Since losing my Dad I’ve noticed some real changes in my persona, which naturally I allocate to grief. I’ll call them my grievances lol. I hate how I wake in the morning with horrible anxiety & dread. For a split second I think it’s just been a dream…I hate how 16 weeks without him have been a mixture of slow & fast & I’m further away from the day & him… I hate how I feel inside & if I wanna share something with him I can’t…I hate how life rumbles on regardless & shopping is now a nightmare of which I can’t tolerate people…I hate how my Dad’s last moments, his body lying there & images of him in the chapel of rest torment me thru out the day…I’m sure other ppl on here have similar feelings on how grief breaks a person.
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I am nearly a year on now
I truly believe that losing a parent eventually makes you who you are and you don’t have time to deal with people’s bull… S… And you can easily evict them from your life and start afresh
I have freed my time up from users Inc family who haven’t shown any empathy at all.
Some may say it’s in my head but even if that’s the case it’s still how I feel…
Its freed me up to launch my business properly and I’m doing it knowing I have mums backing and how proud she would be as we only really knew each others for a few years bf she passed.
So I say to you
Turn the pain into power 
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@Lennastarr Thankyou for your response & sorry about your mum. I like your: Turn the pain into power 
I’ll start using the phrase lol. Like you, I no longer suffer fools, which is my only plus right now. It took a death to realise life is too short to surround myself with muppets. I hope your mum knew in the end how much you loved her & you’re doing her proud now. Thanks again for your kind words. X
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Hi Cee,
I relate to your post. It’s been seven months since I lost my Dad and at times I feel like I hate everything!
Losing Dad has changed nearly every aspect of my personality. Its sadly made me more short tempered, less patient and some days I just feel angry.
I hate feeling sad and worried and not being able to speak to Dad. He was always the person who supported me and made me laugh. I hate that it’s been seven and a half months since I last held his hand. I hate that cancer took him away from us when I need him so very much. I hate that I didn’t know he was sick and that I couldn’t save him.
Every bit of joy and every memory is now intertwined with the grief and everything hurts. I hate that no one asks me about him and that I don’t get to talk about him. I have no one who understands.
Not long before Dad died he told me that this would change me in more ways than I currently realised and it would give me the confidence to do things that I wouldn’t have done before. I have found this to be true, as the only thing i don’t currently hate is that I care less. I don’t worry about the things that I used to and I don’t worry what other people think in the same way as I did before. Maybe in time I will learn to hate things less?
Thanks for your post. It makes me feel less alone.
Xx
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@Katherine86 Thankyou for adding to my post & thoughts. I have the anger & irritation with things. I lack patience now which makes me laugh cos my Dad was known for this. We shared a sense of humour & if something happened in my day that I knew he’d find funny, I’d always tell him. It’s strange but when he died, I wanted to tell him. Ridiculous really. That bit you wrote of how every memory is now intertwined with grief about sums it up. I’m the youngest of 4 & the only girl so the bond was quite special lol. Thankyou for sharing & it is nice to have people who get it. Warmest wishes. X
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Hi Cee,
Thanks for your reply. It sounds like you and your Dad have a really strong bond.
I experienced similar feelings of wanting to tell my Dad what happened after his death. I remember telling my mum and brother that I wanted to speak to Dad and say you’ll never believe what happened. I think that’s the thing that’s most difficult not being able to just speak to them and tell them what’s going on (in the same way). Fortunately, I feel like I know what my Dad would say in nearly every situation so I can lean into that.
I am emotional mess lately reading some of these posts brings me to tears.
Hope you have a peaceful day.
Take care.
Xx
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I understand where you’re coming from. It has been two years and six months since my mum passed away and it still feels so raw. I haven’t slept properly and always wake up at the time she passed away. I have flash backs and have developed some sort of twitch and make a noise every time images of her being ill pops in my head, everything reminds me of her so I try to avoid certain things, places and people. I use to be such a happy, vibrant person but now I just survive on my anger. Its just so hard.
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@Katherine86 Thankyou, you too. We’re all in this together. I looked at Dad’s urn earlier & thought, I can’t believe that that’s him. If it wasn’t for supporting my mum, I think I’d have fallen apart by now. I’m sure you know how that feels. Have a good week & kindest regards. X
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@Aslan Sorry about your mum. I can relate to the noise thing. Whenever I walk thru town & I hear those electronic traffic bollards, it brings it all back as they make the same sound as the barrier on the hospital carpark. I too avoid places we went together because it’s too painful. Some days I think I’m doing ok cos I’m busy but then I feel guilty carrying on as normal. It’s the reason I come here. To be with people who’ve experienced this as it’s hard to broach in real life. I think just getting thru a day is an effort. I’d stand in the garden & scream but my neighbours are nosy enough 
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You have got to drop your anger
Find peace with yourself 
It’s my mum’s Birthday today. The first without Dad’s card & gifts. I had a necklace made for her from him with his handwriting on. I know it’s not the same but I had to give her something on his behalf. My heart really breaks for her 
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I was very angry at the fools I had to deal with. I still am and slowly deleting them from my life
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@Crystal22 Good for you, life’s too short to tolerate the intolerable. Surround yourself with people who have your back & you have theirs. X
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