My Hubby passed away in December, the 1st 3 months had been so hard, but i was slowly coming around,i went out for a couple of trips with a guy i had been talking to, and he helped in a big way, just by listening and being understanding, but this last week,ive done nothing but cry, maybe its because i have hit the 6 month mark,or maybe because i have felt guilty about being out on those trips, people say , life goes on, yes i know it does, but is it too soon to be meeting someone, my family have said to me, do what makes you happy, and make the most of what you have now, are they right, or should i stay home alone, i look at 4 walls every day, and its getting me down, i am alone now, or single as my daughter says, and she says i should go out if im asked, but its the guilty feeling i have thats making me cry , and i do cry buckets of tears,any advice from anyone who has done the same , so soon after losing a loved 1 will be very helpful and put my mind at rest.
Hi. millie. Please, never feel guilty about anything that relieves this awful pain. What is too soon? Months, years? If you like the guy then do what your daughter says, go out with him. If he is understanding then so much the better. Life is far too short to worry about social convention. But how long is long enough to mourn? I lost my wife last November and I know its really awful, but I have adjusted somewhat to being alone. If someone came along and there was a mutual understanding, I would go for it, and I am sure my wife would approve. But you must be guided by how you feel. No one can make such decisions for you. But your family sound very wise and you have some good help there. Do what YOU want to do. Grab any chance of happiness, and if not happiness then a little peace. Go for it and the best of luck to you.
Hi milliemoo, I can’t say I have done the same and to be honest I don’t have any inclination too. None at all. My husband died at the end of January.
Maybe you could try different ways of spending time with others rather than making yourself upset with guilt. Do you have any hobbies, are there an interests you have that you would like to pursue. Could you get out of your ‘4 walls’ situation by doing other things that involve meeting people rather than relying on one particular person, particularly if that upsets you after the event.
We all do what we all do to help ourselves as individuals and, we are all different in our wants and needs. There are though many ways of seeking company, if company is what you feel you need, as well as getting yourself out of your home. Guilt is a pointless emotion in my opinion, although we do all feel it occasionally. Maybe try to get involved with pastimes that are guilt free rather than focusing on one that makes you feel worse rather than better x
This conflict between guilt, social convention and need is a life long one in many cases. Guilt comes about because we feel we are letting down our lost partners, or we have done or are doing something shameful that we regret. But we all need people. There is no other source of comfort, even the religious believe that God works through people. Is life too short to worry about what others may feel? If we find someone who is kind and understanding and wants to be with us then the loneliness we may feel is gone. Ask what your husband would want you to do. You will get an answer in your mind. You knew him better than anyone so what would he say?
Loneliness is almost unbearable at times, and although we have to be discerning, we should seek company if it’s genuine and sincere. But only you can know that. Best wishes.
Hi Millie. I personally feel that you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about and having the added bonus of your families blessing there is nothing to stop you going out for trips with this man. If you are both free to form a friendship and enjoy each others company and he is listening and understanding then I can’t see you have a problem, your doing nothing wrong. I don’t know what sort of relationship you visualise with this man but I would say keep it to friendship and company until you can think more straight, with no demands on either side. My husband actually gave me his blessing to meet someone else just before he died. He said I had been a brilliant wife and deserved to be with someone else. Think I’m past all that now but friendship and company might be worth considering. If the opportunity was there I wouldn’t give a toss what other people thought, you do what you feel happy with and the best of luck.
Thank-you Jonathan, im sorry for your loss also, its just that the guilt trip kicked in, but i know my hubby wouldnt want me to sit around on my own,he would say carry on.
Thank-you for your reply, i am going to be joining a ladies group in the near future, and have looked in to other things too, i am having someone come with me when i join, as im nervous about the 1st meet with others,so then i have something to get me out of the house ,at least a couple of times a week, take care cw13
Thank-you Pattidot, my hubby would want me to meet new people, we talked about this often, i know he would do the same too, this guy has given me a new meaning to life, he is funny, understanding, and knows what its like, as he lost his wife a few years ago, if somethings comes of this ,i will risk taking that chance ,so will have to wait & see what the futre holds, take care x
Thank you Jonathan, my hubby would want me to move on, this was something we spoke about often, and i know he would do the same, i will always hold those past memories, of the short time we had together,take care x
Of course you will. Nothing will change that. But most of us in bereavement live in the past. That can’t be helped because it’s all about memories and emotions. But we should seize every opportunity to move away from regrets and guilt. The past is gone, and although memories can be bitter sweet, indulging them too much can be harmful. I am not talking about forgetting, no way is that possible. I am talking about negative memories that bring on guilt. We all have them I am sure. At first it was difficult for me because my wife had dementia and anyone who knows about that awful disease will understand. ‘Did I do enough’? Was I understanding enough’? All this goes through the mind. But when I began to ask for forgiveness from my wife after death, I realised there was nothing to really forgive. I did what I could within the limits of my then knowledge. ‘He/she did their best’ should be engraved on every tombstone. It’s all we can do. My wife never held grievances and I am sure that guilt would not enter her mind. So slowly I am beginning to resolve the guilt problem, and realising that in spite of the pain I have to try and move forward.
Blessings and peace be with you. Just a little at first but it’s beginning.
That’s nice Millie. I hope you enjoy these activities. Sending you love and hoping your feelings of guilt ease very soon. As Jonathan says, you know your husband the best and I’m sure he will want you to be happy rather than sad. Go with your heart always and remember to grab every tiny piece of happiness you can. Do the right thing for you and only you. Those who matter won’t mind and those who mind don’t matter… x
Good luck, Millie, life is for the living. Your husband will be very proud of you.
Several weeks ago, and completely out of the blue, a lady on the forum sent me a private message, and I responded and from that we built an online relationship. As I’ve been travelling a lot it was very comforting to have that online presence and the relationship has gone from strength to strength. Eventually we met and had a lovely day out and seem to be remarkably in tune. It’s been very good for me to have this friendship and I’m hopeful it will continue to grow. I know that she has major problems with guilt and her husband died only 5 months ago. I feel it’s important to give people all the space they need to deal with any issues that arise.
I think that ability to reach out and touch, and to be touched, has major therapeutic benefits. I don’t have any guilt as such as I know what my wife hoped I would be able to do, and she had time to tell me. Nobody could ever replace my wife but maybe someone could make a different mark.
Oh WOW YL. Fantastic. Good for you. Gosh, a real ray of hope in the gloom of berevwmwnt. Of corse you will never forget your wife and who says you should. 'Reach out and touch!! Yes indeed. SO important. We ned people and so many need us, even though we may feel alone and isolated we are not really. This site proves that. No one should fel guilt because they seek relief and, possibly, happiness. Our ;oved omew would have wanted us to be happy in one way or another. ood luck to you and best wishes.
Once again, it published before I had finished. So misspellings and all in the message. Is it me or the site? I suspect it’s me. Sorry!!
Hi Millie, my husband passed away 6 months ago. I recently met someone who is a widower. I have spent time with him and it has helped me a lot. I too have feelings of guilt. Do what makes you happy, whatever that may be. Our husbands would want us to be happy. I will always love my husband but we are in a new reality xx
I thought I’d better correct any misapprehension after reading your post.
I don’t anticipate that I will meet the lady again, but I think it’s just a good way of filling some of the void in continuing with an online relationship, more a friendship and source of support. It’s probably a modern version of what was once the PenPal.
It’s something that maybe many people could benefit from, and probably, some already do.