Hi Tina, I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you are. I’m so pleased you’ve visited your mam again and that it’s like a nice garden. It’s not silly to think that you are going to your mams. I do hope it brings you some comfort. Maybe in time it will become comforting and routine to go there. You could plant flowers around the grave, spring bulbs for next year and maybe pansies for summer. Mam always had pansies round the pond. It’s like they have little faces. Maybe take some battery operated fairy lights for when you go. I got a lovely buddha lotus flower lamp from Amazon which has all different colours. It’s lovely and small enough to fit in a handbag. Maybe the light would be a torch to guide her to you when you go.
Nobody has even phoned me since collecting the ashes. I’ve been in absolute despair and not able to open the curtains for 2 days. But I got dressed and visited my therapist today. All I did was cry for mam. Before I went in I pretended to ring her like I would normally do for a chat because I’m always early. It just upset me and made me realise I’ll never chat to her again and have nobody else to call. I explained how frightened I feel being so alone without mam. It terrifies me, even though I have lived alone for years and am self reliant. I just can’t leave her behind and start doing stuff. I have no energy. I watched Vera tonight and was actually comforted because it was our favourite programme. But then I was so sad that she’ll never see a new episode of anything she liked. I’m so exhausted with crying I can’t do it anymore.
I’m so desperate for company that I started replying to other people with their posts. I didn’t know how to navigate either at first and didn’t reply. There’s a young girl who does a podcast for teenagers who is truly inspiring. I just don’t know where she gets her strength from to move forward. My therapist says I should start doing things I enjoyed before which didn’t involve mam. I blog for a textile magazine but haven’t done anything since mam went into hospital in November. I was putting up trellises in the garden and there are 2 panels to finish. It’s like I wouldn’t love mam enough if I was able to not think about her and do something else. My whole world stopped when she did and nothing I did means anything now. I’m so exhausted I can’t even cry tonight. But I’m sure when I turn off the light it will start again.
It really is just getting through each hour and day at a time. Someone said to try to find one good thing a day and write it in a diary. I have no good things to write. I don’t know how people are able to work and look after children when their whole world has exploded.
I’m wondering if anyone will phone me tomorrow or if they just don’t care.
Night x
Hi Christine.
Something you just said about the pansies brought a memory back for me that Mum would say as she said pansies had little kitten faces, and they do!
I do get it about doing things and you think you shouldn’t. With me (when I lost my Husband), it was a case of I felt guilty at the thought of having a life and engaging in stuff when he couldn’t. That hurt a lot. With Mum I haven’t been doing anything yet to speak of, so haven’t felt it. I feel bad though being in my Sister’s car as Mum would love Spring flowers and blossom trees and my Sister would take her out in her car to the park. I also rebelled at the thought of “getting better” after losing my Husband as I thought if I left the pain behind I was leaving him behind and I couldn’t deal with that. At the moment it’s too early with Mums loss to think of anything I’m just still stunned. My Brother has told my Sister she has to take me out. I don’t want to go out. He doesn’t want me turning into a liability I think. I just don’t want to join the rat-race of life though. Anyway that’s enough of me ranting.
I like the sound of your Buddha and I’m going to have a look on Amazon in a moment.
I’m sorry to hear things haven’t improved with your Sister’s. Once they can see things more clearly they’ll realise they could have treated you better, I’m sure there is no malice to them, just grief but I know that doesn’t make your circumstances any less painful. I hope your Dad is bearing up as well.
At least as much as he can. Hope your Cat is doing OK, have you had since it’s kitten days?
I’m pleased you have a therapist, he must be a true life-line for you.
