…for no particular reason that I can think of.
It’s 12 weeks since I lost my Mum.
Today I have just yearned to have her by my side. I visited a wildlife park (something I love doing) and I just know she would have loved it too, we would have had the best time together.
I keep having the realisation hit me like a ton of bricks that shes not here and then a flood of panic.
Ive had enough 
Hello @stardust2023 ,
I was so sorry to read about your Mum. The way you are feeling is completely understandable.
There’s always someone out there to help you through this. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts during their grief journey. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
If you do feel these suicidal thoughts or feelings get too much, you can reach out to one of the following organisations who are always just a call or text away anytime you would like someone to talk to:
If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. You might also want to look at our Grief Guide, which provides articles and interactive tools to help you cope with grief.
Do take care - keep reaching out,
Alex
Hi @stardust2023
Im so sorry for your loss, its so hard grieving for your mum, I keep feeling like I’ve lost my identity and like you, the thought of never seeing her again is so painful.
I know its expected that our mum will die at some point, but has your experience with your grief taken you completely by surprise? It has with me, I never thought it would be so painful both mentally and physically.
I’m sorry I can’t reassure you in any way but I just needed to reach out to someone who understands
If I have got any advice it would be to take one day at a time and be exta kind to yourself 
Thanks for the resources and for all you do here in the online community <3
Hi @Pixiecat
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Yes I definitely would say it took me by surprise, from the day she passed I felt pain I could never have begun to imagine. I literally couldn’t have predicted what this would feel like and it’s something that can’t be explained, only felt.
I’m glad you reached out <3
I agree with you on that one, taking it one day at a time is how I’ve gotten to today x
Im so sorry for your loss - i lost my mum 21 weeks ago and i can relate to that feeling when something happens and the pain of her not being there hits you again. I think they say around 12 weeks some of the numbness wears off, so it can feel like things are getting worse not better. You dont lose someone once, you lose them every day, often multiple times a day when you turn to tell them something and they’re not there. 
I also found after several weeks of intense grief i just felt battered down, exhausted, i didnt feel i could take any more, i just wanted it to STOP. So my heart goes out to you.
I cant paint you a rosy picture of hope because im not in that place myself yet. You cant avoid the pain and the longing, its there because you love her so much. But just know that youre not alone. 
Take it one day at a time.
I think sometimes you just need to connect with someone who understands
Hopefully our pain will ease in time but life will never be the same, that’s my saddest part of grieving
Thanks for replying and take care xx
Hi @Ally6
Really appreciate your reply and your kind words, thank you.
Im sorry for your loss too, I don’t know about you but the weeks have flown by for me but the days haven’t, if that makes any sense?
The numbness wearing off terrifies me but I’m trying to trust that my body/brain will know how and when to protect me, I don’t have much choice really. X
@stardust2023 it’s well over a year since my Mum died and I still feel that poignant yearning for her to be with me. I feel it mostly when I visit lovely garden centres as she was always an enthusiastic gardener. In some ways, as much as it gives me a sharp pang of grief, I also find it comforting because I can imagine what she’d be saying about all the plants. As time is moving on these ripples of memories do become easier to bear. Best wishes xx
It’s 10 weeks since mum died and I still struggle to believe it has really happened and that I won’t see her ever again. I have started talking to her photo and usually get tearful, I don’t have anyone to talk to about anything xx
Keep posting @Victoria22
I haven’t got anyone either, family moved on. This is where we can vent and talk to people who really care and understand
Take care xx
I have been on this board all morning. I miss my parents terribly.
I am going to go swimming at the natatorium now. Eat my little food later.
I am in the same heart-wrenching space as you …
I’m just going to a yoga class. Enjoy your swim xx
I know what you mean completely-i lost my mum 4 weeks ago and today has been really hard for some reason. I’ve plenty of family around asking how i am etc but everything just seems to have a connection to her and I’ve just constantly cried. I cant even try hide it from my daughter anymore-she’s seen it all today. I dont feel like i can function anymore
I really get it - you describe how I feel too.
Im sorry you lost your Mum. Theres no feeling like this one, its just torture x
I lost my Mum on New Year’s Eve so it was 3 months on Easter Sunday. I think because you’re going about your daily business 'as usual ’ people think you’re ok and over it so grieving can be a very lonely journey.
I miss my Mum every day and often forget she’s gone because she was always there.