Very good idea
*Lost82
My Marti had covid, he caught it first and give it to me and our boys. He was ill at home for 4 days then i rang for ambulance as he was breathless. The next day when he was in hospital he telephoned me saying where I am to pick him up in the car park when he gets better, he was so breathless talking to me, he could hardly talk, this was the last time I heard his voice and I repeat his voice over and over in my head. Then he was on CPAK for a few days, he was texting me saying he wanted the nurses to end his life and that he couldnt cope. He even said I’m to prepare for the worse in that he night not be coming home and that he was sorry for ‘putting me through this’. He was so agitated on the CPAK, doctors told me he kept trying to take his mask off. ICU telephoned me saying he was deteriating and was shattered so he was put on a ventilator for 7 days. My son held his Dad’s hand and said goodbye to him, he was 56, taken from us because of COVID.
I too have panic attacks and I’m hysterical in my head, I can’t get hysterical out loud as one of my boys are always home so I don’t want to scare them.
I’m worried in case I lose my mind as the emotions I feel are scary, I don’t want to live, I can’t do this it’s painful, torture.
Sending hugs to everyone
Amy xx
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@Amylost we were also told repeatedly that the Steve was taking the CPAP mask off. I don’t know why they didn’t sedate them slightly to take away the anxiety or the mask - I have heard so many stories about people reacting to the mask that way.
Amy, have you spoken to your doctor or to a counsellor? The feelings that you are having are perfectly understandable and I too have feelings of panic often now. Try to get help from whether you can - professional and / or friends and family. None of us want this life without our soulmates so we understand but you need help to try to deal with how you are feeling. I’ve signed up for the counselling- just waiting for an appointment to be available. Sending hugs
Lost82
Marti said the CPAP was horrendous. He would text everyday
Before he was ventilated he was shattered, so why wasn’t he given something to help him sleep. It’s heart breaking what he and others went through. I keep visualising him in distress.
Jules4
I spoke to my doctor couple weeks ago, she offered me diazepam, but I don’t need sleeping pills, I’m already on anti depressants. Im seeing counsellor tomorrow, this is my second visit, couldn’t see her last Friday because of the Easter holiday.
Sending you all warm hugs
Amy x
Was 4 weeks ago today that he went.
Tonight I bought 20 cigarettes (I quit smoking 4 years ago… I now don’t see the point) and a bottle of vodka.
It’s now 2am and I’m lying in bed wondering if I will be able to sleep.
I miss him so much. The guilt and the memories are just too much to bear. I don’t understand how people are meant to survive this. Or how they can even want too.
There should be a get out clause. A button that stops this pain. I’m just so done with it. Stephen wouldn’t want me in this state but I can’t imagine any other way of being.
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@Lost82
I hope you achieved some sleep, and your head is not too sore from the alcohol.
I’m not sure how we are supposed to get through the completly desperate first few months, but we do. If you read the posts on here, we got through those months, we are still missing our partners, we are still hurting, we still have really dark days, but we are still here posting. Don’t try and look to far into the future, whatever will happen, let it happen, decisons on the future can wait.
I hope you have something to look forward to this weekend
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We understand the hurt and desperation that you are feeling. Please try to make sure that you have someone with you today to help you through. I needed people around me yesterday (our Wedding Anniversary) and I too don’t know how to get though the next days and weeks. Somehow though, we will. Sending hugs
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That’s the first time I’ve drunk alcohol since he went into hospital.
Turns out it didn’t help me sleep and just made me even more miserable. Won’t be doing that again!
I texted ‘shout’ at 4am this morning (recommended from admins here) - without being a total drama Queen, for those people in crisis… don’t bother. It’s not the service I thought it was. I had saved it in my phone as a ‘in case of emergency’ really not a good idea.
Hello Lost82.
I’m really sorry you didn’t get the help you needed last night.
If you are in need of speaking to someone urgently, please consider the Samaritans. They offer a 24/7 free helpline: 116 123. They are experts at helping someone in crisis. You can also contact them on: jo@samaritans.org.
You can always comment on here, as many members are reading and posting throughout the night. They too would be able to offer comfort and understanding.
Lost 82, we are all here for you.
