TOTALLY ALONE

Just found out my sister is moving and I will be totally alone. I will be totally housebound again. I cannot travel alone to see dad now that he is on his own. He will have to move near to either sister because I cannot look after him. I cannot look after myself. I won’t be able to leave the house. If the neighbours break into my house I will have no one to help me. When mam left it felt like I was just waiting to die, filling in time until I could sleep again. I never wanted to wake up. Now I will be unable to ask for help because nobody will be here. I am so frightened. I will have to get rid of my car and not leave the house at all. This makes me a target for the neighbours to break in. Was going for mams ashes Friday with sister and dad. Don’t know if I can leave the house at all now. The need to be with her now is bigger than ever. I wanted to crawl into her coffin and curl up next to her at the chapel of rest, and never leave. I cannot be alone. I cannot be without her. I need to be with her and I can’t tell her. She cannot hear me. She isn’t here. She hasn’t visited me. The white feathers have gone from the garden. I thought she would last forever. I could not imagine life without her. I feel so alone. It hurts to be awake. I cannot be here without her. My home is a tomb and my reality was not real. Everything is fake. I cannot be without her. She was so worried about leaving me because my sister told me but won’t tell me the conversation. I can’t leave my cat behind. She is old and frightened. I am a child again and cannot function in the world. Mam was my whole world. She made everything seem better than it truly was. I am so frightened to be here without her. I never realised she would die first. I could never see beyond my agoraphobia and being trapped. Dad will be next. I just don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be awake. I can’t bear it. I need to just not wake up ever again. I’m not able tp be here. I need mam to help me. Mam I need you more now than I have ever needed you. I just want to be with you and you left me behind. Why did you go without me? I need to be with you mam.

3 Likes

That is heartbreaking Christine it’s awful when loved ones leave us behind. I’m sure your mum wants you to carry on can you get careers help. have a word with your doctor tell him you need help. How long has it been since mum died. Try talking to your family and friends see if they can help you more . Thinking of you x

1 Like

Hi @christine51

I’m so sorry to hear about your mam. I’m hearing how painful this is all feeling and I want you to know that you’re not alone. There’s always someone out there to help you through this. As misprint says, your GP would be a good person to approach about how you are feeling.

If you do feel these thoughts of wanting everything to end get too much, you can reach out to one of the following organisations who are always just a call or text away anytime you would like someone to talk to:

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
  • If you have any concerns for your health or safety, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.

If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You deserve this support Christine, keep reaching out.

Take care,

Mick
Online Community team

Hello Christine
I haven’t private messaged you as I usually would have, as I didn’t like to intrude. Needless to say I hope you are as OK as circumstances allow. I can sense you are in incredible emotional pain and hope you would be able to contact a professional if you are so unwell you aren’t able to cope.
Each and everyone of us here are only to willing to lend a listening ear as well.
Stay safe x

1 Like

Your note is heartbreaking. I am so sorry. After five years, I am so very lost without my mother still. I think I know how you feel. Anguish, unrelenting anguish. I try to carry on and I do but when things sour, all I can think of is how much I need my parents.

For single women, it is very bad. You are not alone in your devastation. You are early in your grief. But all parents tell us chin up, because they know one day we must carry on without them and I am sorry that that day has come for you. They come for us all. You have your dad. Do not make the mistake of ignoring him. You will heal bit by tender bit. Do not forget him. You will not want to miss out on that time, together.

Life is so hard on us sensitive, childlike ones. The closer we are to our parents, the harder it is to lose them. Try to be brave for your mum, when you are able. It is hard to be brave but sometimes, we must.