Hope you sleep a bit. x
Hiya Tina,
It is like being stunned by the shock. Even this morning I was hit again by the reality. It really is real and I don’t know what to do with that. It is hard enough coping with mam not being here and aching for her but I also know how upset she would be at how everyone is bullying me into taking medication. They won’t listen to me. They have no understanding of how devastated I am and don’t know how I will live out the rest of my life without her. She is everything to me. I just want to hide. Each day blurs into the next and I carry the comments everyone has made about me being ‘mental’. When I said that my mam has died and I’m devastated my sister said ‘she was my mam as well’ and I just don’t know what to do with that. My grief is my own. It isn’t a competition. It is not more than my sisters grief. I can’t even have a conversation with my dad. He said he’s not in the state I’m in and he has lost his wife of 55 years. Why can they not understand how much I loved mam? Why am I not allowed to be so distressed that my whole world has collapsed? It feels like being bullied. It sounds like your brother doesn’t want to have to look after you. Why can’t family just deal with their own emotion and leave everyone else to deal with theirs?
It’s so true about the guilt attached to moving on. Mam loved the spring. She’ll never see the bulbs she planted (I planted for her) flower. She was so sad to leave her old house. I don’t want my baskets to flower because it reminds me that she isn’t here. I might just let me garden die. I can’t bear to nurture it because mam inspired me to be a gardener and she isn’t here to talk to and ask advice.
It seems very unreal again. I have segments of time where I shift into a space where mam hasn’t died, it isn’t happening and I’m not reacting. But all the time I’m waiting to return to the despair which is my realm now. Disbelief, shock, panic, despair, guilt, devastation.
If I didn’t have my Porscha I wouldn’t get out of bed at all. She was a baby and is now about 15, though she still looks so young. She is so spoilt! I know I said about moving away as a reaction to my sister moving and having to rehome her but I will have to wait until she dies because I couldn’t do that to her. She would be so frightened and I know how that feels. She’s my baby.
The buddhist lotus light is about £15. I have mine on in the bedroom to guide mam to me but she hasn’t come back to me. I hope she is happy and at peace wherever she is. I miss her so much. I get pains in my chest and palpitations with panic and wonder if I’ll die of a heart attack because she had a bad heart. I know it’s the symptoms of fear and panic. I’m not going to die. Its such a long road ahead before I am with her again. x
Hi Tina, I just wanted to tell you about Homeshare UK where you could have a person live with you (need a spare bedroom) for a fair rent and they help with chores around the house and whatever you need. Someone mentioned it for me with my agoraphobia when my sister moves away. I don’t have a spare room and so it’s not an option. But I did think of you. It could be something to explore if you couldn’t stay at your mams with your brother in the future. Having a person to do stuff with would be company for so many people on here who have lost a partner or parent. I think it’s a wonderful idea and was so pleased she shared it with me.
It’s mams 80th on Wed. and I was very upset that she won’t get her birthday card in time. I’m sending it to me because dad will be either upset or very annoyed. I wanted to celebrate with fireworks and chinese lanterns, a mam rosebush for the garden. But I can’t do any of those things because of the situation with everyone. I can’t stop myself crying if I am with them and they will start banging on about medication again. I can’t go in the garden or look after the rose if I did get it. Mam would tell me it doesn’t matter but it matters that I celebrate her on the day even if she isn’t with me.
I managed to wash my hair but I’m still not ready. I’m living in a twilight zone of darkness because I can’t open my curtains. The neighbours are so nosy. I’ve heard the comments about how grief stricken I am because I can’t stop crying and they can obviously hear me.
Seeing my therapist again tomorrow. Just feel numb at the mo. Think I’m so exhausted that I don’t have the energy to cry or be emotional.
Take care xxx
Hello Christine
How kind of you to suggest the Homeshare. I’m like you I don’t have a room as my married home is a 1bedroom flat. But it was kind of you to think of me. It’s a really good idea.
I hope everything goes well on your Mum’s 80th birthday. It doesn’t matter if the card doesn’t get delivered on time. I would imagine there’s a lot of love and thought put into it, that’s all that matters. You might be able to do some of the things you wanted on your own even with your family circumstances being strained but if not there’ll be other things you may think of before the day that would be just as special.
I’ve had a really bad today today, Im sure I’m losing my mind. Keep getting these overwhelming feelings if hopelessness and despair. Don’t want to go out still, just want to hide, don’t feel when. The only escape is sleeping which too is becoming a problem.
