Today l woke in tears. I went out yesterday but everything seems to trigger me. I haven’t heard from the coroner yet. I may call funeral directors today just to get some perspective as lm back at work Tuesday. I really don’t want to do any of this. I just want to shut myself away but l know l have to do it. Then I will have to sort the funeral and then go through Marks things. I feel awful having to go these things.
I feel for anyone going through this. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever been through and it’s never ending. Xx
Hi @JerryH Thank you for your kind words. Good idea with the radio, I’ll try that. I don’t know whether I’m still suffering from shock to a degree but I just find it so hard to believe that he’s gone. I think I’m trying to live in a cocoon. But at some point in the next few weeks I need to try to go back to work. I will have a very phased return and lots of support to begin with, but after that I’ll be in at the deep end again in a stressful job where I’m often a lone worker. I dread having a meltdown. Even though there is no pressure on me whatsoever for now I know that I’ll need to try, for the sake of a routine and company. But I’ll need to be able to get myself out the house first! lol
I suppose we’re all trying to look to the future and navigate a way through it. Through my job I have access to the hospital chaplaincy service, and I was so lucky to meet a lovely lady who has come out to visit me regularly. I have an open mind about religion, have never been a church goer and Tricia, the chaplain, talks about our lives being like a map, a network of roads that we have navigated all our lives and now there are roadblocks and diversions to contend with that need a new route. And that’s where we all are, trying to find the best route for our forward journey.
Best wishes to everyone on their travels xx
Hi @Kearray My heart goes out to you. I understand all the feelings you have about the funeral, but hopefully like me, you’ll get comfort from the family and friends who will support you through when the time comes. I dreaded the funeral but it was lovely to hear how much people had loved him and afterwards I felt that I could start trying to come to terms with it all. I certainly didn’t have a coroner to deal with and I can’t imagine how distressing that is for you. I’ve left my husband’s things pretty much as they were, can’t bring myself to do anything like that for now, but we just all need to do what we feel able to do when it’s the right time for us.
We’re all here for you xx
@Kearray its very very early days for you. Take baby steps and do what is right for you. I was off work for 10 weeks and felt that was too soon. I think it was the right time for my mental health but the wrong time because it was Christmas. We all deal with things in our own way. It’s 15 weeks Saturday since I lost my husband and I’ve cried every single day. Sending you a hug.x
Thank you. I’ve just put a new clasp on his necklace. It’s a man’s necklace. Would it weird to wear it. I’m struggling with emotions today. I’m waiting for a call from a local funeral director, I’m meeting with friends tomorrow to go through photos of him so know that will be emotional aswell. I’m trying my hardest to keep it together xx
I cry everyday but being at home is messing with my head. I look for signs of him in everything. I think work might be a welcome distraction. They are aware of everything and supportive. Sometimes I feel peaceful sometimes tormented xx
@Kearray I have felt Steve everyday since I came back from our holiday. He touches my feet or hair everyday and when I was having bad panic attacks I could feel him touch my knee or thigh. I’ve had a few visits from robins too which I love. Have you had any signs? I hope you have good support around you. I’ve done the opposite I’ve not let people in and spent Christmas alone which was beyond awful.x
I’ve not seen any obvious signs. I’m looking and asking him. I’m not sure if I’m looking too hard. Or whether because there has been no funeral has he not crossed over. I don’t know what to think xx
@Kearray No, I don’t think it would be weird to wear his necklace. If it gives you comfort and you feel him close to you then just you do that. I honestly still don’t know what my spiritual beliefs are, I’ve always sat on the fence. But a week after he died I placed a rose on the spot where he died in the garden and a butterfly landed on my shoulder for a few seconds then flew off. That gave me great comfort at the time. But I believe he’s with me in some shape or form. When my brother brought his dog to visit today, I could hear him laughing at her mischief as he always did. You might feel that you’ll never get through this but you will xx
I’ve just spoken to the funeral directors. I dint have his death certificate yet and I want to be able to see him in the chapel of rest. I have an appointment on Tuesday to see them.
I have tried to call the coroner but no answer so I’ve emailed.
My anxiety is really bad. Speaking to the funeral director made it more real. I have friends who want to visit tonight but don’t want to see anyone x
Omg I wish I could hug you, this really triggered me. I literally hid in my house for 5 weeks. Please don’t be like me, anxiety is a bastard. It does ease off but it can come back at stupid times. If they are close friends they will understand, I had some so called friends who literally came to be nosey. I really feel for you.x
Me too. I understand what you’re going through with anxiety @Kearray I’ve never known anything like it and like you I’m struggling with people. Friends and colleagues want to visit and I just can’t cope with it yet. Don’t be under any pressure to do anything you’re not comfortable with. It’s your grief, your trauma and you have to look after yourself in whatever way feels right for you.
Have you spoken to the GP. They can offer help in terms of medication or referral on to other services. It would be your choice entirely whether you thought it would be helpful, but a chat at least with the GP might help.xx
I might call my GP on Tuesday. I’ve just had an email back from the coroner to say they had done the digital autopsy 26/12 and had the results but the mortuary isn’t open till new year so he’s been lying there 3 weeks now. The hospital failed him in the first instance now they are doing it again. It’s making me feeling very ill xx
You don’t need to wait until Tuesday to speak to a gp, ring out of hours or ring cruse or any bereavement support. You are on autopilot at the moment as it’s very early days. It’s just a terrible time of year that this has happened. Just know there is help if you need it.x
Take whatever help you can, I made myself worse by cutting people off and leaving it later to ask for help. I’ve spoken to a few people on here on the phone and that’s helped a lot.x