This thing called Life

Losing a partner
1

I have been doing quite well of late, considering the circumstances of J’s death, with the exception of a set back in regards to someone I thought was a friend, but I digress. Anyway…

I am coming up for 11 weeks, since J took his life. The raw grief subsided somewhat, and I have been out to lunch with work colleagues, and even gone into the office for a coffee (not back at work yet). Generally doing a bit of pottering around.

I still have the inquest to go through early February next year, but apart from that, I was ‘relatively’ ok…ish. Until.

Today I drove to the shops, I wanted to by a bottle of champagne, as I am invited to a neighbour for drinks on Monday.

I was conscious of people and traffic around me; all busy, busy, busy, in a rush, getting prepared for Christmas. I am ignoring it and will be alone (except for my little old lady cat who is 17& a half yrs old)

I am quite good at disassociating myself from ‘stuff’, so although I saw what was going on around me, I chose to ignore it, as though I was alone on another plane of existence (if that makes sense)

En route, for the first time, I was listening to music in the car. Not the music J listened too, but music I like. I was feeling quite upbeat, and actually singing along (well, making a noise) until I saw a tree.

Yes, a tree. A normal bog standard tree (ok there is no such thing as a bog standard tree, but you get my drift) that lines the busy road I was driving on (I don’t recall what type of tree, possibly a beech, I know not)

Plenty of them around, but for some reason, this particular tree just caused me to completely break down sobbing that J is no longer alive to see the beauty that surrounds us in life. He chose his death, but it doesn’t change how utterly tragic and sad and distressing the situation is.

We are surrounded by so much beauty, both in nature, and even man-made, and it is heartbreaking that those no longer with us will never see a tree, or a flower, or a blade of grass, or a Roe deer, or a Buzzard, or anything else ever again. Those who left us are even more dead today than they were yesterday, and will be even more dead tomorrow, until the end of time.

Living in the woods, J and me were very finely tuned into the seasons, and we would notice even the tiniest clue that spring was about to put in an appearance. And it is shite that J will never see any of this again.

Life and death; two sides of the same coin.

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@OnlyMe2
Yeah I get all that. It can be the oddest of things that suddenly grab your heart and shake it.
Our house is in the middle of fields and my husband’s illness and mobility issues meant that our immediate surroundings and the local wildlife were so important to us. We very much did appreciate the beauty in small things. He was always good at catching videos of our garden visitors like our local hare and the stoat and the squirrels. I’m almost glad it’s winter just now and they are hidden away.
Glad you have been able to do a bit of pottering around though.

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I have found the most stupidest of things can set me off, even things that didn’t mean anything to either of us. I do however remember feeling exactly like you when i first walked through the park after his death and the first time we had a warm day. We loved the warmer seasons and they were always full of things to do together. It was incredibly hard and i get it.

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Oh my, this is bad, it’s the worst I have felt since the very early days. I know not what the hell happened, but this is very shite indeed.

I need to get out of this, I’ve just spiralled right down into a vortex of shit.

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@OnlyMe2
Oh heck, hang on in there.
Tuck yourself up somewhere warm with some food treats, put the TV on or read or whatever your best escape distraction is, and breathe.
I don’t think it’s unusual to have days like this that feel uncontrolled. I’ve been stupidly anxious today for no specific reason, just wound up and a bit shaky. I don’t know why.

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Thank you Sarie, it’s just all gone to pot, just like that.

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@OnlyMe2
I had what I felt was a watershed moment nearly 3 months after my loss which I described at the time as suddenly hitting grief day 1. Overnight I went from coping and doing stuff to totally falling apart, was the only day I stayed in bed till mid afternoon. It’s like I wasn’t really grieving before that. I’ve had bouts of anxiety on and off ever since that.
Sorry no real advice/help, but allow yourself to let it out and don’t panic, sometimes we need to just give in and just feel the total shite of what’s happened rather than just squinting sideways at it a bit.

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@OnlyMe2 Hang in there… keep talking, there’s people here listening out for you.

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If you can see the beauty of small things around you, disassociation can not claim you. I hope you have friends around to support you especially while you are waiting for the inquest. A counsellor who deals with trauma might help you. It does help to talk

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@Ccookknight @S_Diva @Sarie @Ali29

Thanks everyone, much appreciated.

I am calm today now, following the the storm of yesterday. It was just one of those things.

I made a comment somewhere else, and an acquaintance commented they knew exactly how I felt because their mother died. Not to take away the pain of losing a parent (both mine died, so yes I have ‘been there’), but to compare a suicide death of a spouse to the death of a parent. I can assure you, it is very, very different. :roll_eyes:

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