This time last year i was happy

Hows everyone doing today? As it gets nearer to xmas im getting more emotional. Had a couple of meltdowns in the car and had to wait for 30mins for my eyes to calm down before i went in the shop…no more listening to music in car it just sets me off blubbing. Came home and tried to wrap some presents up for my kids…my godness it was not easy…kept remembering wrapping presents up last year for my mum… i miss her si much…bless her x

I feel much the same, have taken several huge steps back I feel as am so emotional. The last week has been horrific. I force myself to get out of bed each morning and go to work. Have more or less finished now for the year so nothing else to occupy my mind. I miss my Mum desperately at the moment no know there is nothing i can do about it.

Im going back to work after the new year…i also force myself out of bed…just feel like all my motivation has gone i cant be bothered doing anything. Im thinking about getting a small tattoo a heart with mum… not sure yet. X

Had a monumental meltdown today in Tesco’s after being regaled with the Christmas jingles. Bought clothing that my mother would have liked and realised after paying for it and leaving that she was not here anymore. Bottled it all in until I had my refund…then it all came flooding out. Luckily I was heading away from the place when the seismic eruption of grief came out. So next time I see those awful adverts with that tiresome Ruth Jones in it my likely response is to be rather scatological…I wont go into details with that.

So now I am going to have an aversion to Tesco’s…not a bad thing there. Morrisons will now be my choice for being ripped off.

Did have the odd privilege of telling one of the local inebriates (the normal state for many in Neath, I think) who had wished me a merry Christmas in his rather booze addled and foul smelling way to go and do something rather unpleasant to himself and his ancestors…I used my most politest friendliest manner…His look of confusion (the norm for residents of Neath) and consternation was a picture to behold…it cheered me up a bit. Now I am feeling guilty about it (there must be a lot of Catholic antecedence in my linage…since I start feeling too guilty about thing that I shouldn’t be). I just find all this hail and hearty festive jollity a bit too much especially as we are building up to Christmas. .I am also starting to get rather sensitive so I will have to watch my reactions…a well meaning neighbour (actually a rather self important nosey windbag and grade A pain in the glutious maximus) tried to commiserate on my mother’s passing…Passing what? Passing blood? Passing urine? I wish she would have said died…but I must be aware that others find it difficult with coping with others grief.
I find that some people are well meaning by trying to avoid this topic…but it only adds to the pain for me.
Sorry folks I am rambling away here…my stream of consciousness, or verbiage or whatever you like, shows that today my levels of stress has gone through the ceiling…but I still retain a modicum of humour here.
Hope you are all OK?

sorry folks,
I am getting mean and wierd in my old age…I can sympathise with everyone here. this time last year, as the year before, had terrible chest infections and had to have the out of hours gp out to her…and she was prescribed with high powered antibiotics. The year before last…I got grumpy with her (something I cannot and will not forgive myself for) childishly I burst the balloons I bought for her on Christmas eve (her birthday would have been on Christmas day) and I was rather snappy with her. It upset her and me as well, no end. I was frustrated with her or her illness? to be honest I was frightened since she was not herself…last year she was ill again but the guilt of the previous year was hard for me to forget. I do miss her dearly…every other day I seem to be slipping into apathy and despair. one day no tears or upset…then I make up for it the next day. everytime I talk to those in the know the community mental health team, I have had depression on and off for a while, carers association and Cruse…they all say the same thing, that this is a normal pattern for grief…Oh Blimey! If that is normal…
I just hope that this Christmas I will be able to cope…If it is dry I will go for a long walk, I have CD’s, early music and Jazz and DVDs on tap, nothing Christmassy, either possibly a good thriller or a western maybe? Or even watch something like the epics, Sparticus or the best film about the ancients that ever was made: Carry on Cleo…sublime. Charles Hawtrey as Seneca Julie Caesar’s father in law…what more can I say.
I am making a few plans…in the New Year I will have to move (dreading it) but will start doing voluntary work to replensih my inadequate admin and customer service skills–as well as start meeting people again. I am also going to start up my much neglected dissertation for my MA…in ancient history (so I get the joke about Seneca…who in reality was a moral philosopher and tutor to Nero,.even though everyone else is rather bored and dumfounded by it no doubt). However, the plans I make will start to unfurl before even starting…so I will have to progress slowly with things.
Take care out there folks

Hi Dave

Sorry you are going through a tough time - with your mother’s birthday on Christmas day I can see the problem. I am sure that your mum forgave you long ago and God has forgiven you anyway, so you can forgive yourself. I think we are all afraid - sometimes I say it out loud, to externalise it and perhaps in defiance, and sometimes it actually works.
Glad to hear of your New Year plans, it will be good to meet new people and the dissertation will be good for concentrating on something else. I am planning a long walk on Boxing Day, showing my son some of the delights of the north Kent marshes. Will be thinking of of you on Christmas Day, I expect there will be quite a few people on site on the day.
You take care of your self.