4 Likes

It is 6 weeks today that mam left and my angry sister was being nice to me for a change yesterday when we checked on the house. She told me she is moving with her family. It is like they have now died because I won’t see them ever again. I am now trapped at home totally alone with no help if anything happens to me. My next door neighbour drilled through the loft wall wall last year and got in my house through the loft hatch. The wall has been rebuilt but I couldn’t prove what he did because I didn’t have camera’s set up. Neighbours in the street are like something you would see on the tv - anti social and have behaviour orders to control them. I am trapped by my agoraphobia, ptsd and panic attacks. I have nobody at all to help me now when she moves. I cannot just sit in this house and wait to die. I will have to rehome my cat who I love and sell everything I have got, buy a camper van to live in and join a commune somewhere so they can look after me. But I am so claustrophobic that it is not an option. I could live on a barge but wouldn’t be able to fix it if it broke. I can’t fix a camper van if I broke down. I am totally alone now. I cannot sit in this house and wait to die. Mam was the only one who understood how difficult life is for me. If I get rid of all my stuff and have no possessions I can drive away if I have to and never come back. I feel so frightened being here alone. My family do not understand why I feel totally abandoned. I am a child. Mam always expected my sister to look out for me and she was my carer for years. Now mam is not here she is leaving me behind. My other sister is angry that I am abandoning dad but I cannot look after myself never mind be there for him. I don’t know when she is moving, whenever she finds a house so I have to do something before that happens. I won’t see my family again. It is better this way. I can’t just sit around waiting to die. What I really ever wanted is to be with mam. I miss her so much. I need to find a loving home for my cat. She is old and nervous and needs a quiet loving person to care for her (with a garden, no children). If I move away I won’t have my therapist. He is the only person I see weekly for an hour. I don’t leave my house at all apart from that and won’t have the opportunity to now that my sister and her family are leaving. I cannot continue to live in fear, inside my house and outside. This was always an ongoing situation which mam helped me with and I caused her so much stress. She would be so upset seeing the state I am now in and desperately trying to do something about my situation. I cannot be the reason my sister stays. We have a very volatile relationship anyway. She seems top have always resented caring for me. It is because of stalking that I have ptsd and panic. I miss my mam so much. I just want to be with her.

3 Likes

Is there a possibility that she won’t move after all when it comes to it? Maybe she could feeling stressed and not thinking straight and it could just be a moment of madness situation. I’d hate to think of you getting rid of your cat prematurely and it all be for nothing. You mention you have some undesirables as neighbours, I know how distressing that can be. I was wondering if you live in a council property the council may find you somewhere where the neighbours are a bit older, say a bungalow or ground floor flat etc. Somewhere that’s better but still local. I’m not young, I’m in my 50’s but I “want my Mum” and still think she is at hospital, so I understand you being scared. Only you know best and you sound as if you are in a desperate situation but if you can, allow yourself a bit of thinking time and make a judgement when it feels right just for you. Take care.

1 Like

Hi Tina,
This is tearing the family apart. Mam would be so distraught. Dad got back today and our conversation was about him thinking I need to be on medication, along with my two sisters because they think I’m not coping. I am grieving for mam (7 weeks today) and now reacting to the bombshell of my sister moving away. She is being helped to move and just has to find somewhere so whenever that happens she will go. I cannot stay here alone with no one to help me. My other sister up north thinks I am selfish for wanting to move away from dad. He feels totally abandoned. I was housed by the council due to stalking because I was not able to live independently when my parents retired and I have made the best of it. I decorated throughout last year, laid flooring throughout the loft and have a mature garden. I brought plants from my parents house when they downsized, to keep their old garden alive. I will just have to walk away from it all. My family do not understand that not having anyone close by isolates me even more than I was before. Mam kept the peace and now she’s gone everyone thinks they can tell me what to do. I don’t need medication. I have ptsd with panic because of what has happened to me. No tablet will make that better. I was able to negotiate my day because mam listened and helped me and I would make plans to fill my time. I don’t have that now and my therapist is very busy. My family will not listen to me or accept that I have a choice to not do what they say. I have a right to grieve in any way I choose. I miss my mam. I want her back. I cannot be a target for my family because they think I should stay where I am. They aren’t living here. If I run out of food and can’t go to a shop because of panic my cat will starve. If I have no internet I have no control. Mam always knew what to do. I thought I was starting to get a grip on some days. I washed my hair and did some dishes. Now it’s like blind panic that I am being left behind. And nobody understands why I would think that. They do not feel frightened and trapped and vulnerable. I haven’t got the energy to move and start over again. There is no guarantee that I will be housed in a normal street with normal people. Council housing in London is for the most needy. I just want to be left alone and that makes me a target. I wish I still lived in my old bedroom at home with mam and dad. Mam was the only one who understood. No one else will listen to me or they take things the wrong way. They push and don’t understand that it makes me panic and want to get as far away from them as I can. I need them to leave me alone. I feel bullied by everyone.