Take care,
Audrey,
Online Community Team
Dear Jules64, that will be a hard day for you. Its a long time to wait. Things will never be the same for us all but we can learn to survive. We are all going through this sad existence and can support one another. Its 12 weeks for me and still very tearful. Thinking of you. Xx
We had the funeral on Wednesday. It was beautiful. Lots of tears and memories shared.
Watching our babies carrying that coffin in was probably one of the worst and yet proudest moments of my life. They were so brave.
Then We all had a moment on the night of the funeral.
The kids camped downstairs with me - we were sitting there talking about him and I said ‘I will be happier once he’s back home’
They looked at each other and then both came over to me and my daughter in a ridiculously gentle voice said ‘mum… Stephen died, do you remember?’ and My step son was stroking my arm saying ‘it’s ok’
I looked at them and was like ‘I meant his ashes you twats’ cue everyone wetting themselves with laughter 
they thought I had had some psychotic break bless them.
I think it was what we needed to break the spell of the funeral.
Today I’m still empty.
I have cried but it’s like my brain isn’t working. A welcome fog if I’m honest. The only time it’s really broken through was for about 20 minutes last night. I was bordering on hysterical.
So strange because I had been ok most of the day.
Daughter was dishing up dinner and had 6 of the breaded chicken. She cut one up so The two boys could have one and a half each and I was like no there won’t be enough and she said there will so I started counting me, you, the boys… then realised what I had done and started proper crying… She was like mum it’s ok, it’s just chicken and I was hysterical saying I forgot, how can I forget.
Thankfully went back to numb after that. Numb is good.
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My husband’s cousin arranged a simple funeral for him, I was not even capable of thinking…
One the day I was on autopilot, people said how strong I was and how proud they were of me. Ha! Even I didn’t realise I was in total shock, so to that extent I must have seemed ‘normal’.
Hi Lost 82. You gave a beautiful and honest description of how it felt for me too. So Strange how we can still have a sense of humour in our darkest moments.
It’s 2 months tomorrow.
9 weeks on Friday.
It actually gets worse doesn’t it? The first few weeks were horrific but a blur, I don’t remember much at all, just a screaming sound in my head.
I wake up. I take kids to school. I walk the dogs. Pick kids up. Cook dinner.
I have no idea what I do the rest of the time. Stare out the window? Cry???! Watch birds fly and wish I was them?
This isn’t even existing. It’s like being staff. I do my job. I walk. I talk. I’m like a advanced version of a toy doll.
I take no pleasure from life, i want no part of it. I’m not even begging him to come back anymore - it’s like I’m resigned to my fate. I suspect this is what happens to people in prison when they are given a life sentence with no chance of parol - they just mentally die.
I’ve started counselling now so that’s an hour of the week accounted for. I just talk about how he died over and over and over again. It’s like I want to make my brain find the solution to it.
I’m just so sad. It’s just consuming me.
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Yes it does get worse as the initial shock wears off and the drudgery of the new reality sets in. But like everything in life, I think I am getting used to that new reality, whilst I hesitate to say it gets better, I think you learn to accept the current state of things and move around in a daze of constant grief
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That sounds so like me. If I keep explaining about the day he died, it doesn’t make sense so then it can’t have happened. No one can explain why / how it happened so surely it must be a mistake. Of course, my logical brain tells me that it has happened but the other part says it can’t have done.
Drudgery - that’s a good description. A life we didn’t want or choose and compared to the one we were happy with, well…there is no comparison.
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With no end in sight 
Feel exactly the same.
When I see my counsellor I keep going over why my soul mate went back to work during the highly strain of covid that was about over Xmas, I say this every time I see her. I need to talk about it everyday, but I can’t, I just have keep going over it in my head.
I feel so lost, I keep thinking he is about and I need to search for him but then the reality hits me and I realise he’s gone.
I wake up dreading the day without him.
Everything I do or see reminds me of him.
It’s 4 months now, I still cry everyday. Some days are hard but I cope, but then the tougher days I cry on and off throughout the day. I still have the raw feeling like the early days but my head doesn’t feel like it will explode.
I looked at photos of him on my phone, something I couldn’t do before, they made me smile.
Baby steps is literally what we do and I am doing that, we have no choice. Life will never be the same, we carry our grief with us, we just have to try to cope with our grief alongside us.
Sending hugs and so sorry we are all on this horrible journey.
Amy x
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