Things that help me a little bit.

LBC Talk radio - it witters on throughout the day and night. Steve Allen at 4 am is very distracting.

Looking after the dog - walking him
3 x a day means I get out of the house and meet other dog walkers. If you don’t have a dog contact the Cinnamon Trust as a volunteer.

Fresh flowers in the house makes it brighter.

Any other tips? please add to the thread .We all need all the help we can get.

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What a nice dose of positivity DaleJackie-I look at the sunset, listen to the falling rain. I sit quietly in the early quiet moments before the dawn. I feel my little sister’s presence when I allow myself to slow down. Walks on a sunny day, taking in the sights and smells of Spring. Taking inventory of what I still have in my life. (when I feel like I’ve lost everything).
Rubbish TV helps, but I stay with the comedies. Light reading. I also find reaching out to others who might need a helping hand, helps me to play it forward. That was how my sister was, always thinking of others. I remember her selflessness, and try to follow her example.
None of this changes the harsh reality of what we are facing, but I welcome even a momentary respite from this pain.
Take care and thank you for starting this thread. Xxxx Sister2

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Thankyou both so much. Wanting to help others is so kind.
I too believe in doing my best to bring positivity in my life.
I walk a lot with my dogs, always other dog owners to have a chat to, plus fresh air plus exercise that is good for you plus the beauty of nature that is all around us for free plus I get tired after a long walk and sleep well at night so a win, win situation.
I have allotments and that keeps me busy, gardening is a great love and very therapeutic. I go to the gym. Hope to start reading again and begin to enjoy music again. I agree about the helping hand. Donated vegetables (home grown) to food banks and as I will grow more than enough for me hope to find people that I can give to. We are all experiencing a trauma in our lives and if we can learn from this then perhaps we can offer a helping hand to others in the future.
Yes, thankyou. I look forward to seeing how other members are coping.
Pat xxx

For me I think I started by identifying a list of things that were holding me back. The intention was to target those things that would be easiest to change and offer some encouragement to tackle the more difficult things.
I’m part way through and I can see the semblance of a different life.
In theory I should have been well equipped to deal with change as I had worked for years in the area of change management.
I thought I could apply some techniques and strategies to my own situation. Could I walk the walk.
I believe that all change starts with us having an acknowledgement and acceptance that change is desirable. It’s impossible to be prescriptive as we are all at very different points on the continuum…
What has worked for me would be anathema to someone else.
I’m a member of U3A and I joined things that potentially could engage me and interest me, book club, drawing group and various social groups built around visiting places. The book club and drawing have carry over, in that they work whilst at home.
I walk a lot and I do that mindfully, fully engaged in my surroundings. I have a massive list of interests including art, music, architecture, visiting interesting buildings.
Tomorrow I go home after 17 days in my campervan. Being away from home seems to work for me, whilst living a stripped down life. I will be straight in to planning my next trip away.

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Lovely thread and some similar themes.

Going away for a few days gives me a new perspective. Getting out in nature, cloud spotting, star gazing and walks. Oh and the wonderful butterflies, ladybirds, robins and blackbirds that all remind me oddly of my mum and dad.

Yoga has been a life line for me and released physical and emotional tension at the same time. I’ve even cried while doing it and not cared.

Saying no to things has been very good for me and saying yes to being around only people who I want to be with is liberating.

Trash TV, reading and long contemplative baths have also been important.

Keep on keeping on everyone.

Ann xxx

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You reminded me. I should add Yoga, pilates as well as dance to my interests, however I have found these difficult to concentrate on since losing Brian. I am trying however to get my interest back and do cry while doing it. My dogs do make me laugh though as they either attempt to copy my moves or decide to sit on top of me. When out walking I also take in all the wildlife and nature around me and draw comfort from it. I love reading but haven’t really been able to concentrate on this either. I also find a soak in a bath full of bubbles relaxing.

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Firstly, remembering my husbands love of, and enthusiasm for life, and trying now to live it for the both of us.

Changing very little about me and the life we had. We loved what we did together and we loved what we did as individuals. Consequently, I don’t feel the need to change the way I live my life.

Attempting to help others as much as possible who travel this grief journey.

Writing a journal.

Continuing to love him on a daily basis just as I always did, as well as letting myself feel his love for me.

Finally, realising grief is love in another form therefore, as long as the love is there the grief will be too. This thought encourages me to be grateful for the grief, which in turn encourages me to embrace it, rather than fight it.

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How lovely, I realised that I feel so like you. My life hasn’t changed that much. I still walk the countryside as we did together. I still do the allotments just as we did together. I do go to the gym, which Brian had a go at but wasn’t very keen. He painted and one day I hope to finish off some of his half done ones for him. He was a keen photographer and I am thinking of taking out a camera with me. I always was a good photographer but it seemed a waste of time two of us doing it at the same time. So that’s another thing to do on my list.
He is with me every second of every day. I too am learning to embrace the grief and know it is my love for him.
I hope to put the hand of Friendship and help to anyone I can and not be in such a hurry and impatient.
Take care and thankyou

Pat xx

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…and on we go, Pat. Hold that thought. Sending you love and peaceful thoughts for a good Wednesday xx

Hi. It’s to get out every day. I go for walks to a fav. Place. Enjoy the garden as we both did although I find it difficult sitting on our bench on my own. I don’t cook much. Still miss him so much. Xx lilypetal

