have someone to talk to. But then, after a while I just want to be alone. It’s the same if I go out anywhere, I soon want to scuttle back to the safety of our home. Then, after an hour or so, I am lonely and wanting company again!
Maybe I am turning into a hermit. Or maybe I have got a little bit used to silence, my ears and brain feel assaulted after a while with people. I used to be quite sociable, but I think it is because none of them are the person I really want to be with.
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Hi @Willow112, I totally relate to that, my home has always been my sanctuary, I am not a sociable person at the best of times, ok in short bursts, I have retreated more and more into my own space but I do perk up when someone visits or calls but as you say, after an hour or so…
I actually brought the subject of becoming a hermit up with a really good friend who has been by my side throughout having gone through this hell with his daughter, wife and then his son, his answer was that there is nothing wrong with being a hermit as long as you are a happy hermit! that actually took the pressure off so now I behave how I want to at the time.
Your post on “just curious what most of us believe” has had me thinking most of the day and I will post a response to it when I can get my reply down to less than a book!
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Willow112, that’s so familiar! You have articulated what I am also feeling, beautifully.
I want to be busy, driving everywhere, visiting everyone- Oxford, Kent, North Devon, Essex, Wales, I’m shattered and then I crave my/our home, then home I cry, grieve, feel so lost. It’s as if all the lovely people/activities distract, bring a moment of joy (there are tears too and lots, yes lots of Ray sprinkled through every conversation), but once home the experiences all feel pointless without the foundations/the underpinning of my life- my Husband. Like icing, but no cake to put it on.
I also find myself liking cups or minor clutter left around by guests, signs of life in our home again.
I miss my incredible man too.
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It’s totally bonkers, I so want to talk about normal stuff, nothing to do with death. Then, when people come and talk about their lives, neighbours who annoy them, the price of fish. I just switch off and feel angry. I don’t care about these things. It all feels so trivial that I want to slap them. But these are people I care about, and I invited them. I bite my tongue and feel ashamed at my relief when they go. Then I sit and read my book, and hope that they will come back soon. Xx
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If you’re ever in Devon we must meet up! I’m totally on the same page. I haven’t even tried to explain my scribble brain to anyone outside of this safe place. Thank you, it’s feeling less confusing already, simply know you (and potentially others) are experiencing this confusing time. Of course, who would we normally discuss this with?…yes, and they’re not able to be here.
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I am relieved to hear that I am not the only one. As much as I value the few friends I have, there is a huge Jeremy- shaped hole in my life that nobody else can fill.
I love Devon, it’s a beautiful part of the country.
Thank you for replying. Xx
Where in Devon are you? I’m in Teignmouth x
What you have said is so true, @Willow112
I had dinner with friends at their house last night. Wa shattered so came home, then wished I was back there as it was so quiet and lonely here.
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I feel like my life is a jigsaw puzzle that has been thrown up into the air. I try to put it back together but half the pieces are missing. I try to fill the gaps with pieces, but they are from a different puzzle and don’t fit at all. Wrong shape, wrong colour, they stick out like a sore thumb. The incomplete jigsaw is less jarring.
I feel ashamed about thinking my friends are spare jigsaw pieces. I should be more grateful. I have a son and a daughter. I live in a nice enough house, I have a car. It is too early to be certain, but I think I should be able to manage financially. I am not ill. Yet I hate my life.
At 13 weeks now and reverted to just getting through the next hour until the whole day has been endured.
I know it’s a roller coaster and bank holiday weekends are difficult. But, when it hurts, it really hurts.
Wishing everyone here the strength to survive the weekend. Xx
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I have always had a quiet life we didn’t have any kids I’m an only one so it was always just us two.Now I’m becoming more and more of an hermit,if people visit me I enjoy their company for an hour or so but then I’m just waiting for them to go.
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Morning All,
I echo many of the thoughts expressed. We didn’t live together ( my partner lived 5 minutes walk away) and I therefore don’t have a lot of the same problems with my house etc but the missing him being here or me being at his is horrible.
His place has just gone under offer and that made me feel so sad as it was ‘our’ home too. I feel better now knowing that strangers aren’t viewing it. The furniture was still in the Estate Agents pics and that shocked me so much. I assumed his kids would have emptied it but seeing it really upset me. It wasn’t on the market for more than a week, so that made me feel better. I had felt totally violated.
His place held no sentiment for his kids but to me it was where we made so many wonderful memories during our 4 years together.
Our bed fully made, the sofas with the cushions that we bought together etc etc. It was as if he had just gone out .
I am now trying to think of it as a lovely home for a family and our memories will stay with me forever , locked in my heart.
Sorry just needed to stare all that.
I know this is generally the worst day of the week ( and long weekend too as bank holiday) and it is nearly 7 months since my darling man died but this day is always a hard one.
Thinking of all our friends on here.
At least the sun is once again shining in Surrey and I hope it is for everyone the country .
Xxx
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Hi
I can totally relate to your post…it is exactly the same for me… I’m so glad it’s not just me that feels this way…there’s no pleasing me at the moment…
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I am the same
I want to go and visit friends and family
No I don’t
I want to go shopping
No I don’t
I want to sit in the garden
No I don’t
I want to cook and eat a nice meal
No I don’t
I want to watch a good series or film
No I don’t
I want to talk about lots of things
No I don’t
I want to do everything but only with my David 
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Yep, it’s pants. I didn’t expect this club to be all beer and skittles, but the loneliness is brutal.
I try to cook proper meals for my daughter, I keep the house clean and I am trying to maintain the garden. But I get no pleasure from any of it. On the better days I feel a small sense of achievement for a few minutes, but my mind is asking ‘ what’s the f……g point?’
But I find it very annoying to look at chaos and mess, and I love my daughter, so I suppose that is the point.
It’s just that there is no joy in my life, and that makes me feel guilty and ashamed.
So, not only is there no pleasing me, I can’t even please myself!
Ugh 
Maybe tomorrow will be less bloody annoying. Xx
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Hi omg it’s like I’ve written this myself. I 100
% get where you are coming from.x
I know the feeling i like company but i also like being alone because i listen to what people say but they try there best to understand but i know what i feel and what i am thinking and being alone lets me get those feelings our
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