I think what you learn to do with time is hide your true feelings. After 2 years I’ve become good at that, the first year you’re expected to be sad & people understand. But after that the expectation is you should be feeling better or is that our own expectation? Are we thinking it should be getting better & that we’re doing something wrong & therefore we stop sharing? I have the same feelings about just wanting Derek to come & get me. At 57, I could still have as many years without him as with him & that just seems unbearable. I wouldn’t help myself along the way but I wouldn’t be bothered if I got ill, isn’t that an awful thing to say. A good friend of mine has terminal cancer & I’d swap with her in a heartbeat if I could. All these emotions wear you down don’t they. Sending love & strength for all our broken hearts 
x
Hindi think what you say is so right I’m sorry that you lost your loved one so young I am 66 and feel I lost him far two young I feel the same if I could go and be with him I would even though I would not want to give my family pain yet they need time to grieve for there dad it is a very hard cruel world we have to live in I would just like to go as I don’t feel strong enough to carry on alone it does help to write rubbish down shame that there is no face to face meet ups we would feel comfortable as we are all same boat take care xxx
I know exactly what you mean. June my wife of 44 years suffered from MS and cancer. June beat the cancer not her MS but her heart gave up and she passed in front of me suddenly. June fought everything she had valiantly and without complaint. My feelings are that if I was diagnosed with a life threatening disease I would decline treatment. Sorry to be negative but it’s how I feel. Tony x
Dear Tony
No need to apologise. Its how many of us think - I know I do.
I feel exactly the same cancer come get me or anything else . Don’t want this life without my husband I’m 59 and don’t want a future without him . I would refuse any treatment as well x
I feel the same would not have treatment either and would definitely not go in hospital if my husband had not he would be home with me hope you sleep all cx
So sorry for your loss. I agree with you I wouldn’t go in hospital either I really think Chris would have had a bit longer if he hadn’t gone in to hospital . Hope you get some sleep x
Thank you and you xx
Reading this I feel exactly the same about GP’s & hospitals. Derek was seriously anaemic, that’s what he was being treated for & his GP said a blood transfusion could help. It was a non emergency so waited patiently for an ambulance (7hours) & then 4 hours in A& E, by the time he was triaged I could tell there was something very wrong. The upshot his kidneys had failed completely, nothing they could do, died 4 days later. They seemed shocked, it was just before Christmas 2019 & I’m still convinced he’d caught Covid. He’d never had any breathing problems & he had to be put on oxygen. I know this sounds awful but when clap for the NHS started a few months later, I refused to do it, I just wanted to scream. He was completely let down & I blame myself for not being more insistent but deep down I know it wasn’t my fault, I’m not a doctor. 2 years on I’m still haunted by that first day/night when our world came crashing down Sending love x
I so sorry yo hear that your loved one was let done badly by nhs some thing that we can never get over and it’s there fault that they are not by our sides blame myself also even though family tell me I could not have changed any thing I not sure we will
Not ever get over losing our other halves will
Have to live with my anger and regrets it’s a tough journey we on future nit as we planned is it take care xxx
There’s no need apologies I would do exactly the same lv annie x
So sorry for your loss . We put our trust in GP and Hospitals to look after our precious partners and they seem to just let us down . Sending hugs x
This is so beautiful and true. I lost the love of my life 2 1/2 years ago and still think of him all the time. Time doesn’t heal just have to take one minute one hour and one day at a time.
Love and pray for all of you
What a beautiful poem Ann. You reflect the feelings of many of us I’m sure. Jeanette.
I lost my husband when I was 59 as well. I’ll be 61 next month and just can’t bare the thought of another 20 odd years on my own.
That scares me I’m 59 my husband died last September been together since 16 and married 39 years don’t want to live this life without him . Can’t imagine growing older without him . It’s so hard . Sending hugs to you and so sorry for your loss x
That’s what scares me too, I can’t imagine it & deep down I don’t want 20 years or so without him. I was 55 & Derek 59 when he died, I’m 57 now. My mum’s 82 & I think god that’s another 25years!! I try not to think about it because currently that seems unbearable
Take care xx
Thinking 20 years or more is like a life time really don’t want to go on without my husband I’m sure we all feel the samex sorry for your loss sending hugs x
So sorry for all on here I don’t want to live till I am very old it is hell with out our loved one to grow old together so unfair hope you can all sleep tonight I hate going to bed xxx
You have put down exactly my life now. The only difference is the time, 9 months for me.
Can I steal it?