Sorry your neighbours are nosy, that’s not a helpful situation at all. Sometimes, you just want to be invisible fir a bit.
I’m going to go to be bed soon as I’m cold and I’m in the house on my own again.
You did well washing your hair - I wouldn’t like to confess when I washed my hair, it’s a massive effort.
We’ll have a peaceful night as much as possible. x
I always think of you and wonder how you are doing. Today I’ve been quite numb. Totally exhausted. I’m so overwhelmed about mams birthday that I don’t have the energy to try to think of anything else I could do. It’s extra upsetting because we were going to have a big party for her. I’ve reached a sadness where I can’t feel anything else, no emotion to even cry. I’ve been hiding in the dark for 3 days now, apart from seeing my therapist. All I did was ball my eyes out. I’m so devastated it’s hard to describe but hopeless and despair are certainly my new friends now. It really is an intense rollercoaster. I keep thinking I can’t feel any worse than I just did and then I’m surprised by how much worse it can get. Don’t give up. Someone said tomorrow is a new day. You know it will be bad, but it is a new start. Sleep, however little, gives some respite to be able to start again. People sail through life not knowing about this until it happens. It’s just so hard.
Pop the heating on just to warm up while you’re in bed. It won’t make you feel better but you’ll be a bit more comfortable. I’ve been going to bed fully dressed in tracksuits, hoodies and jogging bottoms. Night and day merge into one long space of being awake.
It’s a shame about the Homeshare but I just wanted to let you know.
Take care and I will be posting later on tonight I’m sure. It’s the only thing I seem to be able to do and find comfort or a connection to others when they respond.
Much love xxx
Just seeing how you are today Tina. I hope you have a better day today. I’m seeing my therapist later. Just woke up and I’m so upset, wondering how long mam had cancer and didn’t know. Trying to work out when she stopped eating properly. She must have spent such a lot of time on her own in bed. I would phone up and she would be lying down. I didn’t question why she didn’t feel well. I could have spent all that time with her, talking to her, telling her what a wonderful mam she is and thanked her for being her. She must have spent so much time on her own and in in pain before calling out the paramedics. I was so determined to finish the garden before winter that I was quite happy to just carry on, knowing I couldn’t go with her in the ambulance or even to the hospital because of covid, and she always came home because they couldn’t find anything wrong with her heart. She didn’t tell them about the pain in her stomach. It became routine. Unstable angina. All the wasted time I could have been with her. She would have stayed with me if that was me. Why didn’t I see what was happening? And now it’s too late. I kept thinking I’ll finish this and then we have all the lovely things to do at Christmas with the decoration and buying pressies and ordering the food etc. I feel so guilty that I wasn’t a better person, that I was happy to be told there’s nothing I could do to help and mam would be home soon. The guilt haunts me. I can’t get past it. I should have driven over there every time she went in and waited until she came out. Why does nobody else feel that? Not knowing doesn’t take it away.
Hello Christine.
I too have been plagued with the same thoughts as you describe. They’ve been so intense recently that I’ve been absolutely beside myself with anxiety. I even emailed the Samaritan’s and said I didn’t even feel “worthy” of grieving for Mum. I should be trying to help you by being positive and encouraging but it would be hypocritical of me and sometimes people just need empathy and understanding in their feelings, I hope you’ve not been upset by anything I’ve said as it comes from a kind place.
From what you describe Christine, there’d be many Mum’s out there who wishes they had a daughter just like you. Showing love and kindness isn’t about big gestures it’s about millions of tiny little things. There’s no grounds in saying you wished you were a better person because you clearly were a better person. If you were used to your Mum coming in and out of hospital, you would have had no reason to suspect anything different was going to happen, why should you have. Sadly for us, there’s no other person that can punish as harshly and fiercely as we punish ourselves, there just isn’t. Along with remorse maybe we punish ourselves as we feel it’s the one thing we can still do for our loved ones, or it’s the sub-concious mind trying to reconcile and make peace with what’s happened. Maybe even we do it to keep our loved ones in our mind. I’m glad I’m not a therapist, I’d probably have been sacked by now!
