Three months and I have fallen back to square one

Hi Louise,
Yes, that is difficult too, closing accounts and changing contact details etc. I am quite practical, as was my wife, so I made it my mission to deal with it all as business like as I could, exactly as she would have done. It is very tough though and almost feels like small parts of them are being deleted bit by bit.
Take care

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Take care yourself too. I am here if ever you want to ‘chat’. It sounds as if our journey started about the same time. Mine started on 12th July. Sometimes it feels like a very long time ago, a different life ago, and other times like yesterday.

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@DWJ @Louise1951 I’m 9 months on Saturday, the early days are hard and there are still moments now that are very difficult but in a different way.

Being on this site, you get to meet others in the same situation and you get to realise that everything you’re feeling is normal.

Grief goes from constant and raw, to constant and dull. Then it goes to waves of pain with space in-between, then lots of space with the odd bit of grief in between. Then it goes to just getting on with everyday and realises that life very much goes on but has changed and then you just have to get on with everyday the same.

Quite a lot of people call it groundhog Day lol. I have a life now that is worth living and I have made a lot of friends on this site going through the same as me. It’s reassuring to have people you can help and friends you can reach out to who understand.

Here there are people at the same stage, ahead of you and coming up behind you and it’s nice to give support to everyone and help some just starting the journey.

This site is great so reach out when you need or ask a question, there always someone who can help and offer advice and support.

Best wishes

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@DWJ Hello and welcome to here, not where any of us really expected to be but it’s a place that a lot of us find a lifeline in this shitshow. So sorry to hear of the passing of your wife, there’s not a lot I can say that will help ease the pain of that. In fact tbh there’s literally nothing I can say that will help with that at all. I’m 11 months down the line now and as @Ali29 sums up so well the grief will eventually recede to sadness and loss. And the sadness and loss remains but life comes back and grows around them. It does get easier, different but easier.

For me I’ve reached a point where life is relatively stable and my emotions no longer overwhelm me. I’m not over it, or healed by time, or any of the other platitudes and cliches that so abound. But I am able to look at life now and start to plan for my future, my life. Which a few months ago I would have laughed at if you’d told me.

In all of this I’ve learned that they never really leave you, I just had to work out a way of allowing her in and accepting this new form that my wife has taken.

This site was a catalyst for me, I’ve found so much empathy, support and understanding on here, I hope you can too. Keep on keeping on! Take care

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Thank you, @Walan
I spoke briefly with a bereavement counsellor a few months ago. Although it wasn’t particularly helpful to be honest, she did make an analogy similar to yours. She said to imagine how a physical wound heals itself. If someone has a surgical procedure where an incision is made then a hole is left in the body. The skin that was there before doesn’t return but scar tissue and new skin is generated and eventually closes over the original wound. Maybe not the prettiest image but one that struck me as being quite accurate :confused:

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@DWJ I think she might want to work on that a bit. I’m not entirely convinced that graphically illustrating surgical procedure is best policy in counselling the recently bereaved :face_with_peeking_eye: :joy:But as you say accurate, it just takes time and a lot of effort, a willingness to keep getting back up and facing the grief as it comes towards you. I’ve had many set backs, often lost my way, tried different approaches until I found what worked and allowed me to accept things a little at a time. It’s slow and very few shortcuts, but finding what helps you through this is half the battle.

Not sure of your situation but I found going out walking helped me enormously. At first I could only manage a short walk around where I live, I just felt so vulnerable. As time went on and I managed to go further I realized that it was providing a way of allowing me to think of my wife and reflect and process without the triggers I encountered at home. Each walk made things just a little bit more bearable, I was at least doing something, taking some form of positive action for myself, addressing my wellbeing. Looking after myself was high on the list of what my wife wanted, working out how to do that has helped keep her with me.

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HI @Walan
Yes, I agree, her entire approach was a bit strange and not really what I expected from a bereavement counsellor - I haven’t used her services again.
I understand your point about walking. I have been a keen cyclist for as long as I can remember, so that is my escape from a lot of things. My wife always used to say that I got grumpy if I missed more than a few days out on my bike - she was right :roll_eyes: Exercise and solitude are a wonderful tonic, I find. It can provide a great release for pent up energy and anxiety. Exercise also releases ‘feel good’ endorphins in your body which is no bad thing, especially when so many other things in life are definitely not ‘feel good’.

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