Today is one of those days, a Facebook memory popped up from 7 years ago. I was excited about going to see our newly refurbished apartment in Spain, our little piece of Spanish paradise where we were going to retire to. My Derek got his Spanish residency in 2018 he’d taken early retirement & I was to follow suit in 2020. Sadly he passed away at the end of 2019 & today I’m reminded of how my life ended on that day too. Our plans already in place shattered, our future dreams would not be fulfilled, our Spanish life would not be lived. We had sold our family home here to fund our Spanish dream, thankfully we also had a small flat which my Mum had lived in, which is where I live now. I kept the apartment in Spain as somewhere I can escape to, I didn’t know how I would feel going back without him but I felt him & felt at peace when I went back although it was hard. Quite often he’d go before me as he’d retired & get everything ready & the feeling of getting off the bus & him not being there to meet me & hug me nearly made me turn around & go home. I still get that feeling now every time I arrive but the overwhelming feeling is he’s there with me. We only moved into our flat at home 2 months before he passed away so I don’t feel him here, we hadn’t even got a bed at that point so he’s never slept in this bed. I sometimes find myself sleeping on the sofa bed because that’s where we slept. I know today will be a bad day so I hide myself from the world, some days you can’t pretend. Had to tell my Mum this morning I had a cold as I’m bunged up from crying, she’s not well has dementia so I don’t want to burden her. Anyway thank you for letting me ramble & sending love to everyone having one of those days. The only grain of comfort I can offer is these days where you can’t hide your grief get fewer as time goes on. You never move on, don’t care what anyone else says, you learn to move forward & live a different life because you have to, we have no choice.
Take care 
xx
Hi @Jodel712 thank you for posting this. I’m so sorry that your dreams of moving to Spain with Derek were cruelly shattered. I think you are so brave for keeping your place in Spain and going there on your own. An inspiration. As you say, you don’t move on you move forward, something I’m struggling with at the moment. It’s just twelve months since my lovely husband died and I don’t think I’ve even accepted that he’s actually gone. Every day is like ground hog day. I just can’t see how it or I will get better. I spend a lot of time on my own which I don’t think helps. I am also waiting for counselling. Hopefully things will improve so I’ll just have to hang on in there. Take care.X
@Jodel712
Thank you for posting and putting it all so clearly about the fact that we don’t exactly move on but move forwards with the grief alongside us.
I hope you will enjoy some times in Spain. As @Loobyloo2 said, I too think you are very brave. Ten months on and going away without my husband is still a hurdle I can’t face yet.
Hugs
Karen xxx