This morning missing my mum badly. Thought I would just look at our texts on my phone. Only go back to November 2019. Somehow I was back in our relationship, with her humour, with how much support she gave me, how I supported her. Then I had to see her disintegration in the texts from hospital. Texted me at 6 am, rather than pressing her call button. Because she couldn’t reach her water “I had to dampen the edge of the sheet to get moisture”, or that her incontinence pads weren’t working and she had flooded the bed. My independent, strong minded, funny, intelligent, capable, creative, loving, mum. How I miss you. I am feeling a bit crap physically and have problems with pain issues. I am so tired of feeling bad, feeling anxious; and I miss us so much. I don’t wish you back, because I know what you had to suffer; but I want us out together when we were young and healthy; enjoying ourselves, having fun, laughing. I just miss you so much, need our relationship so much.
Sending you lots of strength @Helencl, you’ve been so brave to post on the community. I’m sorry to hear about your mum, I can hear how close you both were and how much support she gave you. It’s understandable to be missing her and I hear how tough this has been for you.
You mentioned that you’re struggling with pain and anxiety, I was wondering if you’re getting much support at the moment?
Keep posting here whenever you need to, we’re here for you 
Hi @Helencl,
You know I think I miss my dad’s humour and his laugh most too. He was the most amazing presence in a room and in our family. It sounds like your mum was too!
It must have been horrid in a hundred different ways to lose your mum before you lost her again. I think it’s lovely that you look back on your conversations with her though. I have a shared photo drive with my siblings where we upload pictures and videos and snippets of dad whenever we come across them. All the smiles and nuggets of wisdom come back and we teach the kids all about Grandad - what his silly jokes were and what we learned from him.
Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling at the moment. Even if you have energy for nothing but that, I think it releases something, both reading and writing, in this community.
Nikki
Thank you for this post Helencl. I’ve only just joined this forum but I saw your post and wanted to say although I don’t know much about your story, I understand the pain you’re feeling. I too have the almost unbearable feelings from my darling Mum’s last time in hospital, hearing her fear and witnessing everything she went through. I can hardly bear it. When I think about her, her uniqueness and like you say “us”. Me and her together. My Mum.
Your Mum sounds like a real package of goodies, I hope you don’t mind me saying that.
Amy
I know how you are feeling ,I lost my mum 5 weeks ago and I miss her so much,every day I thi k of her and your right no one know our much it hurts till it happens she died at home with me hold her hand.i know it was the right time for mum to go,without any pain. But the pain I have now is unbearable.
I’m 66years old my mum was 93 with dementia, she had it 14 years i have lived with mum all my life looked after her for the 14 years she had dementia, and it got really bad the last 2. I looked after her 24 hours a day,she died at home in her sleep i was holding her hand. I can not forget the look on her face,when I looked up and seen her,its there all the time, I do not think I will ever get out of my head.
I’m her son.