I’ve managed to calm down a bit but still cannot stay here. The pressure on me from family, their expectations that I will do stuff with dad, visit him and he come here, just isn’t realistic. They do not understand that the more pressure on me to do what they want makes me panic and not be able to do anything. Mam understood and defended me when dad didn’t understand. I cannot fight with my whole family on top of losing mam. Dad telling me what to do is not helping me. It feels like I cannot breathe. I wish I’d kept my mouth shut and not told anybody how I feel in response to my sister moving. I can’t fathom that she doesn’t understand why I feel so trapped being left here. She is 5 mins away in an emergency if I had one. Now I have no one. The more dad pushes to be the person to call on the more I want to move away. I’m so exhausted. Mam was right about her family breaking up before she died. We’ve never got on but this is worse than not speaking. I am being blamed for upsetting everyone. I just don’t want to wake up. Dreading tomorrow collecting mams ashes but I need to have her with me. I have a lovely little china egg to keep her in. Don’t want to go because I cannot face being attacked. That is how it feels. I have no one on my side. I cannot be who they want me to be. I have not changed but their perception of me has. Thank you for listening to me ranting. It was such a massive shock after mam. I am so afraid of dieing in my sleep and not being found. I’d rather not be here so my family don’t have to deal with that. I’ll have to tell the gp I have no next of kin so they aren’t contacted. I just cannot deal with death. I don’t understand it and I don’t want to. I just want my mam so she will tell everyone to leave me alone.

Hello Christine, Just a couple of brief lines to say I hope things go as well as can be expected when you pick up your Mum’s ashes, you seem to have been waiting for them for such a long time. I imagine having them will be a source of comfort.
I’m sorry the situation with your family has escalated, it seems like things have exploded from nowhere although I can recall you saying you thought there was something going on with your Sister but you didn’t know what, either way, it’s devastating for you. You are so right Christine about things falling apart and family falling out when Mum’s aren’t there to keep watch. Mum’s are often the peacemaker’s, protector’s and the strongest link in a family and I can see how upset you are about things - it would be surprising if you weren’t upset, they are your family. Bearing in mind what’s happening later today for you it maybe that the atmosphere with your siblings turns out to be a bit calmer and you’ll feel a degree of peace. I hope so. Kind wishes.

I’ve started looking for info on living in a commune. I wonder if they will take my little cat too. Will have to look into it. The fear of being here alone is overwhelming. My sister says she’s not going now because of my reaction and the family say I am emotionally blackmailing my sister into staying. I’m not. It feels like I am totally separate to them without mam. Nobody understands my world and how I get through the day. They want to fix me instead of being supportive. It’s a group thing I ma not part of. I am too damaged to be fixed but they will not accept me for who I am. Mam would know what to say. She would tell them to leave me alone. But she’s not here. I realise she’s never coming back and I cannot even grieve for her because of all this other stuff going on. I just want to walk out of my life and disappear but I can’t because I can’t leave my little cat or take her with me. I’m trapped more than I ever imagined I was because of mam leaving me. I wish I could have taken her place, given her my liver (spread from gall bladder to liver) so she could keep going. I just can’t be without her. She is everything to be. Most precious. She’ll never know how desperate I fee to be without her. I’m dreading tomorrow but need to collect her ashes so I can have her next to me when I am asleep. I hope I will feel close to her then.

1 Like

You are so kind Tina. I’m dreading today. I haven’t seen Dad since before Christmas and don’t want to fight with him or my sister. Wearing a lovely coffee coloured lace dress like mams wedding dress. She never got to see it because I was keeping it for Christmas day. I’m wearing it for her. Running late because I was still awake at 4 this morning. Waiting for my water to heat up. Phoned sister and she was ok when I explained. Realised I’ll never do this conversation again when she moves. It is like the death of her and family to not have them here. Coming up on the train for a visit is not the same as her being here. She doesn’t want to understand. It’s been 7 weeks now for mam. I miss her so much. Today is going to be so hard but at least mam will be with me at last. I’ll update later if I’m able to. xxx

