Too many losses, and too much work

Where to start?

At the beginning of November, we lost my mother in law and my mum, both on the same day…just three months before that, we lost my dad. So much has happened, in such a short time, that it’s hard to know really what to say but I thought I’d come on here to see if there are any words of wisdom or, more pointedly, if there’s anywhere to turn for help…

Dad died relatively suddenly, although he had some issues for a while. He died, aged 85, in A&E after his colon burst (complications from a major op some 5 years before). I was holding his hand when he went and I have some comfort from that. I was very close to him and saw him most days (he and mum lived about 300 yds from us). I loved him and miss him very much.

Mother in law was in a care home for 12 months, she’s been deteriorating for a while in that 12 month period, both physically (she was off her feet for all of that time) and latterly mentally. But she’d been living by herself prior to that for 8-9 years. She died with my wife with her, in her sleep, having deteriorated slowly in her last days. She lived around the corner too, about 300 yds in the other direction! We’re a very close, but small, family. Once in the care home, she was still only a mile away.

My mum passed away later the same day. She hadn’t been well since dad died three months earlier and had refused consistently to see a doctor. She’d had quite bad diarrhoea - eventually she saw a doctor, had an emergency admission to hospital and finally a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis (colon and lungs) - she died 4 weeks to the day after the diagnosis, having been admitted to another local care home for respite care. I wasn’t with her at the end - I walked into the room as she passed away. Yes, she was very ill, but everyone expected her to last a few more weeks so this came unbelievably quickly.

I am the co-owner of a business too, and whilst I was lucky enough to be able to take 4 weeks off work after the latest losses, I’m still struggling. My family are a mazing - my wife has lost her mum don’t forget so she has her own things to think about - we’ve supported each other as best we can but that’s been hard with our losses and all the “stuff” that needs to be done overlapping.

Stress is affecting me in a very specific way - yes, I’m upset and yes I keep thinking about what’s gone on, but it’s not really that.

I keep getting angry - at what seems like probably small thing, but all relating to work. I’m ok, I think, with my wife and family, but I think work is turning into some sort of vent for the way I’m feeling.

I know I’m making rash decisions (I want to sell the business just to get away) and losing my rag with my fellow directors and feeling “despair” at other peoples performance, their ability to do the job, etc - I’m at best “over-critical” but i imagine everyone thinks I’ve gone nuts…which is how I feel too

I feel a bit petty trying to explain - but I know I’m “not right”

Any thoughts on where to go, what to do, who to speak to all gratefully received

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Velocipede , It all sounds totally over-whelming. You’ve suffered an horrendous amount of loss within a short time. I don’t have any answers as I’m struggling too with the loss of my Mum 9 weeks ago.
I wonder if you can take a bit more time off work?

You have suffered a massive amount of loss.
You have just put your feelings exactly like I’m feeling. I’ve posted a couple of times, 8 weeks since loosing my mum in an awful way (though loosing someone is always awful) I’m resenting work, over critical, usually calm and collected, now a mess, disinterested, want to leave but to do what?
And I feel totally petty whey trying to explain to my area manager how I’m feeling, be have no manager, they all look to me but that’s the last thing I want.

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Hi

Oh wow what a lot to go through in such a short time. I’m so sorry for your losses. I too can empathise with the loss of temper easily. It’s only been 6 weeks since I lost my Dad to a sudden heart attack and found him on his bathroom floor. I came on here also to vent to like minded people and I do take comfort from that. Unlike you, I’ve taken the rest of the year off because I know In myself that I can’t face, or deal with people. Don’t feel bad and be easy on yourself. You’ve suffered a traumatic experience that has totally shifted your whole world. Give yourself more time and consider speaking to a counsellor. I had my first session last week and it was great to vent to someone who didn’t try to steer conversation.
Not that it overly matters but I’m 27, and my dad was only 64. It’s hard but I’m trying to put myself first and only think about myself.

Take care and vent here anytime. We are all here to listen.

Thanks for that @Watt92 How did you find a counsellor? Did you go through your doctor or did you find them somewhere else? I think I’d benefit from that too but not sure where to look to be honest…

i hate to be negative, but I did read somewhere that speaking to a councilor too soon could make things worse, as everything is very raw.

I went to my doctor who got me counciling it was the best thing I did,anger is a part of the grief prosses, my emotions went from one to a hundred in seconds ,antidepressants helped me to level out but talking to a councillor even more, surprisingly the counciling wasn’t just about the loss but all aspects of your life, it took me a few months on the list to eventually get to see one ,or even push the boat out and go private, it really helps ,Debra x

@velocipede everyone is different and I had considered it was maybe too soon, but I’m currently studying counselling at University so am a big believer in it. I was just getting so lost in the anxiety and panic attacks, not able to leave my house and having my boyfriend go to the shops for me almost daily. For me, I wanted to try take back some control. But like I said we are all different and experience things different.
The best way I’d advise is to go through your doctor who will refer you to one in your area that’s usually donation based, so don’t worry about cost.
It’s good talking to someone who knows nothing about you. No judgement. No fear.

Here anytime as well

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