Today a mixed bag of feelings.

Today was another confusing day. I was optimistic, crying, lonely, missed him terribly (that never stops anyway), and hoped to wake up from this everlasting nightmare. There are still days and nights were I am completely bewildered about what actually happened to us. I am having flashbacks of seeing him laying dead on our bedroom floor and I am sitting on the bed looking at him and cannot take in what happened. It is still a roller-coaster after almost six months. Tomorrow the mental health nurse will contact me and I will go through the therapies with her. My birthday is coming up (26. August) I will be 63 and it will be the first time without him. We always looked forward to a long bank holiday weekend together and sometimes planned a nice day away to have a meal or go to the cinema. Now I am dreading it. Sending love and hugs to everyone.


One of the things that really brings things home is my fall alarm. I only used to wear it when he was out. Now I have to wear it all the time. I have to remember to put it in when i get up In the night. I had to ring the company and remove him as a contact. It makes me realise how vulnerable I am and alone. Xx


I was also asked to fill in my next of kin and I have no one close left. I put my husband’s son and phone number on the form but actually he does not know me really. I saw him maybe two or three times - one time at my husband’s funeral. I have to write a will soon and also give instructions for my funeral as only my husband knew what I wanted. I want to be with my husband - if possible - in my Mum’s grave together. Sending love and hugs.