I hope you feel calmer a little bit after you have your session later on. I’m always here, not cheerful but here nonetheless. x
Tina you don’t need to to make anyone else feel better. The point in posting is to express how you are feeling and everyone on here does the same. I feel better that I have people who understand how desperate I am. That is what you need to focus on. Express the emotion, however extreme, and let them out. I always feel drained afterwards and come to a point where I cannot even cry anymore. Nothing you ever say would upset me or anyone else. You are grieving and it is a long, hard process. I surprise myself when I can give ‘advice’ like this. But I can’t do it for myself. I know I’m punishing myself for whatever I could have done. If we knew what would happen in the future we wouldn’t have full lives and just be concentrating on the ones we love. And I’m sure we would all drive each other mad! Will post this and get back to you when I get in from my session as I’m running late. Love x
Tina you are so very kind. I always tried my hardest and was determined to see her despite my anxiety in trying to leave the house and then having to return. Mam knew what it took to do that. I am hardest on myself for not making her life perfect. My therapist says to let go of the grief brings you closer to the person, because grief is not then standing between you. I just can’t let her go and start doing stuff that just isn’t important. My whole life could collapse around me (and it is) and I wouldn’t care, apart from my little Porscha. And my being upset about her birthday tomorrow is silly because she isn’t here and if she was here I would have got her something lovely as I always did (and on time). Mam was very easy going and could see past the gestures. I know she knew how much I loved her because she knew me as a person and how loving and sensitive I am (I can finally admit that to myself but not sure how I arrived here). I think I’ve been so deeply overwhelmed I have completely broken and maybe now I’m able to start seeing outside of that. Probably not. Maybe this is just a moment of clarity because I’ve been to therapy. And the way my sisters are trying to fix me with medication is because they want me to be the one to care for dad because I live closest. My agoraphobia seems to just be a condition they skip over with no understanding or wanting to accept it is real and cannot be fixed. They won’t listen to me. I’m not telling them how to grieve and if they are grieving enough. They would be outraged. And why would I do that? And yet they seem to think that they can tell me what I need to do. I haven’t contacted either of them or answered their call yesterday. I haven’t got the energy to fight or explain. It’s a waste of time. They talk about being responsible but want me to take the burden and I will not and cannot do it. I don’t know what this thing is about dad having to be looked after. He’s a grown man and doesn’t want any help. They are forcing this situation onto him and he doesn’t even know it’s happening. He’s more than capable of living independently. I don’t see my sisters trying to help me at all or offering me support in my grief. It just shouldn’t be like this. I thought families were supposed to come together and be supportive, not try to bully and guilt-trip one into taking over mam’s role of looking after dad. She put up with a lot and that’s probably why I wanted her to have had a happy and stress free life. I know she was happy and loved us all and was loved in return. I just wish she didn’t have the stress she had.
I hope you are having a better day than yesterday. I do feel like I have a better understanding of what is going on in the family and why they directed their attention to me. I’m just keeping a low profile, hiding in my bedroom in the dark, waiting for the evening when I put the tv just so I can get a rest from crying and wanting my mam. It’s becoming a routine now and there’s some good tv on. At least that part of my day is normal. But throughout the day and at bedtime all I do is give myself a hard time about all the things I could have /should have done differently. I’m so exhausted by it.
I’m going to pop Judge Judy on and give myself a break. Keep posting. I’ve done it so intensively it’s like therapy but it is helping.
Love xxx
Hello Christine
Thought of you today. Hope you have had some serenity and peaceful moments.
Such is life I can imagine not everything went to plan. That doesn’t even matter as you can try again.
Did you buy a rose after all? Container roses are also nice to have in the garden too.
Just wondered if your family had shared the day with you too at some point.
