Any ideas for suitable things to do on your own?
Spose can just think of classes, swimming, walking, driving, line dancing, cycling, gardening, reading, painting, church, knitting, volunteering but all a bit uninspiring when tried all and want a change
It’s only three weeks tomorrow since I lost my partner completely out of the blue. I’m 38 so very aware of the fact I could have a long time left and I have to try and do things. This time of year we would be planting seeds in our veg beds in the garden or starting seeds off in the house, this last week the sun has been shining and it would have been the perfect time to get out in the garden and start. We walked a lot, we are fortunate to have some lovely river walks nearby and we would have been going for walks after work enjoying the sun and change in the weather. We led quite a simple life, we’d go to the pictures, a meal and a few drinks on the weekend, we’d go away when possible. We were planning on going on a cruise in September because we’d never been on one before. I honestly can’t imagine doing any of that alone. Even the gardening, it was something that never really interested me until we started doing it together then it became a bit of a competition who could grow the best 
I don’t seem to have any interest in anything right now but it scares me to think that I’ll always feel like this because I am so young. My OH was always so full of life, he always had to do something and his energy rubbed off on me. Together I wanted to enjoy life but alone no. I hope I don’t feel like this forever and I know he wouldn’t want me too. When his dad died his mam was like this for a long long time and it broke him to see her like that 
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Hi,
Well it depends on what you like doing and whether you want to do it alone. You could join a walking group, so not alone or volunteer at a farm or gardening place or offer to listen to readers at school. Or volunteer in a school to do a gardening club. Something you might enjoy doing but you don’t want be alone. Just an idea.
I got a puppy, she keeps me busy and we can walk together. Have made some wonderful friends in the past while out dog walking !
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Sorry my reply didn’t really answer your question, just me feeling sorry for myself again 
Do you have any children or grandchildren or maybe a dog to encourage you to get out there maybe?
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You can be forgiven for feeling crap! You’ve lost a lot and it’s painful! It’s also the process and the only way is to walk through it. Best wishes Ali
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@LostLil Your post is helpful. There are things we did before and we will need to do again but we can only do them when something makes us ready to do them. I couldn’t touch my garden from July when Di became ill until February. One day I walked past, the sun was out but it was a mess. I felt so sad as Di would not have wanted that. In that moment I was ready to restart, albeit slowly. At the moment I am not ready to rejoin my German class but I hope to next term if it feels right. I think for @Enorac you will need to feel ready whatever it is you choose eventually and it may be one small thing that you weren’t expecting that will decide it for you. xx
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What you said about seeing the garden in a mess making you feel sad hits a nerve because he was always so proud of our garden. He worked so hard on our house and garden and we were so happy with it. The house is nothing special, it’s a two bed terrace but we have a decent size garden and we loved it. It was home. We couldn’t even sit out the garden when we first moved in but when it was finished we absolutely loved it. I couldn’t bare to see it becoming a mess now because he always took so much pride in it 
I just wish he was here to do it with me. Every day I tell myself ok you have to try and do something today but I just sit about thinking
about everything over and over again. The cremation is not for another two and a half weeks but I think I’m going to try going back to work a few days after it. It would have been nearly six weeks by then, I don’t know if I’ll be ready but I feel like I need something to MAKE me get out of bed before midday, I’m still in bed now but we have an appointment at 3pm to register his death so I will drag myself out soon. It’s just so hard finding anything that motivates me to get up tbh
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@LostLil It is so early for you. My wife died in October so it was 4 months before I was ready. You have more important things first. There will be a day you will walk out and take the first small steps. Love and hugs xx
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Thank you for all the replies and I am not the only one moping around. I sat in the garden now as it is sunny. Yes I did it with the help of my two sons after my husband died in November 22. I am proud of it and have seeds growing and plants to put in but I don’t have confidence to do what I used to do alone. Yes a dog is good. Used to borrow a dog years ago. Cat sitting on me. She keeps getting under my feet and feel bad get irritable with her but she has always been naughty but yes glad got her.
She shares bit my dinner now along with her food.
I keep having ideas then getting a panic attack. I did move a bit of furniture and he hated that but I can now.
I am upset over things I can’t sort out as my mind goes bla. He used to do it. Yes I know make list etc. I do. Then get all upset when I can’t do things or get very confused. I can’t see small print for instance and having disabilities makes things tougher but lots people manage. I am very slow. I do help with church by sending cards to all the kids and making sure the flower pots outside look ok.
But I used to go out with my husband even though he was poorly. I did walk round a local lake so try. I get ready sometimes and then can’t face being on my own. I think ideas are great to Inspire each other.
The grandsons do come over and sleep over. But I am very sad thinking how we used to sit together having our pic nic when we went out. Yes I went with my son occasionally since. I feel I am a wimp really and then I will get told off for putting myself down. But it doesn’t stop the feelings. Even if silly.
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@LostLil its so very early days for you, i lost my Bri very suddenly and unexpectedly in oct 2022 at age 47, and i thought that was young. My heart breaks for you. I just rememver those early days a complete blur, not eating or sleeping and work was, and is still is a million miles away from being ready to go back to. But if you think it might help then great.
