Things we miss

As well as missing Gary in everything I do - suddenly something goes through your mind that starts the tears that are never far away. A fleeting thought that grows into something so much bigger and breaks a bit more of your heart. Last night when writing in my journal I realised I would never hear his nickname for me ever again . He never called me by my real name - it was always his special name for me. He wrote it in cards, on notes or called it out if he wanted me for something. No one else has ever called me that - nor will they - it was his name for me and it makes me so terribly sad that I have lost that too as well as him. That part of me has gone forever.

I was so used to worrying about him - just because I loved him so - that I still wake up and worry - before realising that this time the really hot weather doesn’t matter. And as others have mentioned you pass something in a shop - like walking through the menswear department in M&S - and think just for a moment shall I buy him something nice? It is times like these that the pain that is always there becomes even more acute. And you hurry back to the car and just sob. Or you pass the boats on the river and it occurs to you that the trip you kept meaning to do and never got round to is never going to happen now. Forty years of loving someone - it is so hard to accept what has happened,

I think one of the worst times for me is in the car - car journeys on your own are very lonely. I recently went back to work and the hardest thing is the journey there and back and of course coming home to an empty house. And the talking. He was a real chatter - we used to talk about anything and everything and even after so many years we still had so much to talk about. So this silence is just awful. I still talk to him- but there is no answer back.

I have made a promise that I will try to do something different every week - I cannot do the same things so I must try to do other things. They may not be grand gestures - but it is the start of a slow process to put a new life together which I hope I will find some meaning in. It is not about my wonderful children who remain supportive and caring - it is about me finding enough to do to stop them worrying about me and giving them the freedom to live their lives. It is me thinking that my mother’s generation that lost so many husbands and lovers in the war had to be so brave and just carry on - despite suffering hardship and bringing up children on their own. And of course the mothers that lost their sons. Is my grief worse than theirs - no of course not. Our grief is individual to us - we cannot say how we compare to others. However I think the deeper we love then the scar that is left behind is perhaps the hardest to heal. And even when others cannot see or remember the scar, we know it is just not visible any more - it is still and will always be there.

It is not quite three months since I lost Gary - it is still raw and some days, like today, I still cannot really believe it. So please forgive me my outpouring yet again. These things I can only share with the people here - I would not share them with others face to face so I use this forum and writing on it to confess how I am feeling. Thank you.
Please all take care of yourselves.

Trisha xx

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Afternoon Trisha, I truly believe you are doing really well in your bereavement, I can understand fully everything you have written.

As you know, last Friday was 14 months since Alan passed, yet some days, it feels like yesterday. Only this morning, after reading posts from others about not being with their husbands/partners when it was their time time leave, it triggered memories, I count myself blessed that I was with Alan and we spent his last 45 minutes on the earth plane alone together. I am truly grateful I was able to say goodbye and shall cherish those 45 minutes in my heart for the rest of my days, after reading the posts, it triggered memories of the hours afterwards that I’d subconsciously blocked from my mind, I sat with Alan for 6 hours after he’d passed, waiting for a doctor to come and certify the time, a staff member came into his room with the intention of waking him up for a.cup of tea, other instances came into my mind of those 6 hours and once season I was reduced to tears.

I still cannot watch certain tv programmes, cannot even contemplate going on holiday to the places we loved. This last weekend I met up with a friend and her mother and whilst wandering around the shops, I had to stop myself from picking up a shirt I knew he’d really like.

Even now, I still can’t watch the TV programmes I loved and he didn’t. He used to rib me about certain programmes and I would purposely find an episode on catch up knowing he’d rib me more, now I don’t even want to watch them any more, too many memories.

I don’t even cook the meals we enjoyed together, I can’t. One day perhaps although I did fir Christmas Day even though I didn’t acknowledge the day, also cooked his favourite meal on his birthday both days tinged with extra sadness.

He was always teasing me and winding me up, it used to really annoy me, how I wish he was here annoying me now. But we all know that is impossible, so like you Trisha, I too, look for different things to do, different places to visit, I talk to Alan constantly, share my day, my thoughts, my feelings with him. I feel a little apprehensive about making new memories where he is missing from them, yet know I must so our children can create their own new memories too.

Pottering in the garden now is very solitary but I continue to do it, I talk to Alan as I am trimming and pruning the plants, our don said he’d mow the lawn wash time, whilst I’m able to do it, I shall continue, yet know he will help if I need him to. Our daughter is the same, they’re not replacing their dad, they’re helping to make it easier for me and likewise, I am helping to make it easier for them. I want them to know and see that I can and shall cope with most things as best as I can, and for as long as I can. Made some changes to make slne tasks easier for me. Alan and I had plans which I have been fulfilling, most exactly as we had agreed, feel this keeps him close, other plans I have adapted to fit in with my own capabilities now he’s not here to take the load. This way, I still keep him close and Alice in my heart, at the same time I keep my independence and allow our children to rebuild their lives too without having to worry about me.