Thinking of you Christine for today xx

1 Like

I am so upset. I hardly spoke to anyone (dad, sister, niece). They were acting like today was on their to do list. My sister actually tutted at me because I wouldn’t take the labels my other sister had laminated for me. Am I the only person in this family who actually feels something? Its as if there is something wrong with me. I had to sit in the garden and then in the car. At the crem I stood in the space where mams coffin had been after the service and just cried. Why am I the only one to be this upset? I don’t understand it. Then nobody would do some of mams ashes into my little china egg and so I haven’t even brought mam home. I just couldn’t face opening the bag. It looked like a pharmacy bag, sealed with her name in a box in a bag, like a fancy store bag. I didn’t want to disturb her. I weighed her though and in all she was only 5 pounds, including the bag and box. Less than my little Porscha. I’m devastated. There’s a finality to it, like that’s it, its over until she is laid to rest in her parents grave. I thought I was going to be sick in the car on the journey and then felt trapped because the safety lock was on. I feel so desperately alone without mam. I sat in her bedroom. I wanted to lie down where she lay and look out over the rooftops but the bed had been moved. It’s like she never occupied a space and dad has made it his own. He’s off to the pub to see his mate. I don’t understand how they can laugh and carry on like mam isn’t missing. Why am I the odd one out? I wish I was with her. It’s like my connection to everyone has already gone, dissolved along with mam. It seems they are all looking forward to moving on with their life, putting mam behind them, like she went years ago. How is this not still raw for them. I have to hide expressing any emotion. That is why I spent my time in the bedroom, alone. They will all say I need to be on pills. My sister had a conversation with my niece in the car going over so I know the gp has upped her dose on whatever it is she is on. It’s like she wants me to know. It seems I am abnormal to be upset that my mam is not here and will never come back. I wish I could just cuddle up to her on the bed, even if she is sleeping as she often would. I feel completely alone. Mam would be so upset if she could see what was happening. I wish she was still at the chapel of rest so I could see her one last time. If I lived by the sea I would swim out and not stop so I wouldn’t be able to get back and be with mam. I am that sad that she isn’t here. Did nobody else love her?

1 Like

Christine I can feel the sadness in your words. What a very hard day you have had you must be exhausted love. Your mum will have been watching over you I’m sure and seeing how much your heart is breaking. Hope you can find some peace and have you thought about doing something with your mums ashes I know somepeople have jewellery made with ashes in it might be nice for you to have her with you always. Sending love xx

It feels like she’s just died all over again. Why is nobody else bothered? I hope mam isn’t watching how they are behaving. She would be so upset. I was heartbroken at the crem. I didn’t want my niece with me. I am so alone without mam. I wanted to keep her by my bed so I might dream of her. I’m having horrific nightmares about people breaking into my house while I’m in it. I have nobody to talk to because my family are so judgmental and do not understand why I am this distraught. Thank you for replying so quickly. I’m in my bedroom with the curtains drawn and just want to go to sleep and not wake up again. My life is so empty without her in it.

1 Like

I keep panicking and thinking ‘this can’t be real, why has it happened?’ I look at photos from her on holiday before she left me and just can’t accept it. I like to think she is still on holiday. Mam told my sister how worried she was about leaving me behind because of my agoraphobia and panic, wanting my sister to look out for me but now mam is gone my sister can’t wait to move away so I’ll have each sister at opposite ends of the country. Nobody wants to see or hear how destroyed I am and that taking pills will fix me. I don’t want to dilute what I feel for mam. I didn’t think I could feel this devastated. It is unbearable. I wish I had died in her place. I don’t want to wake up.

2 Likes

Hello Christine.

I am really sorry that you have had such a shocking day. Although it was always going to be upsetting I hoped you’d be feeling more at ease and comforted. It’s sad that it didn’t work out that way today but after the tension and trauma of today is over, things may be different tomorrow. I can understand you being apprehensive and upset over the prospect of putting ashes in your egg. I have my Husband’s ashes and in 5 years I still wouldn’t be able to do that. Would the funeral director or crematorium be willing to do that for you do you think?

You had a much deeper relationship with your Mum than your siblings didn’t you so of course you will be more deeply affected and it’s sad your sister’s cannot see that and support you accordingly. Your sister’s were like “visitors” to your Mum possibly. You said you had “an everyday relationship” and that creates a closeness that’s just not there with adult children that only call occasionally. I was like that with my Sister, she’d come and then go and she’d only see a snapshot of Mum, not the whole picture. I suppose if spouses and children are involved it isn’t their fault but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be able to appreciate that you have that deeper bond and as a result of that things are more intense for you. Your reason for being is tied to your Mum. My Sister and my Brother have got work, kids, partner’s, friends etc but I had only Mum, so now I have only nothing. That’s a bit miserable of me but it’s just a fact. I’m not a “mixer” and I don’t really like socialising so I’m probably missing the day to day absence of Mum more. I’m annoyed as well with my Brother as he’s been doing stuff in the house, we both live there and officially it’s his house but it seems like Mum’s presence is being diluted. I’m scared it will be undetectable. Also, he insists on using the “D” word instead of “passed away”. The “D” word terrifies me to be honest and I know it’s just personal preference but I just panic when I hear it.