Hello Lilypetal
Thank you for replying. Yes I agree it is always good to get out. We was both keen ramblers and I still go out on our walks. I have two lovely dogs that I am lucky to have walking with me. They give me so much pleasure. I enjoy the countryside, the beaches and woodland. We both has allotments and I have kept Brian’s. Couldn’t bear to see anyone else on it. I was pleased that I was able to still do it. I did wonder if I could face it. Our garden I’m afraid is another story and I do manage to do it but have to feel in the right mood. Fortunately it’s not a difficult one to deal with full of shrubs, pots and no grass. I can no longer sit on the patio, it just doesn’t have the right feel anymore. Brian and I sat on the patio one autumn day last year, little did we know that it would be the last time he would go outside.
I don’t think any of us will ever stop missing them but we just have to get used to not having them with us physically. I do feel Brian with me at the allotments and convince myself he’s looking over my shoulder ready to point out anything that he’s not happy with. I tell him to come and do it himself if he’s doesn’t like it. Cooking not the same is it. I cook because of growing my own veg in abundance but make no fuss now like I used to. Just throw it together. I took pride with my cooking before making sure we had healthy meals.
Pat xxxx

My daughter bought me a build a bear teddy that has a button on it. Every nught and every morning I press it and Chris’s voice says “I love you Mrs M”.
It’s so nice to hear my darlings voice.

Hi everyone. Still struggling at times. Trying to wean myself off anti depressants now.
Can’t understand myself at times. I feel very lonely and friends invite me out. Sometimes I cancel and stay at home alone. It doesn’t make sense. Miss my kids. Both live interstate.
Some friends have tapered off now.
Trying my best. Work is a Godsend xx

To Yorkshire Lad and all who have written on this thread. I could say exactly the same as you in your comment that theoretically you feel you should be able to cope due to your past responsibilities at work etc. Being the eldest of five siblings I was somehow expected to cope well with life. I met my husband at 17 and a half years, only just beginning upon my career, and continuing to study, leading later to positions of responsibility in the world of the office. Marriage and family life brought further responsibilities, including ensuring relationships with siblings and those of my husbsnd’s family were kept up. My husband and I were often the instigators of family get-togethers, which over the years we all enjoyed. Most would expect me to be ‘coping’ now with my grief. I feel that to some extent I have coped over the 14 months since my dear husband died. But very few know how often I am in tears due to the sheer change of living on my own. I miss my lovely husband so much and though I have joined a number of groups in order to further my own interests and meet people, I still find it difficult going out to do those things. Yet, I know I am the only one who can make these adjustments for myself. My husband and I always loved and appreciated the countryside, firstly in our youth as cyclists, then later as motorists and even now when driving on my own I can appreciate the countless views of the countryside that I maybe passing through, keeping my eyes on the road too, of course! I now take friends who do not drive out for a ride from time to time, and that always gives me a lift. My son and daughter do take me out occasionally, but I know they think Mum is okay she is pretty independent. My mother wrote in my autograph book when I was about sixteen a poem by Patience Strong, in which there was the line “On your own true self depend”! So on the whole I have done just that! Blessings. Deidre.

Hi all, I am adding this to my above post which I wrote in the early hours. I’ve now had a night’s sleep that was better than usual. The thoughts that keep me going are similar to many on this site that though in grief, we are also acknowledging the beautiful love that we had and shared with our late husband/wife/partner. Just sitting in my chair, next to where he used to sit, watching television, chatting about almost anything, also being in our garden together, in the latter years not necessarily working, but sitting and relaxing together. So many years, of wonderful companionship, enjoying being active and energetic in younger days until the contentment of less energetic times in retirement. We were so blessed to have had 59 years of marriage. Yes, I would have liked even more, but I have my wonderful memories. I know my beloved would want me to carry on, in the way we had done together, if that makes sense! I know it is hard at times for all of us in this effort of coping, but remembering the good times helps. Hoping you all have as good a day as possible. Deidre.

Yes, Deidre, we must be so very grateful for all we had and, still have with our partners. Love does not die with the person, it lives on and on and on…The physical presence we are without, and although that is so very painful for us we must console ourselves that the spirit and love lives on.

I often think how I would be if I had died and left my husband living on this earth. Would I want him continuing daily to cry, to not live some sort of a life, to give up on almost everything and just simply exist, to find nothing but sadness in his memories of me, to be unable to look at my photographs without smiling…? Would I? Absolutely not. Those thoughts break my heart into many pieces. I would want him to know that I had to leave, without choice, in body only. That I am with him every single step. That I want him to smile and laugh. That I want him to do all that he needs to do to make his life the best it can be without me. I would want him to remember me for all that I was, good and not so good. To smile at the memories and to kiss my face on my photos occasionally. I would want him to continue to love me, miss me sometimes and, know that I never left him, I just went into the other room without him for a while loving him as I always did before. I left the door ajar…

Yes, that is the way I would hope my husband would be if I had died before him and, I am absolutely sure he wants the same for me. Absolutely sure.

I live now for the both of us and everything I do, everywhere I go and every thought I have, he is with me always. I love him eternally. Oh yes I do :wink: x

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Thank you cw13 for your reply. Such lovely thoughts. Like you, I have often thought that if I had died first, I certainly wouldn’t want my husband living a sad existence. In fact, knowing him, he was a quiet bùt determined fellow, and would have got on with life, and so remembering that, I know he deserves to know that I can do the same. Thanks again cw13 for your thoughts. Deidre

That’s amazing, I would love one. I daresay I could find Brian speaking on a video or I do have a CD of him singing. I would love to hear him night and morning but what is a build a bear teddy. I want one.
Pat xxx

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Hi Pat. They have shops all over the country where you go and make your own bear… You don’t do any sewing just choose the stuffed animal and it’s clothes and you can add sound to it. Here’s a link to their website.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.buildabear.co.uk/&ved=2ahUKEwjbvPvd3-biAhWbThUIHfg9CRYQFjAAegQIBxAD&usg=AOvVaw3DVrXyIklpE9fvt9VcynFb

Thanks for that. checked it out and we haven’t got one near us, but I have taken the telephone number of the nearest one and will give them a call.
Pat

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