Grief is not like we see in our favorite TV shows movies and books.
Death is usually part of any plot script. Soap operas, movies, hospital dramas, novels, crime shows and even comedies. You name it. Loss is part of every story line.
You know the scenes. Where the family is all dressed up in black. Sobbing. Watching the casket lower into the ground. Hugs. Seeming to grieve all in one day. Cut to the scene where the main character slowly strolls along the beach contemplating life now. Until the next episode or chapter where they seem to be able to move on and a new plot is developed.
This is not the reality of grief.
But if you havenāt lost anyone special in your life yet, what else can we reference? Sometimes this is all we have to go on. And it can make the process of grief even more daunting.
For example nobody yells CUT after the funeral scene. You find yourself āyour new different days ā trying to figure it all out. Still in shock. Still expecting your loved one to walk right through the door. There is not time to organize your thoughts before you are back to work or school with people who thinks you should be over it by now. (Maybe they think itās like the movies too).
Such a different world.
And dark. Even when the sun is out.
There is no perfect houses, hair and makeup to be seen like our shows on Netflix. Showers are now used for crying. Homes disorganized. Getting out of bed takes more energy then it ever has. Daily routines seem trivial when everything is different. Chores are done on auto pilot. You find the milk in the cereal cabinet. Keys in the fridge.
You try to dip your toes in this new world. But itās icy. Unrelatable. Pretend smiles. Acting like you are ok. Small talk about last nightās episode of the Bachelor seems to take up all of your energy. Because who cares about these things right now?
So you crave isolation. Your real life is enough drama and emotion to handle right now.
Staying awake during the day and staying asleep at night is impossible. Your digestive system is wrecked. Your search engine is pretty much questions about āIs this normal?ā
It is.
You wonder around in this unfamiliar, dark world. Not knowing who you are right now. You form a connection to the pain because grief is love. All the love building up we want so badly to express. But we are unsure where to send it. Feeling guilty to try to move on. Afraid of think about the past. Anxious about the future. But the present is so terribly uncomfortable. So we ruminate. Disoriented. Detached from the real world. Where people just go on with their mundane lives. And you just want to scream. āStop! Donāt you know what just happened???ā How are they laughing. Planning. Living???
So just know you are normal if you relate to all of this. This is real life that Hollywood only takes a sliver of reality from. Try not to compare. It is a daily process not an hour episode. We donāt get previews to what will happen next. It will take as long as it will take to grow a new story line. And you will. Grief is definitely character building. Plot twists will come out of nowhere. There is no script to follow.
Just your intuition, patience and adapting to the changes. Building life around your grief. Sometimes it will seem like itās wrapped tightly around the pain. Some days it bubbles up to the surface. You are the only one who truly knows what this loss feels like so tread lightly.
Let go of those comparisons. Your story is unique. Your character is growing in the midst of feeling like it isnāt. Some day you will tell it to others. On that day you will see how much growth and healing happened even when you convinced yourself you would never get through this pain.