I’m sorry again that your family didn’t pull together, and as you say made the day feel like it’s something they needed to do. Maybe they felt the emotions but not how to show them. Probably when the enormity of what’s happened finally hits home for your Dad he’ll feel the full force of things. If he’s been away he’ll probably have to forge a new routine.

In all of this try not to forget that out of all your siblings, it was you that was the privileged one. That’s little help when you have excruciating emotional pain but no-one can take that closeness from you.

Hope you have some peace tonight. x

Hi Tina, I gave my egg to my sister but the bag was sealed and we were told to do it at home. I knew I had to go today to collect mam but didn’t expect to replay the trauma of the service at the crem. There had just been a service when we arrived. I couldn’t bear to look at the flowers and see all the trees planted for their loved ones. I howled outside. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t keep it in. And my sister and niece watched me and I didn’t know. I had to sit on the ground. All they can see is that I am ‘mental’ because they aren’t upset.
It is true that I have always been very close to mam. My angry sister told me that I was the favourite and protected and treated like a child. I like being her special one. That is comforting. But to not have her does leave me with nothing. My sisters are furious that I’m not there for dad and just concentrating on mam. I have no room for anyone or anything but mam and they don’t understand. I don’t want anything other than being able to grieve for mam and the fighting and anger and bullying has diluted my grief because it is in my head alongside mam and she would be so upset. She always tried to keep the peace and was always so stressed. I can understand why now. There’s a pressure and resentment towards me. It isn’t because I have done anything to them. I just cannot control my desperation at losing mam. I cannot say the ‘D’ word either. I want it to be a more gentle expression so it doesn’t make it real. My sisters would be furious to be called ‘visitors’ but it is true. It makes sense. Maybe they are angry at me because they feel guilty that they didn’t do more. I was over every other day or at least 3 times a week and weekends with my sister and her children. I did all the jobs and the garden. And when it was just me and mam I was calm and not anxious or claustrophobic. We were so similar in nature and spirit. I didn’t realise until now. And she would always understand. She let me lick the spoon when she was making cakes like when I was a little girl. I miss her so much. I’m so pleased that you had the same close bond with your mam. We are indeed lucky to have known such a deep connection. But the intensity of her loss is unbearable. It feels like I will just rot away in this house alone. I can’t meet people because of my panic attacks. All the things I did before mean nothing now. I hate that I spent time on my garden when I could have been sitting with mam, talking to her. But we didn’t know. She didn’t know.
You are lucky to be surrounded by memories of your mam, whatever your brother is doing. My parents had to move from their old house because they couldn’t manage and so this was their new start. But mam didn’t get to enjoy it and make new memories, especially with covid. I wish they hadn’t moved. I miss the old house where we enjoyed so many things (even if it was stressful for me). I see her in the old kitchen baking scones for the afternoon. I didn’t know that would become so precious. I miss her gentle, kind and loving nature. I was so shocked at how everyone is treating me. Mam never pushed. She accepted my limitations and loved me just because she did. For no other reason. I wish I’d shown her more love. I hope she realised how much I loved her. I wanted to lay down on her side of the bed and look at the roof tops but dad changed the bed round. There is so little left now of mam. It is like she wasn’t there. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to keep her around him. I sleep in her velvet trousers so I am close to her. She always wore velvet at Christmas.
If there was an off button I would have pressed it when she left. If we had the option I wonder how many of us would take it because this is so very painful. Nobody else has added to the tribute site. It’s as if I’m drowning in my sorrow for her. I know she wouldn’t want me to but I can’t switch it off.
Tina, I’m so very sorry your mam and husband are no longer with you. The world becomes so small suddenly and it’s truly frightening. But at least you are not on your own in the house. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t share with you and all the lovely people on here. It’s like a new world we are living in. It feels like I’m just waiting to die so I can join her. I’m going to try to sleep now. I’m not even tired. Night xxx

Hello Christine
Just dropping by to say Hello. I don’t know how you are feeling since you wrote this last post as I can’t always work my way around the site to see more recent conversations but I hope you are in a calm place and things are settling. I went to the Churchyard today again, it’s like a nice little garden and the sun was bright. I keep saying that I’m going to “My Mum’s”, as though she is at her house, it’s a strange feeling. Maybe I’ve taken leave of my senses. I wouldn’t at all be surprised. Kind thoughts to you.

Back to top