Too many deaths

Struggling to work right now. Work usually helps me, but they are badly managed at the moment so I’m off sick. My dad’s in a care home, I try and visit as much as I can, changed my job so that I could visit more often. Feel massive guilt for being part of the decision to put him in here. Finally after covid delay, last November we got a diagnosis of Parkinson’s, not dementia. But he hasn’t been able to talk for 18 months now, but is still all there mentally, understands conversations, can understand what is happening, but his body is shutting down. We pay for physio which helps him, but I suspect he has serious mental health issues, which my mum refuses to even hear discussed. So hard to figure out what he needs or is distressed about at times. Even when he could speak he never said how he felt , kept it all to himself. I am not a mind reader and should not be expected to be one. This is the 4th care home, better than the others, but we still have to monitor what they are doing. Not enough staff, as usual, quick / rough / non gentle care and inaccurate records of fluids given, as a family we go often, and this is necessary, as well as being there for him.

Two months ago I lost a friend who was an on/off partner, sudden death. A month ago lost another friend. Last week another friend is in ICU with heart attack.
Struggling big time at the moment

I’m losing my grip. Can’t remember conversations I had with my mum about days visiting dad. I write everything in my diary because I know this helps me, but Im left wondering if I did make plans as she says. I have asked her to send texts with dates now, I can at least refer to these. Feel like I’m losing everybody who I could count on and who I was close to.

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Thank you for sharing this with us, @Glad2findthis. That sounds like such a lot to cope with and it sounds like you’re doing your best. Are you getting any support from your GP while you’re signed off? It might be a good idea to have a chat with them if not.

You might also want to get in touch with Parkinson’s UK. They have a free helpline on 0808 800 0303 where you can talk to someone in confidence. The Samaritans are always there too on 116 123.

I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts, but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

Take care,
Seaneen

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Thank you. I have rung the Samaritans many times, sometimes it’s hard to get through. I’ll try the Parkinson’s helpline, thanks. I rang the GP this morning, but now you just do an online form to request a sick note. Very surprised at this.

Dad can’t speak, but can he write or type? Just a suggestion.

Of course you are a mess, you’re in a tornado of awful. Burn out or break down is around the corner. Please work out something with staff and family so that you can take a break from dad care and get some self-love going on here. You can not pour a glass of water from an empty pitcher, so fill yourself up. Plan a little vacay, even if it is in the next town.

Run away and recharge.

Much love.

Hi im really really struggling atm i opened up on mon at a bereavement group in frnt of my bf n nw he wants space frm me it took me alot 2 take him bk after he walked out on me in march i just wish i hadnt taken him bk . Im absolutely gutted with war hes doing n am having serious suicidal thoughts rite nw

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Stop! Tracey, no man or woman is worth your life. So you made a mistake and let him come back, we all make mistakes - that is why pencils have erasers. He’s done you in twice now - let him go before he does so again.

You’ve enough to deal with. A boyfriend that walks away when you need support the most is not worth the effort to keep him around.

I would say the same to a man with such an awful girlfriend.

I am so sorry you are going through this, but you will persevere and live to see better days. You are loved and needed here in this world. You are worthy of a long and good life. All of this shall pass and you will still be here, standing strong. I promise.

Much love.

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Thank u so much bt im stupid as love him i knw thats pathetic bt thats hw i feel

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Tracy, sometimes we have to JUMP from a runaway train. Please jump. Love doesn’t walk away when things get tough.

Don’t waste time running after and chasing after anyone to keep them in your life, especially those that hurt you. These are the people you cut ties from.

A dearly departed friend who was a therapist once told me that the secret to happiness it to hang out with people whom you really like who also really like you. I am going to guess that you do not like how you’ve been treated which to me, seems like he doesn’t have the same depth of feelings you have for him and he never will.

Love him from a distance.

Much love from me.

Thats just the point up until thurs wen he had a therapy session everything was fine he said he was most at peace wen with me as hes meant 2 b a Christian by he aint treating me like he is. Everythings changed overnite without explanation he just kps saying we need 2 b apart 4 a little while i asked him before he left mine on weds nite ul neva leave me eh n he said no i love u 2 much bt he obviously dnt bt i also think hes been listening 2 ppl dripping poison in his ear just cos im nt a Christian which he said he was ok with bt obviously nt nw

My job was my run away, but that has turned.

My dad is not able to write or use his hands. Has to be helped to eat and do all things that we usually do ourselves. Physio helps him, and although hard for him some days, I think he wants to continue. It’s the only thing left in the home with an intention of helping him to be active still.

I found a church on the corner, my parents are devout Christians. It’s not their church or ideal,but it was open. I got a list of dates they offer groups, coffee mornings and church stuff. It’s just getting time off work now to take him . He seemed to come out of himself when we took him there.

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What she said.

If it is such a deal breaker to him that you are not a Christian, go now. This will never change. And don’t change yourself just to fit what he is looking for. Accept you both want different beliefs in life and let go and move on. Don’t waste your life pining for two pieces of jigsaw that do not go together.

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Wat makes me laugh is that hes only been a Christian 5 mins n thinks he knws it all he doesnt act like a Christian treating me the way he does it took alot 4 me 2 take him bk after he walked out on me in march n he promised on weds hed neva leave me then he has 1 counselling session n then im thrown away like rubbish again he knws hw much im struggling with grief which i stupidly opened up abt at a bereavement group on mon in frnt of 1 of his so called friends who dnt like me even though she dnt knw me n nw shes poisoned him against me i think shes jealous of us being bk 2gether n taking his attention away frm her shes married also

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Stop the relationship now. He has far too much of his own going on and cannot give you the support you need. If, in future things are different, then maybe try again, but only after a break and he shows different actions. Find support for yourself elsewhere.

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I saw an advert on TV. It was an acting group who visit stroke patients in hospital to read and sing to/with them to help them recover after the brain injury of the stroke and lost voice/ability to speak. I have emailed them.

Today is a better day, even so, earlier on was excruciatingly hard. I swing wildly even during one day. But having hope because of new things I am looking into helps me a lot. Otherwise I’d never find a way up. I went back to an old pub I worked in, it helps a lot to have people who seem pleased to see me, even if I have mixed feelings about the past.