My dad aged 82 died a couple of weeks ago. He died of cancer and in his last few months was bed bound at home and had care provided from 2 lovely carers, the district nurses and my mum. Unfortunately he really suffered both mentally and physically and was given days or short weeks to live over 2 months before he died.
It felt like we were all stuck in a nightmare that wasnt ending and i was willing him to die to end his and our suffering (although i felt guilty thinking this sometimes)
He became a shadow of himself - he was like a skeleton at the end but luckily still knew us and could understand us when we were talking to him.
So i thought i would be relieved when he died and totally wasnt expecting the level of grief and pain i have felt since. I have told myself that is is normal for people to die in their 80s, i am lucky to have had him for so long and it is the natural order of things. I also have friends that have had to deal with far greater losses - partners/children.
However despite this, i have been devastated and until the last few days have found it hard to do normal tasks.
Im struggling to see the point in doing anything that i enjoyed doing before, and feel silly saying this out loud.
Luckily my mum is coping absolutely fine, and although I’m very glad shes not fallen to pieces, her bright and breezy attitude is hard to bear.
I know it gets better as everyone says it does and it has done a little bit, but i cant imagine living my life like i did before and being happy again
Loss of a loved one, even when the end is expected, is brutal. No matter how prepared you may have felt. I suspect it was the awful ‘end of life’ situation that you wanted to be over. Now you’re grieving for the loss of your Dad so it’s bound to be difficult. There’s no hierarchy for how much grief you feel relative to the relationship you’ve had. Everyone has their own grief journey and it’s different each time. Take each day as it comes, with no expectations on how you should behave. Accept that these are difficult times and give yourself grace.
so sorry for the loss of your Dad i so understand how you are feeling i lost my Husband to cancer Oct last year we knew he only had about 6 months left but when he passed away it felt like my world had fallen apart and i still cry alot and miss him so much
I never forget an old boyfriend telling me, “Nothing prepares you.”
He was right … it is so true.
Coz87, I know exactly what you mean. My mom died over 2 weeks ago and although it was expected, ever since it happened the feelings of loss and devastation are almost unbearable. I lived with my mom for over 90 years so I have an ocean of memories which can be heartbreaking because they just remind me she is not here any more. The only good thing is that she doesn’t have to bear the pain anymore or the indignity of being changed which gave her very little quality of life. She couldn’t even be taken out of the house anymore as her mobility was zero. But at least you still have your mom who, no doubt, you will treasure even more now your dad is gone and you will provide support for.
Hi, my mum died just over a year ago aged 88 and she was bed bound in her last months. I know she lived a long life, and she is out of any suffering, but a part of me still misses her terribly and I think a part of me always will. Take care all, Mike
Hi Coz87,
Im sorry that the end of life for your Dad was so difficult. I can relate as my mum died on Boxing Day aged 85.
What Im zoning in on is the fact that Ive had expectations and assumptions about how Id feel at any particular time, relating to losing her. A few days before Mothers Day I bought a card for her and wrote it then felt soothed a little. I assumed Id feel reasonably ok, onthe day (because of that) and I really didnt! Ive also thought Id deal with sorting out her clothes, better as itd been fairly ok doing some of it previously. Those had been the back of the wardrobe ones, that were her lesdt favourite/quality etc and also settung aside best ones. The last lot were her everyday ines, favourite cardiganstoos, trousers. It felt harder looking at those abd I ended up sobbing into them.
Making the best decision to put her in a nursing home and consenting to the Midazolam at the end, hastening her passing, I believed that it wouldnt be as painful?
Its difficult going with unpredictables, but Im finding that it seems ti have added an extra layer of pain that Id not expected to feel something so hard!
Its difficult anyway and fir all of us but thought Id share my iwn musings…
Mazza x