@debbie57 that is so right. Although I spent Sharon’s last 5 months at her side 24/7 in the hospice - there were periods when she was in hospital, and I was alone in the house. Like you, subconsciously I don’t accept Sharon is gone - and that is the problem as occasionally I get glimpses that this is real, and I can’t handle that at all.
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@anniemacuno Yes, I’m wondering if the sense of loss started at the beginning of caring for a soul mate who is terminal? When I say “block” I don’t mean block Sharon - I’ll never do that, nor could - but I mean to try to “change the subject” in my head, try to divert my thoughts etc when reality strikes and the panic hits me hardest…
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@LoveForever Thanks for that, it seems you have been where I am now so yes it is really useful to hear. From what you say, I will continue to try to keep busy and divert attention - but sooner or later I will totally fall to bits when reality finally hits me. I guess what the doctors want me to do is to try to deal with the grief in small chunks, but even the smallest glimpse of reality that my girl will never come back just knocks me for six and I simply can’t deal with it. I’d like to cry, to let some of the pressure out, but it seems if I let go I start to slide into a place where I think ending would seem a welcome release, so I have to keep bottling it in.
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@Jules4 Thanks for that, I will look at the website today. Your advice is also very useful, as it seems I’m walking a path that you have trod - and that is where everyone on this site is so helpful…
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@Northumbrian54 I totally get that. I’ll never block Sharon from my thoughts, I could never do that as she’s part of my soul for the last 45 years - it’s the panic when reality hits that I need to divert away from.
I do still talk every day, a lot, to Sharon and I think I always will - because she’s in every part of my brain and everything I do I can hear my girl telling me what to do. And it’s a comfort to me - but perhaps wrong as I’m delaying the inevitable acceptance that she will never come back, and I’ll never hold her in my arms again… but I can’t deal with that now so I won’t.
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@Sandra7 Exactly. I knew every chemo drug, pain killer, antidepressant, anti biotic used for 13 neutropenic sepsis episodes, anti emetic etc etc. So all my girl had to do was be herself - and I’d do all the admin. It also helped when doctors tried to lie to know what was going on - and I recorded every meeting, drug, episode all the way thorough. If my love could have saved her she’d have lived for ever…
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@Shirleymc Thanks for that - really useful as I suspect it lets me know what will happen - but also confirms (like other kind people on here who have replied) that I need to continue to use diversion and panic blocking to avoid having a serious consequence of this grief and panic overwhelming me.
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I’m not a Psychiatrist or a Mental Health professional.
I’m just a bereaved woman trying to survive this sadness.
I use “diversional therapy”, (ie.stop thinking about that and think about or do this instead) all the time and I find it helps me function and get through another day.
I don’t focus on how things will be in the future, for now, just dealing with today is enough.
Do what works for you @DennisS.
Deal with tomorrow when it arrives.
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Yes @DennisS, of course, we mean "block’ our grief, our pain, or agony as I call it, and not the thoughts of our loved ones who are always on our minds. I have the image of my smiling husband always in front of me, I see, hear, smell, even breathe him all the time.
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Yes Dennis - exactly what you said .
Was the same for me. I became an expert in everything that happened to him and researched everything he was given, and if they said he couldn’t be treated for something I would be several steps ahead having already investigated the solutions.
He was on 20 different medications a day and various antibiotics - all,given through the peg feed tube, if something wasn’t working or was interacting with another medication I knew, frightening how many times a gp would prescribe a drug which was totally unsuitable and would have serious consequences if he took it with his other medications.
But I’d don’t need to tell you as you were ahead of your game too. I also have issues with the way he died and the treatment ( or lack of it) that was given and am dealing with that in due course
But at the moment my grief is so,huge that dealing with anything much else is slow work and I am pacing myself.
I hope your day is as well as it can be today - I love what you said about if your love could have saved her - I feel the same for Martin and could not have worded it better
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@Wingingit Thanks for that - I am going to do that now… I’ll just have to avoid as much grief, panic, torture as I can, and try to avoid it consuming me mentally and physically until some later stage. It’s not easy, but as you say - just try to get through another day. If one day I cant, then we’ll just have to see what happens then,
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@Solost Totally agree - I’d never block my girl from my mind, even if I could. Maybe trying to delay and bottling it all up will mean that, like you, reality totally smashes me one day - but I cant deal with even small doses of this at the moment - and if the freight train hits me later, so be it…
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@Sandra7 Yes, I have all the documentation (forged Respect Form, Release notes saying what they did) - and if Sharon hadn’t gone to the hospice they would have managed to kill her and get away with it. I will sort it, not via a complaint as they will whitewash, but need to deal with other stuff first so I can be calmer to ensure I get them properly.
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@Poppy1231 Thanks for that, all of this confirms that I may be slipping out of shock occasionally after 12 weeks, but I’ll have to try to block the panics until a later stage… if possible…
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Good morning @DennisS, the start of another weekend, which I know, like many of us here, are really the worst to get through. Everyday is the same now, anyway, I usually don’t even know what day it is, have to keep asking my kids. The one thing I can’t stand now is the TV talking non-stop about summer holidays, showing us people sunbathing, running around and enjoying themselves on our beautiful beaches, motorways jammed with kilometers of traffic. My darling husband loved the sea, and we used to go on beach holidays, mind you, lately not so much, as obviously when the kids grow up they don’t want to go with their mum and dad anymore,prefer to go with friends.
Wishing you a peaceful day.
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Oh Dennis - this sounds very similar to,the situation with Martin which led to,his death. I argued continuously with them and asked them to put him on a ventilator in icu to give his body a chance to recover - they refused and overrode our wishes. I have started a formal complaint but expect they will whitewash it - I wonder what other routes there are to deal with it?
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@Solost Yes, totally. Sundays are the worst. We turned off or phones, and shut the gates. I would make a big pot of coffee, go and get the papers and we’d read those and listen to music. Then we’d maybe mess around, go for a walk - in winter we’d light the fire and watch an D film. Always Sunday tea - like we did when we were first married and couldn’t afford much food.
Now, I can’t deal with Sundays - I have to go out, do something… anything. Pretend it’s another day…
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@Sandra7 I won’t make a formal complaint - we did that before when the District Nurses didn’t turn up for the appointments to disconnect Sharon’s chemo pump. Not the nurses’ fault - 7 Senior Managers I spoke with, numerous Managers all in the District Nurse department - but only 2 nurses who were overwhelmed. It was whitewashed, and the CEO of the authority blamed Boris for cutting funds.
But I will destroy the doctors who tried to kill Sharon and forged her documents - if Sharon hadn’t been transferred to the hospice and hydrated, they would have got away with it and no one would have known…
Dennis - I hope you do destroy them . I really do. I would like to do the same for the drs who refused to,put Martin in icu saying it was in his best interests. How can it be in his best interest to not be treated?
He didn’t have a dnr and I was emphatic that one should not be placed on him. But I believe they may have placed one anyway and overridden our wishes. I placed the formal,complaint as the only starting point I could think of. If there is a better way I would pursue that too as I have no faith whatsoever in the complaints procedure
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You and your soulmate have been very unlucky. My husband was on palliative care in hospital but survived only three days. I understand how devastated you must be. I blocked it all out as long as I could but inevitably kept coming back. Now 21 months later I feel it is far better for my mental health to give way to tears when they come. Of course most people can’t cope with someone else sobbing so I do it alone and it is gradually getting a little easier. Best wishes to you.
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