Sorry, think I’ve wandered along the scenic route here, hopefully what I’ve written makes sense in part.

I now hate food shopping more than ever, everything in the cupboards and freezer are all my preferences, gone are the ingredients he preferred, gone are the ingredients for the meals we e enjoyed together.

One of the biggest upsets is seeing only my clothes on the washing line, one set of towels blowing in the breeze reduces me to floods of tears that no one apart from everyone here and others who have lost a partner can never understand.

So many memories, so many ordinary every day events that are now so very emotional

Blessings
Jen☆

Hi Jen,
I agree totally with everything you have written. It is coming up to nine months since Simon passed suddenly. He was only 49. I’m 10 years older. We used to have the routine when going to bed of me making a hot drink, putting it on a tray and taking it upstairs. Such a simple thing, but I can’t use that tray anymore. Stupid I know. It took me a long time to even make a drink to take to bed. Also there is sleeping alone, apart from my two dogs now. I have tried to sleep in the middle, but I couldn’t so went back to my own side.
As like your Alan, Simon was always winding me up. He would tell me things with such a straight face and I always fell for it! He also liked doing the cooking, so the cupboards are full of spices and ingredients. I gave my friend some of the food from the freezer as it was things I wouldn’t eat. I don’t like cooking at the moment as it reminds me so much of him in the kitchen. As you say it’s the little things that get to you. Sitting in the garden, one toothbrush, his mug saying ’ welcome to the miserable old gits club’.
We used to take the dogs out together and that took a long time for me to get used to and not cry. LIttle things.
Take care, love Janet xx

Sorry for all the predicted text words, own fault for not checking before posting. Thought I’d been extra careful , ☆

Dearest Jen

Of course I know exactly what you mean - and you and I always take the scenic route don’t we. It gets us there and distracts us from out sadness for a short while too.

Take care and speak very soon xx

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Hi Trisha F,

Your very fine words describe the emotions and feelings we all have dealing with the loss of the unique wonderful characters of our partners.

All we can do is carry them in our hearts and help those around us as we go about our lives with a different future from the one we wanted.

I am gradually writing down all my memories both good and occasionally a little annoying down in a journal. The thought of her lovely life and all the things she did not being somehow recorded would be a tragedy. It is sometimes painful writing the memories down, but the overwhelming feeling is of how lucky I was to be in the right place at the right time to meet this beautiful lady, who became my soulmate. Emi changed my world massively for the better. I’ve known her for 28 years and married for 16 years.

So carry on writing your thoughts down here anytime.

Take care,

Keith

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Dear Keith

Thank you for your reply. How brave you are to write down all your memories - at the moment my journal is just an outpouring of how much I miss him and what has happened during the day - just like I would talk to him. But you have inspired me to do the same. It sounds like Emi and your relationship was very special indeed.

Take care

Trisha xx

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Hi Trisha,

It is not everyday that someone says that I inspire them. The recollections of Emi are too precious to loose with a fading memory. I still chat to her everyday for my sanity. I am glad to hear you keep a journal of your feelings throughout the day of your partner, Gary. I may try that in the future myself too. The silly things we said to each other I miss so much as well as the the years of talking about her cancer and the bright future we planned because we discovered what life and love truly mean.
I wish you well on this journey. By the way, your words inspire me too.

Take care,

Keith

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Trisha
Please feel free to open up to me about anything.
I know how you feel as I feel the same.
Like you I am often in shops and see things that I would pick up for Mike as a treat and just can’t get over the fact that he is not with me anymore.
I have been very lucky with lovely new friends I have been lucky to have made including you. It’s really kept me going knowing that other as out there. For me it is a lonely life and I don’t think I will ever get use to it. I have never been a loner and go from day to day.
We have been with our special person a long time and it is so hard to let go. I do try to be brave but like you a sad wave comes over me.
I hope they are looking down on us. You never know your Gary may be with my Mike. Perhaps they have met up too. Lets hope so xxx

Thank youTrisha . Your words really help me as I don’t feel I am going through this journey of tears alone. Everything you describe and experience is exactly how I feel. The deeper the love the deeper the scar. Yes sometimes things just come into my mind about my Ed and I breakdown into tears. I only had 10 years with him but they were the best 10 years of my life. I feel robbed. We all were on here. Reading your posts comforts me Trisha. Thank you again. I send you love and hugs
Liz x

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