Took the wrong person…yes, this is the first thing I said this morning ( 5.20am ) when i got out of bed, well apart from telling Richard, ! lets face another day " followed by " I hate this life as it is now " they ( God ) took the wrong person, it should have been ME…
My today’s morning agenda is being collected by the Disable Society man who will take me to the post office so I can send off the PostPak parcel of Richard and hers ( his sister ) family photographs, then onto the camera shop where the owner takes passport photos so I can update me " blue badge " for another 3 years, then if time I will pop in my next blood pressure prescription in the surgery on the way back…Why is all my outings so glum, all because I have no car, live miles out of know where, lost my Richard, the dog-his dog has settled into a new home not far from me, but will be better looked after, have a better life, where he wont be at home maybe looking for, or pining for Richard…Of course this mornings trip is also going to cost me in the region of £40, money I cant really afford at the moment…Money to pay for the photos, money to pay for the two boxes being posted to two different people, money to pay for the Disable Society lift, my come and collect me, take me, and money to pay for the privileged of owning a Blue Badge…apologies for being disabled, having MS…to think I have to pay for a badge for something that came to me with no warning at age 64…
Not forgetting in the meantime Richards hard earnt savings being eaten up by the Solicor company month by month…My Richard would turn in his grave ( if he was in one, he was cremated ) if he knew how much their hourly charges are…he would be shocked, but what can one do? we all need them at this time, dont we?
Obviously it is depression setting in…at this moment in time I am hating this life but as my late father often would say to me…stop wishing your life away… " you are a longtime dead " my girl…Yes, life is for living but not my life at the moment it seems…all ended the day-morning I found my Richard dead in his armchair…
You see, i look back at my last 19 years and see how my-our life was so good, now I am being punished, life cant go on being so good forever can it? none of us can be that lucky…
Just wanted to send you sincere, compassionate thoughts Jackie. I understand why you say the wrong person was taken. I was/am the same. We think all kinds of things don’t we. I think when we lose our Partner we lose an innocence we never knew we had. You sound like a lady of immense fortitude and I can imagine that helps with the practical things but emotions are something else entirely aren’t they. Please take care of yourself.
Tina…
…your sad story sounds like mine…I too lost my Richard sitting in his armchair at home, the paramedics who surrounded him spent a longtime trying to bring him back but he was already gone…it was a heart blockage…
Hi Jackie, I really sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. I know you have an inner strength in you which will come. I still think sometimes that I should have gone when I had pneumonia and sepsis four years ago then I wouldn’t be going through this. But would I wish this on Simon? My counsellor has said he thinks I’m bottling everything up still. Keeping busy so I don’t have to think or remember things. I can’t drive and Simon did all the running about. Luckily I live within walking distance to the shops, Simon used to use his buggy as he couldn’t walk far. I still have his buggy in the garage and covered it with a blanket as I can’t bear to look at it. It’s still got his hat and gloves in the basket. I know I’m babbling a bit!
Take care Jackie. X
Hello Jackie. Hang in there, you will come through this. You have an inner strength I know. Don’t wish your life away, there must be a reason that Richard was taken before you. I know you can’t see it as yet though. Brian was such a nice person much better than me. I think I can say that most of us feel were being punished, were not sure why, but the pain is so horrible.
Have a good day out, suspect it might be raining as it is here and were on the same line for the rain. Let me know what sort of day you’ve had when you return if you feel up to it.
Take care Pat xxx