Peaceful thoughts go out to you. x
Hi Christine,
Thinking of you today x
Suzanne
Hi Tina,
I had a good start feeding the birds after being inspired by Neil’s post about his robin and posted flowers, candles and thoughts to mam’s tribute site but then got very upset and couldn’t do anything else. Still waiting for my birthday card for her and I haven’t ordered my rose yet. Just feel unable to do it. But I have lit a candle for her and have fairy lights and battery candles around my buddha shrine for her. Just wish I had her ashes but I wasn’t able to do it on Friday. It will be 8 weeks tomorrow that she left us. xxx
Hi Christine,
I meant to ask you that I saw your post saying you couldn’t get any of your mum’s ashes but if you had any of her hair (I know that sounds a bit gross) but some companies can put hair or ashes in to a bit jewellery that you could have with you x
Just a thought,
Suzanne
I love the idea of the fairy lights and and candles around your Buddha. That must be really calming and soothing as well as a lovely memorial. I’d love to hear more about the rose when you get it. I think they are a wonderful way to honour loved ones.
Hope you have some sleep. x
Hi Suzanne, I got a lock of her hair when she was at the chapel of rest and I will get some of her ashes for my little faberge egg (a present from mam one Christmas). It was very traumatic collecting her and I didn’t want to disturb her because the bag was sealed. I was too upset. I will add her to my buddha shrine on the mantle piece where she will be at peace in the candlelight. I’ll hang my memory tags from the mirror with ivy and fairy lights. I have incense oils to burn too. It’s very restful and I hope to feel close to her when I do bring her home. I watch tv from about 8 to late so I’ll have a lot of time just to sit with her. It will feel like she is staying over and we can watch our favourite programmes together. Today was very sad because it was her birthday and her lovely card didn’t arrive on time. But she’ll love it. I’ve had a look for rose bushes and there’s so many to choose from, even purple which was her favourite colour. So I’m feeling better than I did before. My sister rang and then texted telling me she has had to take time off work because she is too upset. She spoke with a priest at Durham Cathedral (she knows someone who works there) but didn’t say if it helped her. She’s really not coping at all. But then she was being strong for my dad while he was staying up there so I think it’s hitting her now. My other sister called round to see if I was ok but I was too upset to let her in. I just want to hide from the world.
Love xxx
Hi Tina, I’ll post pics of my buddha altar to mam. I still have to get her ashes but I’ve got it set up ready. It is lovely with the candles and fairy lights. Relaxing and soothing. I’ll hang my memory tags from the mirror too which symbolizes everything I love about her. It’s in the sitting room where I watch tv so it will be like she is staying over and we are just sitting peacefully together.
I eventually started looking at roses on Amazon and they have such a wide range to choose from, even purple which was her favourite colour. I’m still waiting for her card. But I did post candles and cards and messages and created a timeline of her life on the tribute site. It was hard doing it because I was so very upset today, trying to celebrate mam on my own when she isn’t here. I feel like there is an empty space where she used to be and it sits with me wherever I am in the house. I’ve stopped crying throughout the day. Think I have so few tears left and I don’t have the energy to create enough emotion to cry. Totally worn out.
My angry sister called today to see if I was ok but I couldn’t let her in. She wasn’t angry. But I don’t know why she’s checking on me when she’s going to be moving as soon as she can. Seems pointless. My other sister phoned and then texted saying she’s had to take time off work because she just can’t stop crying. She was being strong for dad while he was staying with her and now he’s beck home she has to deal with her grief. She spoke to a priest but didn’t say if it helped her. I just can’t talk to anyone apart from my therapist and want to hide away. But at least I opened my curtains today and got dressed.
Hope your day was not too painful. But if it was there’s always a new day tomorrow. I find I am relieved when evening comes because it’s another day done. I’m glad it’s winter and I can hide in the house with the curtains closed. Can’t imagine feeling any different by Spring but I’m sure all the bulbs and flower baskets will be upsetting because mam won’t be here to see them.
Feeling really down. I was going to say I’m going to have an early night but then realised the time, though it is earlier than usual.
Night hun xxx