They don’t get it

Second post today. It must be a bad day.

My brother and mum both asked if I was okay today. When I said no, they asked why. Do they really have to ask?

It might be seven weeks since Colin died but today I had two conversations about the internment of my husband’s ashes. A conversation, even now, I can’t believe I am having. How do you even contemplate such a conversation?

I then received a letter from his opticians. He missed an eye appointment it seems….because he is dead.

I had to, for the umpteenth time, try and say, without my voice breaking, ‘please remove my husband from your database because he is dead’.

I then was offered a great contract for some work. My brother thought that was good news and didn’t understand why I had to turn it down.

It was a great job. But I can’t function. I can’t concentrate, I don’t care about anything, I can’t think about anything other than missing my husband. I can’t trust my emotions. My confidence is in tatters. My brain is in a fog. I have no option but to turn it down, because I’m not that confident, independent business owner any more.

I’ve sat alone at home through Saturday night and have Sunday alone too. Weekends are so hard. I am so empty and alone, My company is my journal, in which I write to my dead husband.

I pray each night I don’t wake up. I am so desperately sad.

So when you ask if I’m okay….the answer really is no. Why can’t people understand? I am not the person I was, and never will be again.


Hi @ElsieF, I was so touched by your post. I am so sorry for your loss, it is so soon for you, I know what you’re going through. It’s been over a year and a half fo me, but it seems like yesterday, I feel trapped in time. My life and above all, my mind, stopped the day I lost my beloved, I know what you mean about not being the same person. How can we be? It is so irritating when people seem “surprised”, when you say that you are not ok. I just suggest not to be bothered about these comments, they just can’t possibly understand our torment, unless theyve gone through this themselves. People seem so caring and worried at first, but then just disappear, or just don’t bother asking anymore. I have now come to terms with the fact that it’s impossible to have a conversation with someone who doesn’t “get it”, the sad part is that we understand them (we didn’t know either what it was like to lose a life partner, until now), but they will never understand us.

Sending you strength, hoping you find comfort sharing you thoughts here, where we all relate to each other, understand the pain we’re all going through.


Thank you.

1 Like

It sounds to me like you’re right to be upset - asking why you’re not ok after just 7 weeks??? I’m 7 months into this awful new life and I’m still not ok most of the time.
Be kind to yourself and don’t feel you have to explain yourself to people who don’t “get it”. One thing I’m trying to do is to not go along with things I’m not happy with. I used to get myself into things so as not to upset others. Since my husband died I’ve decided to be more honest and to only do things I choose. If other people are upset by that - tough. Life is short and we have to care for ourselves.


Quite right @Flossy3. I have quite simply started to avoid people who tell me what I should do, think, say or be. I’m trying to get out as much as possible, acquaintances, anyone - and will never turn down an invitation to get out, be distracted - UNLESS they are people who will piss me off…


@DennisS, I agree totally, at the moment, the only people I can talk to with the knowledge of being understood, are all of you here on this site.
Thank you, everyone, and may you all find strength to help you ‘move forward’, and NOT ‘move on’ (the words we don’t want to hear)


Hi . I totally agree with you .can’t let family know how I really feel . It would be to upsetting for them . Work colleagues think I’m doing alright. Because when I did try and reach out to them they didn’t understand… so I only have this site to put my feelings down . And find comfort knowing I am as NORMAL as I can b e .in what I feel . At the moment I can’t even see a way of moving forward .I’m just stuck in not wanting this life and just wanting the happy life I had . And as for the dreaded moving on . I know in my heart that will never happen whatever moving on supposedly means. And yes the help on this site is greatly appreciated .even though we are all so devastated with the loss of our partners .people do find time to support us .thank you. Xtake carex


It is just awful knowing nothing and no one can help, except the one person we need most x


Hi all
Solost, yes, ‘moving forward’, definitely not ‘moving on’. And as for people’s comments, someone told me recently they were sorry I was ‘still having difficulties’. ‘Still’ and ‘difficulties’!? My beloved Paul died just over 11 weeks ago and I’m heartbroken. I’m mired in grief, not having 'difficulties '. But people don’t always think. I know the comment was supposed to be sympathetic, but the choice of words upset me.
You guys really get it and I’m thankful for that.
Love to all


My son has been great at helping me sort everything out since I lost his dad, but it seems coming to the house is painful for him, which I understand, but every time I say I am missing his dad he say like we all are. This really upsets me as he seems to totally dismiss my feelings. He’s not interested in comforting me at all. It’s 7 weeks tomorrow and I fear that most of my family feel I should be getting on with it by now.


I am so sorry for you. I know exactly what you mean. I see very few people now. When C first died I couldn’t move in my house for people, and the phone never stopped. Three months later, everyone has moved on. And I’m left behind, in some empty no man’s land between life and death. Sending love.


Sending love back to you too, it’s awful but thankfully the anxiety has eased, I spoke to my son and explained how I feel, I’m just so lucky to have him.


We never wanted children. I regret that now, for the first time in my life. But I know it isn’t really the child I yearn for, it is my husband.


People know nothing about what we go through. We actually need to find sympathy for them because there is a 50% chance it will happen to them. The grief of losing the love of your life is like no other and until they experience the emotional and physical pain they have no idea! Love to everyone x