Hello friends, I’m new here today.
I lost my brother when I was 24 yrs he was 26 yrs with Crohn’s disease in 1989. My twin son died in 1985 aged 1 day from a strep infection and his twin brother in 2017 aged 32 years from addiction issues.
My remaining son who is now 37 is down a rabbit hole self medicating on a peculiar religion and also taking amphetamines to cope with the loss of his big brother. He was coping just until lockdown.
I can’t connect with him as he’s not his true self on speed and I want to meet him when he’s drug free and can communicate properly with me otherwise I’m more upset. He’s been in trouble but not since becoming religious. That’s one blessing.
My dear father died last December and my mum had to go into a nursing home recently and I’m selling our happy family home and tying up their affairs
I am now the only child and felt a huge pressure to keep everyone ‘up’ and I still try to keep mum up as obviously she is grieving our lost loved ones too and this Christmas seems harder than ever.
My partner is not good with empathy. I think he just does not know what to do for me honestly so I have to pull my ‘big grown up pants up’ and be strong but feel alone. I just quietly get on with life as best I can. I try to be the perfect partner too.
My close long term friends know and love me. They know I was a good Mum but I feel I’ve nothing to show for it.
At Christmas I will be sitting listening to how all the youngsters are high flying and I’m pleased for them and their parents of course but I feel so short changed by my families tragedies. I can’t join in and don’t have so many success stories to tell.
I’m usually very good at putting on a brave face and never get depressed. I attend an art class.
I practice yoga daily and I cycle a lot. I don’t consume alcohol and eat like a health guru to keep myself in tip top condition to stave off depression. That takes strength and can be exhausting too but it does help I’m sure. Then every twelve month’s Christmas arrives. Christmas used to be so much fun and my family so warm. Now I feel the contrast and starkness.
I miss the wives and grandchildren that never were.
I just want to hibernate from now until January and come back out with the daffodils 
Hello @Smokeyrose5252, thank you for sharing this with us. You have endured so much heartache and loss, it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling this way. Lots of our members are finding the run up to Christmas really difficult, so I just want to reassure you that you are not alone.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted you to know that you have been heard 
Hi smokey rose. Ill join you in that hibernation you spoke of. Xmas feels like a lazer sharp pain highlighting the inequality of those that are lucky enough to have “perfect” families and those who like us have lost and feel intensely the fragments of what could be/ should be.
You have carried your grief from your brother to your son, your father, losing your happy family home as well with your mother no longer there as she may have been. Old age and the shift in caring responsibilties can be another grief as you said your mother is now in a care home.
And on top of this list of pain… you have…
in addition the pain of being a witness to your much loved and surviving son struggling with addiction issues. How much grief can a person endure. We are all human.
We all do what we must to survive. It is amazing how you look after your health. You sound like you have really good self control. Take comfort in that as it demonstrates your amazing strength.
I am weak. I dont want to be. I am broken. I have given up. But maybe not entirely. I am waiting for signs of worthiness.
Addiction is an illness and I think your son will not be driven by the high at the weekend but more so the desire for … comfort / to escape ??. I hope that he knows his mum wants so much more for him and that he has to try try and try for a better life. He has lost his brother but he is loved equally. He deserves to be.
I hope that you can talk to your partner … sometimes when we talk openly those around us surprise us. Even those who seem to lack empathy.
I am rubbish at making things right. But i do hope that you feel okay and have some good luck not just for xmas but for always xx
Sending love.
Take care of yourself and keep doing the excercise etc. You are important, remember this always
Lynne
Smokeyrose
I feel your pain. Its hard to find the light, but we must go there.
I too have had many family loses at young ages. All have been devastating, but the hardest, if there is such a thing, was my dear son who passed july 4, 2023. He too was a twin. He died suddenly, unexpectedly, in a car crash.
The only thing that has kept me going is making sure I find time for Myself. Quiet time. Having loads of people around all the time doesn’t give me time to think and cry. Which I think is so essential. The outdoors is the other thing that helps me immensely. I go outside even if it’s just to walk in the woods. So healing.
And finally, since you seem to also be active and you like yoga …every morning I sit down on my mat for 5 minutes and do breath work. And then I do 5 minutes of yoga. Whatever I feel like doing and then I log in to journal whatever came to mind. it’s been helpful. . people have been great but most of all time alone and being able to cry, no matter where I am no matter how hard I want to I just let it roll.
I agree the holidays were really hard so what I think i’m gonna start doing is celebrating them the weekend before . get away from all the commercialization and the stigma and just turn the t v off.
Take good care Teresa