Time warp

Losing a child
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I have resisted poting for a while, not because I didn’t feel the need for support but because sometimes the words are so difficult to find. All we have on here are wpords of despair, hope and encouragement and yet sometimes, it feels there needs to be more, at least that is how feel.

My son, Andrew, died in August last year, an absolute tragedy and possibly preventable had the hospital bothered to communicate with each other and care in the way one would expect. Now they continue with their daily routine and I am left to pick up the pieces and carry on.

As a mother, when a child dies, part of us dies too. How does one come to terms with that, especially when it probably need not have happened?

I can use words to try and explain, but the pictures and the memories of those last few days defy any words and instead, they go round and round in my head. There is no respite even in sleep as dreams are filled with loss and endless searching for my son.

Every weekend since Andrew’s death, I have relived the Saturday when he became ill and the Sunday when he was admitted to hospital and died. If anyone mentions a time, I can recall exactly what was happening and it goes on and on and on.

As a Christian, I know there is a God and I believe there is life after death and yet, at least for now, I cannot accept that I wll never speak with Andrew again, never share his hopes and dreams or see his wonderful plans come to fruition.

I have always loved both my sons equally and with an unconditional love, and now it seems that wasn’t enough. I question could I have done more? I endlessly ask what if and if only… but the answers never come.

I feel I now have a double life, the one when I am with family and friends and the one when I come home to be alone again.

I don’t expect anyone to understand or try and say the right thing, because to be honest, just now, nothing seems right. I just needed to write what I am feeling right now in the hope that perhaps, maybe, just maybe, it will give some little comfort to get me through another night.

6 Likes
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Hi - I feel your deep pain and sorrow and no I have no words to offer you but I do I believe some of what you are experiencing but that does not really help. You are in my thoughts tonight xxxx

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I meant understand not believe xxx

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Thank you Jenna. I appreciate your thoughts and send you my best wishes.

To be on this sire, you too must have your own story to tell. I hope you have found some peace and acceptance in your situation . x

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Hi - yes, I lost my middle son in September 2021 and in December 2021my youngest son died. I am in desolation much of the time and life without them hurts. Xxxx

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Beth123 I lost my beautiful daughter 12 days ago. I totally resonate with everything you are saying. It was sudden, feel very angry at the NHS and reply over and over again questions I should have asked, insisted on. I keep repeating over and over the images in my head. I was there when she passed away. She was 10 weeks pregnant. Has left two beautiful grandchildren . I can’t get those last few days out my head. My heart is broken in a million pieces. Keep thinking about the amazing future she should have been having.

I get the double life, the one with family and friends and when I am on my own. Just struggle to speak to anyone , I know mine is very raw and recent. I just feel like right now I am surviving each minute, hour and day. Its horrendous and as you said nothing seems right. I have two other daughters that right now are in denial. It’s just so difficult navigating my way out of this heartbreaking situation.

Just do you, whichever way that is and know that there is a lot of love and support around you and in this group x

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Mackay, I am truly sorry for your awful loss and, though grief and loss are personal and very subjective, I do honestly understand how you feel.

The anger, the disbelief, the unfairness, the loss, the sadness that our child’s dreams and plans can never be realised, the whole process, seems unfathomable and in reality, it actually is. Nothing makes sense and I describe it as being in a washing machine and there is no stop button to help reset the programme … we seem to go round and round in endless circles.

May I just say, it is never too late to ask questions to which you need answers. You have 12 months to make your initial complaint to the NHS and after that, the response may take time, but the complaint has started and will continue. This may give you some answers.
I am currently waiting for the NHS response to my reply to their initial response to my complaint and it has gone on for more than 7 months and it will continue as long as it takes. Sudden death can be considered a trauma and our bodies need time to overcome and process this.

A loving Mum can never easily accept the death of their child or ever realisticly feel our life can ever be quite the same again.

Perhaps for now, don’t try too hard to navigate your way out of the heartbreaking situation. Allow time to grieve in your own way, allow time to reflect and remember the things that made your relationship so special. Walking with your own thoughts in uncluttered spaces can be helpful at least for a short time.

Like you, those images of the last few days go round and round with worrying regularity. If someone mentions time on either a Saturday or Sunday, I can recall exactly what was happening, so I do understand.

You might, in time, want to contact the group (The Compassionate Friends - TCF) they run local groups aimed solely at bereaved parents and siblings.

Please feel you can keep in touch and I will do my best to keep understanding and sharing this agonising situation.

I offer you a big hug to help you through your day. x

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Dear Beth123, Have you tried getting in touch with https://www.tcf.org.uk/ ? Maybe they can help you in your sorrow ? Pipsi

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Thank you Pipsi

Yes, I have tried that, but didn’t find much support either over the phone or at one of the group meetings. I am sure there will be others who feel this to be a really support organisation and I would not discourage others from trying it.

Thank you anyway. I hope your days are gradually getting a little easier. x