Should I move house to rid myself of so many memories of a 53 year marriage. They are all happy memories but I find them upsetting.I am 83 years of age.
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It can all be so overwhelming. Maybe someone close to you can help you w/ the decision? I wish you the best.
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Thanks for your reply. The thought of packing etc. is quite overwhelming.Before my wifes death I wanted to move but she was not keen. I now have two daughters and their families keeping a careful watch on me so I shall not be making any rash moves. I just feel sometimes that fresh scenery might give me a fresh outlook on life.We shall see.
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I couldnāt imagine myself moving any time soon. I lost my wife 6 months ago and have completely lost my equilibrium. Iām not in any state to make big decisions or take on such a huge challenge. We moved 8 years ago and I remember it being incredibly stressful. However, we are all different. Are you considering a move far away & would you be moving closer to either of your daughters?
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Luckily both my daughters are close by so any move ,if it happens would be local. People keep telling me to do nothing for twelve months. It is now nine months since my wife died and unless a move becomes essential I am more and more feeling I am better off where I am.
I have resolved not to make any big decisions- like house moves - in a hurry. My main reason for moving would be that I canāt keep up with the maintenance of this house and large garden. I know as I grow older Iāll need more help and the budget is a lot tighter now than it was. Plus Iām a long journey from my grandchildren. So practical considerations suggest a move maybe. But as for memories, thatās a strong reason why I want to stay. I look at the mature trees in the garden and remember when my husband planted them. I remember our sons playing rugby with him and that brings me solace. But the memories also catch me out and make me cry. I went in the woodshed yesterday for a basket of logs and realised I had seasoned wood from 2021 and 2022, then fresh logs from 2024 onwards that I was so proud of myself for splitting and stacking. But nothing from 2023. My annus horribilis. I stood in the shed and wept.
I would love to walk away from the memories of my manās declining health, of struggling to care for him here at home. But there are far more happy memories from when he was fit and active. Iām not ready to let them go yet.
Nevertheless I am incrementally working on clearing out nooks and crannies just in case I have to pack up sometime! Very small steps at a time. I keep looking at two surfboards hanging up in the garage that havenāt been used in decades but I canāt bring myself to dispose of.
Best wishes with your decision making. Thereās no right answer for everyone.
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Dear @91howdyhow
I also wanted to move house after my husband died because every corner held memories. For me and our teenage son, a move would not be practical. With this in mind I started changing the decor of the house to help me feel less triggered. The memories in our house were good but nonetheless, made my heart hurt and yearn for my husband.
Do what you feel is right.
Take care.
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Thank you for your kind comments. I am fast thinking that moving is not such a good idea. For the moment anyhow.
Celebrations are my next problem. Yesterday was my late wifeās birthday and I had a terrible day of grief despite the love shown by my family. Christmas is fast approaching and I am dreading it .The wife loved it and last Christmas she really enjoyed the day and seemed to find a new lease of life. It was a wonderful family day. Unfortunately she passed within two weeks. This year fills me with horror. I feel I ant to be away or do something totally different without reminders of the past. I am also thinking of volunteering to a charity. I would love to know how others are approaching this.
This will be my second Christmas on my own. I really donāt want to be in the house, donāt want to put up decorations. Last year I managed to duck all that by going away to Cumbria and having low key Christmas lunch with my older son. His wife is vegetarian and they donāt have kids so there was no risk of the full turkey nonsense or mounds of wrapping paper. This year younger son has told me heās bringing his kids to visit the week before Christmasā¦.which will be lovely as I donāt see the grandchildren oftenā¦.but I guess it means I shall have to get a tree and find the fairy lights. Neil always took charge of that, so goodness knows where they will be!
I just hope I get through it without my six yr old granddaughter saying Granny why are crying again.
I think you are very brave to take on anything for Christmas. I really hope it goes well for you. It was my late wifeās birthday two days ago and although the family and friends were very kind and thought they were helping it was a very difficult time. On her birthday we visited her graveside and had a cake and champagne. I have not stopped crying since. Will it ever get better?
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Itās still early days for you. This New Year will be the two year anniversary of losing my lovely husband. And then I lost my sister just three days later. I still cry in the middle of the night when I think how cruel it was that I couldnāt travel to see her because I was so tied up in nursing Neil. The last time I saw her was at our Mothers memorial service in Spring 2023.
I find the grief comes in waves but overall I suppose it does get more bearable. I often cry, but not every single day now. And I think Iām getting better at accepting the tears, then blowing my nose, taking a breath and getting on with it.
Funny how blowing your nose and getting on with it sometimes works and other times it doesnāt. Periods between waves of grief are getting a little longer and I suppose āā getting on with itāā will one day become the norm. Let us hope so. Sharing your pain on this site helps and I hope you have also found some comfort.
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this is my 3rd xmas without hubby, he died easter 2022. even the first one i put up the tree etc, had presents with son and xmas dinner. i didnt change anything. it was sad and strange without hubby there but its only one day. my tree goes up 1st dec now, used to be earlier.
Annie
Like you Iām trying to prepare the house for the eventuality of moving some day or other
When I stay away from home I realise my family still have all their commitments and i would have to start a new life there and still be crying
If I stay with them I think it is more sociable than moving near whilst they are working as I would then be considered sorted
We only moved here 6 months before my husband passed away so I still have some of our plans to complete
At the moment Iām trying to make new connections via clubs and volunteering
It looks to me that there is a long road ahead just enduring this awful separation but I hope with fewer days being tearful
Thank goodness I have very special friend who is available on the phone and a sister who understands about the stresses of step families
Iām listening to others here
No hasty / desperation moves
Wishing all some calm and a smile or two
Hi, please donāt think I am horrible but to move house in your 80ās is a big ask. We had been married for 45 years and I love our house because of the memories and for me moving would not stop memories moving or not. This house is ours and when I go those memories will go with me. Enjoy knowing weāre every thing is in āyourā house. I am 11 years in and I still have upsetting times.
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Thanks for your comments. Much appreciated. Moving is on the back burner for now. I have hopefully sorted another worry. Christmas. I have booked a solo week away in the Canary Islands. Time will tell if this was the right thing to do but it feels right now and the family have been very supportive.
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Unfortunately memories go with you wherever you live as they live in your heart and mind.
An option you could consider as an alternative is to change everything, i.e. redecorate, new sofa, furnishings etc.
A saying āif in doubt do nowtā and ultimately nobody can help you with such a big decision
Good luck with whatever you choose to do
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