@Enorac i like all your ideas of things to do. Im struggling to motivate myself to do anything really but ive signed up for a run and ive took on a rescue dog who is a great help. Love that the sun is shining, im hopingvto get on with a garden project. Me and Bri used to love sitting out in the garden after work having a little wine or beer to destress. Itt breaks my heart that ill never do that with him again xx
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We are going down to see him tomorrow I’m terrified and I don’t want to remember him in a coffin but I’m also terrified that I’ll regret it if I don’t. I desperately want to speak to him and touch him again but not like this I’m going to write him a letter tonight so I can put it in with him. I was driving home from his mams earlier after we’d been and sorted the final bits for the cremation and I’d sorted his clothes out for the funeral directors and I couldn’t hold back the tears so I finally had a scream, quite a few actually. It was actually quite nice to be able to scream alone knowing nobody could hear me, that’s definitely something that’s going to become a regular thing I think. I think it helped a little too x
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Yes years ago we used to drink wine too but we both had to stop it years ago because always on pills from the surgery. I had some Bailey’s last year and used to just put a cap full of it in a trifle although not supposed to but got to have a bit pleasure. I admire anyone signing up for a run. I would rather get on a horse myself. My daughter in law ran in the London Marathon but she is only in her early forties.
I have been taking moss out of the lawn. Mindless activity but somehow so easy can’t do much wrong. I can hear him saying I shouldn’t do it as he sprayed it but I never took any notice. Miss him saying it now. Keep pottering in and out. So much better when it is nice out.
I think if he had survived he would have been trying to pull weeds out. I just used hoe. He would have said I won’t get any poppies. Well maybe he is right. Do I care hugely? Probably will miss nice ones.
I have just had a lady from carer’s centre listening to me. She said now some carers going on a cruise for a break with a friend.
So run down with caring all their retirement and if have to put cared for person in a home will have to pay if anything over and above threshold. I can see how it wears carers down even if wanted to do it. Expect we all wish we had the chance to care for our loved ones. As on your own feels worse.
But keep thinking how it would have been. Would have tried. As saying goes always greener on the other side. Life is just a mixture of all sorts. Waiting for a silver lining
Bless you, it’s not easy but hopefully you’ll be glad you did it. You’ve had quite a few days of it. It takes it’s toll. Well done for getting the scream out. I always feel better for it.
I’ve had a few nice days, meeting my partners family and our friends, and my work friends today. Doesn’t stop the tears but it’s definitely good to get out. It’s not all consuming at the moment so I will take that while it’s there. I’m sure this calm is before a storm but I hope not.
I miss my man so much , it eats away at me all the time but grateful for a few days restbite .
Hope it goes ok tomorrow x
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I went to see my husband in his coffin on my own. He looked very peaceful.
I put a poem I wrote and a prayer and a red rose. I am glad I did go. No one else wanted to but I always do like when others have passed. I needed to say goodbye.
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I have been going over and over whether or not I should go, mainly because I never got to say goodbye but I am terrified it will be a negative experience and that will be my lasting memory of him. What has made you decide?
Some have said it didn’t look like their loved one and I’m not sure I could handle that
Also he passed on the 2nd March and funeral not until 20th April and he’s not yet at the undertaker’s so because it will have been a while since he passed I’m scared he won’t look right
I felt exactly the same as you, I’m terrified of how he is going to look It’s three weeks tomorrow since he passed so it’s been a while for me but obviously not as long as you. I don’t know why I changed my mind. In the beginning I really wanted to see him, then I changed my mind and felt at peace not seeing him then I had this strong urge that I knew I needed to see him again. I honestly don’t know why because I know he’s not there but it’s something I need to do. I just need to talk to him and give him a final kiss goodbye. It’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I broke down in the funeral directors when they told me we could see him tomorrow, I said I need to see him but I’m scared to see him at the same time and his mam said “oh it’s ok, he wouldn’t hurt you” I sat there internally screaming “OF COURSE I KNOW HE WOULDN’T BLOODY HURT ME!!”
My fear is him not looking peaceful and having to remember him lying in a coffin 
I don’t want to remember my baby lying in a coffin!! It’s breaking me tbh. I’ve cried a river today.
It’s a personal choice and only you can decide. I don’t know if I’m making the right choice but I think I’m more likely to regret not going than going. Seeing as it’s been so long for you already it’s probably something you need to decide sooner rather than later xx
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I’m going to write him a letter, I didn’t think about a rose but I’m actually going to the florist tomorrow with his mam to take the brochure back and order the flowers for the top of his coffin so I’ll definitely get a rose to put in with the letter. There’s so much I need to say to him but I just can’t seem to put into words
No you won’t. I’m one week further on to you and although I’m 76, like you, i want to try and do things. I was married for 59 years so I barely remember not being married. And now for the first time in my life I’m on my own. I’m a passionate gardener, and I have my husbands little dog and 2 cats to look after to help keep me on track. What am I going to do next? I’m not sure yet, but I’ll look at all possibilities. I’m beginning to venture out a little more, and little by little I’m determined to build it up and live as full a life as I can, after all, like you, I’m still breathing. We’ll find encouragement and support on this site I’m sure.
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I did manage to go for a little walk today, I’d come home and thought well I’m up and dressed anyway and it’s a nice day so I just went around the village really, fifteen minutes but it was more than I’ve done since he passed. I felt really lost without him, stupid really because I wouldn’t have thought twice about going for a walk or down to the village alone when he was alive but I felt so incredibly lost and lonely today. A word without him just doesn’t feel right to me. Before even if he wasn’t with me he was here if that makes sense
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I have been reading about people’s experiences most of this evening and I have now decided I’m not going. I only wanted to go in the first place because I didn’t get to say goodbye from when the ambulance arrived at home up until he passed.
I don’t want to see him in a coffin and that memory I know deep down would always haunt me. It was his birthday 3 days prior to his sudden passing and we went out for a lovely meal and both smiling and laughing and that is the last memory I want of him. I want to move past the end of his life to remembering is actual life when he was my partner and not a dead body. You are right though it is a very personal decision and if you think you would regret not going then it is better not to live with regret. Will be thinking of you and let me know how it went x
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