I have resisted poting for a while, not because I didn’t feel the need for support but because sometimes the words are so difficult to find. All we have on here are wpords of despair, hope and encouragement and yet sometimes, it feels there needs to be more, at least that is how feel.
My son, Andrew, died in August last year, an absolute tragedy and possibly preventable had the hospital bothered to communicate with each other and care in the way one would expect. Now they continue with their daily routine and I am left to pick up the pieces and carry on.
As a mother, when a child dies, part of us dies too. How does one come to terms with that, especially when it probably need not have happened?
I can use words to try and explain, but the pictures and the memories of those last few days defy any words and instead, they go round and round in my head. There is no respite even in sleep as dreams are filled with loss and endless searching for my son.
Every weekend since Andrew’s death, I have relived the Saturday when he became ill and the Sunday when he was admitted to hospital and died. If anyone mentions a time, I can recall exactly what was happening and it goes on and on and on.
As a Christian, I know there is a God and I believe there is life after death and yet, at least for now, I cannot accept that I wll never speak with Andrew again, never share his hopes and dreams or see his wonderful plans come to fruition.
I have always loved both my sons equally and with an unconditional love, and now it seems that wasn’t enough. I question could I have done more? I endlessly ask what if and if only… but the answers never come.
I feel I now have a double life, the one when I am with family and friends and the one when I come home to be alone again.
I don’t expect anyone to understand or try and say the right thing, because to be honest, just now, nothing seems right. I just needed to write what I am feeling right now in the hope that perhaps, maybe, just maybe, it will give some little comfort to get me through another night.