Hi Everyone, hope you’re all well, its been a while since ive written anything here but i think theres no better place to ask for this advice.
I lost my partner last March, to suicide when our girl was 8 months old. She’s a little over 2 now and she’s pretty verbally advanced for her age. The time coming where she asks me about what happened to her Mum has always been at the back of my mind but it seems to be getting closer and it terrifies me. We talk about her Mum every day and she kisses her photo good night every night, but we’ve already had a few situations where shes gotten upset about her Mum, asking where did she go and getting quite frustrated. Ive always had the plan to be fully honest and transparent so as not to confuse her, I know kids that young dont understand the concept of heaven and “going someplace else” so ive explained that Mummy’s heart stopped beating, she went to sleep and she didnt wake up, but that its noones fault and Mum loves her very much but it only seems to cause more frustration and upset. Her childcare teachers have also commented on her either isolating herself and becoming quiet or else throwing tantrums when Mums come to do pick ups for other kids.
I’m just worried about how to navigate this now and also in the future, so that she always knows regardless of how her Mum passed away, she loved her deeply and that this isnt her or anyone elses fault. I assume when she reaches her teen years and understands death, theres going to be trauma and questions, that I’ll hopefully be able to deal with but I just want to protect her and try my best to sheild her from the worst of it all. Any parent advice would mean a lot
Always be honest and always use words that won’t confuse her.
Our granddaughter was two when my partner died. I said that he had died and he now lives with the stars and the moon. We do talk about him.
I know it’s different losing her mum and this is something she will have to navigate for the rest of her life. But honesty is important.
@Diadhuit
Have you looked into bereavement support groups for you and your daughter in your area? Our local hospice offers a group for bereaved children, you might find yours will too if you give them a call or check their website.
You could also speak to the health visitor for your daughter , usually they’re linked to your GP surgery if you’re not sure who this is. They sometimes will have an idea of local support and resources that could be helpful.
If you child enjoys reading books, there are some really good ones out there to help her understand , set at her age range now but also as she grows up.
There are lots of online resources too.
I’ve looked at child bereavement UK
Also Winston’s Wish was really good and both have good links to other resources too
I hope this helps .
I wish you and your little one the very best .
well she doesnt need to be told at 2, she wont remember what you tell her anyway. but when you do tell her, tell her the truth with a little lie, her mum was ill and has gone to heaven ( depends if you believe that i dont, but thats my choice) the real story can be left till she is a lot older. seems to me the child care staff are making more out of it than she is and could be causing the problems
Hello @Diadhuit . I am so very sorry for both you and your daughter.
I agree wholeheartedly with all @SueF1 has written. Your little girl is still a baby. However, there are books out there about explaining death to children and one book which springs to mind is, Water bugs and dragonflies.
I agree with Sue and Crazy. Your baby girl is too young to understand anything about death, Heaven, etc. She will ask “why” a million times to any question you answer as this is what 2 year old toddlers do to with everything.
They don’t really want an explanation, they just ask it over and over because it is a word they know and it gets a response which is what they really want.
Honestly, I am surprised that she remembers having a mommy since the loss was when she was so young. Perhaps her memories are the ones you told her, I don’t know.
Wait forever to tell her the circumstances of her momma’s death. Maybe she never has to know and it can be a secret that the family can keep from her. There is no need to burden her with such horror which might make her question her own mental stability as she gets older and goes through the pre-teen, teen, and young adult changes in life which are filled with doubts, disappointments, confusion, and hormones.
It is complicated and you will do what is necessary in the best interest of your baby.