Three months and I have fallen back to square one

Paul died on 12th July. I have done what everyone advised. I have taken it a day at a time. I have seen friends; made efforts to get out and start creating a new life. I have sorted out the admin and am comfortably off. Tomorrow I travel back to his home town to see one of his old friends for his birthday on Tuesday. I have been through photographs to take some with me to share with her.

I have sobbed off and on all day. I miss him more today than since the day of his funeral. I just can’t pull myself together. Looking at the photographs hit me so hard, looking at how he was; how we were and it is all gone. They say it is better to have loved and lost. Not true. I had such love, such companionship, such friendship. It is all gone and I just don’t know if I can live without that. Remembering how it was is no comfort. It is painful. Horribly painful.


@Louise1951 - firstly, I am so sorry that Paul has died. I know only too well how hard it is to lose the love of our life. It is less than 3 months since Paul died - so you are still in the eye of the storm. Where you are is hard - so forget the mantras like “it is better to have loved and lost”. You are grieving, hurt, lost bewildered, holding on to sanity by your finger-tips. So, my friend, this is how it is just now. Hard. Losing that sense of connection with someone, losing the conversation, the running ease of knowing someone who knows us so well.

I know what this fracture feels like, all of us here know, understand and send our love and support to you. You and Paul had that love, and have that love.

I believe true love outstrips death and that there is no end to it. My experience is that Tom, my late husband, although gone from sight remains close to me in love and my heart. I love him now, and he loves me - not loved - but love, present tense. Think of your love like this, my friend and like me, think, treasure, lean in to the fact that we had/have that love.

Your friends here understand, and care about you. Hold tight to the love you shared and that still holds you. We are with you, and you with us. Keep going, keep posting, hold on - I promise you, it gets easier and the love remains x


Vancouver. I want his comfort, his arms around me. I want to weep onto his chest. I want to hear his heart beat, feel his breath on my head. I am nothing here alone. He begged me to be strong. Today I am letting him down so badly. I ache for him that it hurts my chest, my jaw and my head. I just don’t want to be here without him.


@Louise1951 , hi I felt or should I say still feel the same ,it’s over two years since my husband died, and I still ache and want him so much ,I want my happy life back the only life I knew , from us both being 16 year old , he was 59 when he died, my love for him is still so strong and I know he still loves me . We will be together again one day , I have to believe that . I found a way to get through each day ,I know it seems as if you never will when the love of your life dies , but we do .sending a hug xtake carex


Wow. You’ve just written exactly how I feel. I too am getting worse. June 24th my husband of 30 years died suddenly and instantly in violent motorbike accident. I too take day by day, sometimes hour by hour, but this last week or so am worse than ever and cannot comprehend any life without him in it. I don’t want a life without him and I cannot ever see this changing. I don’t ever think il feel any happiness again quite frankly. I feel my soul died with him that day and I’m just a shell of myself existing.


I want to believe that one day I will smile at memories and find some way to have a different happiness - but I just don’t believe that possible. As you say, my soul died when I lost him.


It doesn’t seem to matter how long we all have ups and downs. We just have to ride the waves.


So sorry @Louise1951 and every one suffering this pain.
I became a completely different person when my wonderful husband left me nine months ago. I exist not live, I have no love, peace, joy or happiness. I keep him so close, talking to him, remembering all his little phrases and our love. I feel him with me and cling to the hope we will be together again.
Keep strong. Sending hugs.


@Louise1951 - I completely understand when you say your soul died with him. I felt exactly the same way - Tom and me, in sync, until he drew his last breath and we were parted. I even posted here about my “death” with his. My friend, I am nearly 21 months on from that horror and, slowly, but surely, I have found a new way of life, and that different happiness to which you refer. Others here, further on in grief, say the same. So, there is hope, my friend - we all just need to keep walking towards those we have lost and try to find that different happiness when and where we can xx


Im sure we will be with our loved ones once again soon, i do not doubt


Thank you, John, I pray for all of us that we will meet our loved ones again.


Thank you, I pray too for us all.


I’ve travelled up on the train to his home town to visit on his birthday tomorrow. I can’t move from the station platform. This is the first time in the three months I have wept in public. When I got off the train his northern Geordie accent just hit me and I am a wreck. Fortunately no-one in these crowds pays any attention to a woman weeping quietly.


Geordies are like that. Or they will come up and hug you. Wonderful people. I am having a teary day today as just heard that the ground conditions are finally right for my husbands ashes to be interred. His funeral was end of June. Plus been doing more sorting out of his stuff.


All thinking of you. He wants you strong.
My beautiful wifes birthday saturday, im making a party lunch and afternoon tea for all our family coming, 14 of us, would normally be 15.
It gives me somthing to do for her and make her proud but again its so so hard.
We are all in this boat together, stay hanging inside with us.


You are trying too hard ! Looking at photos took me many months . Now 4 years on they are a comfort to have around the house . Took me ages to read the sympathy cards, look at pics, visit places we shared .
Take time please and don’t expect too much :pray::pray::two_hearts:


I completely understand

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Am going through the same I’m mark and lost my soulmate and my rock of 20 years to cancer on
the 13 August 9 weeks ago! I can’t get my head around the fact he’s gone x


I’m a newcomer on here. Having lost my wife of over 30 years at the end of July to secondary breast cancer, I have just hit the 3 month milestone. I felt as if I was coping “well” so far. I think this was my practical side taking over and dealing with all the numerous unpleasant admin tasks that need to be done. I have just finished the last of the financial and legal requirements and no longer have this to focus my attention. Also, it would have been our 31st anniversary next week and I am struggling with the idea of not being married any more. I filled a form in yesterday and had to select “widowed” as opposed to “married” for the first time. It completely blind-sided me. The single hardest thing is that the very person who could help me through it is the very reason I am grieving.


I hope it helps knowing there are others who feel like yourself. This is such a difficult journey.

Three months since I lost Paul and last week my elderly mother died, so I have been going through the motions with the same funeral director/registrar/ admin etc. My mother’s death was expected. She was 97 and wanted to go so I find myself not so much grieving her but going back to those very early days of grieving him again.

I have come abroad for two weeks just to get away from it all. Last night I had my first unbroken sleep since July. The sheer exhaustion doesn’t help either. I’m praying this might be the beginning of my body, at least, trying to get back to a kind of normal. I will need to get through all those anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas before the mental shocks of widowhood perhaps stop battering me. Yes, listing yourself as ‘widow’ for the first time is one, as is the constant gnaw of betrayal every time his name is taken off an account or I unsubscribe to some organisation that regularly sends him post.

Mentally we need to hold hands to help each other through.