@Carol9 thanks for that - I’m trying to let it leak out in a controlled way, but can’t stop if it gets real. I don’t cry, just go into the worst panic imaginable, far too devastated and scared to cry I think…
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Bless you Dennis I know it’s tough I too fear that if I let go then I won’t be able to stop . The tears are now begining to come and I just let them flow but it still feels like a dam wanting to breach it’s walls and that’s when I feel myself pulling back. I 've screamed,shouted and smashed pots to release that tension but the tears still didn’t come until I began to accept I couldn’t turn the clock back and accepted Chris had gone physically from me but had left me with good memories that would stay with me for ever and that was when the real tears began to flow. Just hang in there .
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@Shirleymc that’s exactly how I feel… I think you are further along this journey of hell? If you don’t mind me asking, how long was it for you before the dam burst, and how was that?
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Hello Dennis Chris died last November but my grieving started before that as I knew he was terminally ill. The first few months were hell not sleeping anxiety etc . I still have really bad days and living alone has been a big adjustment to make. The dam still hasn’t breached but the tears do come now usually when I’m tired or frustrated with something or someone. I think they will come with a bang when I feel safe and more in control of my life and someone is there to comfort me. Having said that I am better at coping with my grief and have started to accept he’s gone physically from me but not spiritually as he’s still there in my memory and heart. Xx
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Good morning @DennisS, the dam is a very good metaphor,yes. AT t times, it has ‘little’ overflows, it depends on what triggers it. I had a massive outburst the other day when we tragically lost one of our lovely cats. I held on to my daughter, both crying helplessly, and I suddenly screamed out how I was really feeling, that if it wasn’t for her and my son, I would just want to end it all. That I don’t exist anymore as a person, I really had a freaky breakdown that day, just couldn’t stop. I felt so bad after that my kids had seen me that way, I usually hide my downpours in front of them, but once the wall collapses, there is just no stopping the tears and desperation, they need to find their way out every now and then. That’s my problem, instead of crying steadily at a gentle pace, I have these explosions.
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@solost thanks for that. I feel for you - and to be honest, I’m desperate to cry, to release the tension, but just can’t. Last night there was a power cut, looked like it would be off for hours so I was searching everywhere for the candles, asking my darling Sharon where she would logically have hidden them (I always joked with her over her kitchen cupboards), having a wry thought. But it’s just like a dream.
So just now this morning 5 minutes ago I tried to make me understand that it is real, so I could explain what it is like to the bereavement councilor, GP (who has just prescribed an anti-depressant which I will start tomorrow) etc, and this is what I just wrote: " Head keeps looping round that it can’t be real, just can’t, stomach churning, skin on arms tingling, legs tingling, stomach tightens, face feels deadpan, then my brain cuts in and changes subject, barriers automatically drop… but afterwards once barriers are down the physical symptoms remain." I’m being told to try to sit quietly and let reality in, in limited amounts, but I just can’t. Maybe the sertraline will take the edge off and help - but a large part of me thinks that the professionals have read all the books, done the training, but can never understand this…
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Yes, those symptoms describe perfectly what I go through too. My Xanax drops don’t even work sometimes to help me sleep, was actually considering visiting my GP to ask for a sleeping pill to use for those particular restless nights.
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@Solost good luck with that. Hope it works for you - I previously tried sleeping pills (stillnocht, antihistamines, melatonin), but no much effect on me.
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