Totally lost

Hi all.
I’ve been hovering around for a few weeks now but finally decided to post.

I lost my partner 5 weeks ago to covid.
I am consumed with guilt.

I contracted it first. We were careful but 3 days later he started coughing - over the next 9 days we had the ambulance out several times. Eventually he was taken into hospital and diagnosed with pneumonia. He was only on a small amount of oxygen at first but deteriorated quickly - within 3 days he was on a Cpap machine, then he was ventilated. He refused the ventilator at first so I went down at 2am and convinced him to do it. 10 days after going onto the ventilator I got ‘the call’ oxygen was at 100%, sats were at 60% and he had gone into kidney failure. This was after days of near misses.
I was allowed to stay whilst they turned off the machine and stayed with him until his heart stopped.
No one knows that I agreed the DNR and for them to turn off the machines. I feel so incredibly guilty. What if I had refused? Would he still be here? I made them show me the X-rays of his lungs and they were totally white. He had had an immune response that had filled his lungs with inflammation. I made them take his blood gases and it showed that oxygen wasn’t going to his brain.
He wasn’t even 50.
He left behind 2 traumatised parents and 4 children. I don’t understand why no one is screaming at me that I killed him. I gave him covid. I wasn’t careful enough.

I’ve been to see him in the chapel of rest every dsy since he died. I don’t think it’s helping but I can’t leave him there alone. The funeral isn’t for another 2 weeks yet.

I feel like I’m broken.

Morning
So sorry for your loss
Covid is a killer hate the word my husband passed due to Covid December the 5th
And like you keep asking could I have done more
Should I have kept Andy at home with me
I rang 999 he said he didn’t want to go in hospital
But they said he had to so I beat myself up over that everyday
Take care xx

Morning,
Bless your heart , You didn’t make them at all , you did what was best for him .
Don’t beat yourself up about it none of this was your doing .You certainly didn’t kill him
this horrendous virus did that .
I do know how you feel , my partner Ray didn’t pass with this virus he had been absolutely
fine but had a stroke. I beat myself up as after the awful care he had in hospital I wish I had never
rung 999 and would have preferred if he had passed away here with me . Like you my guilt torments
me . Mine is 6months on and still very raw . You are still in a shock mode . All I keep doing is thinking
about what Ray would be telling me to do . Try and stop thinking about guilt you have nothing to feel guilty about
Take care
Jan x

I lost my husband just over 2 weeks ago. He was in hospital for 3 weeks Covid free until I got the call to say he had been tested positive caught on the ward. I had 1 hour with him - 60. I’m angry that for 3 weeks we had to video call each day because of no visitors and he still got covid.

Today I picked up his ashes and it just does not feel real waiting to wake up from a nightmare.

I understand your hurt but there would have been nothing you could have done. I bash myself too could I have done more.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Please don’t blame yourself or anyone else, covid is the true killer. The pain I can feel from your posts is palpable and my heart goes out you. It will be hard to get over these deaths and no amount of me saying how sorry I am for you all will help but I am sending you my love and blessings and hope that you can convince yourselves that it’s not your fault. Love and blessings xxxx

Hi lost 82. I thought I encouraged my husband to have a Nanno knife op for pancreatic cancer. He had a tiny tumour but it was on his artery and if they tried to remove it he would bleed to death. But it never grew for 16 months and it was the chemo and radiation that caused him to be weak and loose 3 stone in weight. When they stopped the chemo he began to feel well. He was eating and put weight back on. He had his 65th birthday party and was dancing. He almost danced into the operating theatre but that was the beginning of the end. He received poor aftercare and he succumbed to Sepsis and Jaundice.He stopped eating and was too weak to fight. I believe we should have carried on without any treatment and without the operation. Maybe he could have had another 5 yrs. But we don’t know. It was a right decision at the time. We all feel we should have done more but we did what we thought was best at the time. Please don’t bear the weight of feeling guilty. I send you my deepest sympathy. Xx

Lost82

I lost my partner on a ventilator 8 weeks ago, I was asked into give them permission to turn the machines off as he was on 100% oxygen, I refused but an hour later I was told by Drs the decision had been taken out of my hands and they did it anyway.
So they would of turned them off anyway it wouldn’t have made a difference.
I am so angry my man didn’t stay at home if we hadn’t gone out we might not have caught covid, I rang 111 he told me not to I feel so guilty but I thought he’d be back home later that day but he was put on a CPAP for a week then ventilator.

I can’t cope with the regrets and what ifs it is utter torture but please know your not alone i feel the same thoughts,

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

Dear lost82
I am so sorry for your loss. I have overwhelming sorrow and guilt too. I think I gave my man covid, we both had it. I have doubts that I done the right thing in letting him go to hospital or did I not call for help soon enough?. The guilt is eating me up & adds to the intense pain of losing someone so loved for over 42 years.
We followed all the rules, but I went out food shopping, thats where I think I caught it. We hadn’t been out, apart from a garden visit on Xmas day. We were being so careful, ironically happy to be together in lockdown, with each other. The sun is out today, it means nothing to me.
I hope your family are able to support you, we understand what you are feeling, we honestly do xx

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Thank you for all the replies. I have read them all xx

Weird day today.

Had the gardener round to quote to fix the hedge (Stephen was a big fan of chain saws… :joy:) he said he was only going to charge for his time as he lost his fiancée 8 years ago. Was very strange. Felt a bit like I was suddenly part of a club - despite not wanting to be.

I also put blinds up. By myself! Granted I’m 90% convinced they are going to fall down but they are up so that’s worth something right?

Have had several little bouts of crying today but no utter meltdowns. I took a sleeping tablet last night, maybe that’s why? :woman_shrugging:

I feel so disloyal doing anything at all. Like he will be sitting there thinking ‘how can she be doing stuff?’

I contacted a medium at 2 this morning - cancelled the appointment at 10. Just didn’t feel right.

You are thinking all the thoughts that the rest of us are thinking. I am still waiting to find out the cause of death for my husband. He went out for a run and collapsed. I have asked myself why didn’t I stop him (he was trying to get fit again post COVID which I gave him). He was monitoring his fitness carefully and taking it easier so would it have been right to stop him? Would it have happened anyway? As for the medium, it’s just wanting the contact with our loved one that we had daily contact with before. That’s perfectly understandable.

Today is a bad day.
I’ve moved the furniture around… to make the house a bit more manageable.
Well that’s what I was meant to do. What I actually did was put up loads of photos all over the house. I thought it would help. It didn’t. I’ve ended up curling up on the sofa in my dressing gown staring out of the window.

Sudden rang today. I can’t say they were particularly useful. Just lots of ‘this sounds so traumatic for you’

Will be 6 weeks tomorrow since he went into hospital and 4 weeks on Friday since he moved. It’s hard to even remember what my life was like 7 weeks ago.

7 weeks ago I had a life. I had a future.

Now I just want to go to bed and sleep until the pain stops.

2 Likes

I’m really with you on this. 3 5 weeks ago for me and so sudden feel as our future pulled beneath me.

You are doing right in trying to keep yourself busy. I went back to work yesterday which was daunting but not as bad as I thought.

This site helps because we are all going through it, have gone through it and somehow lead a life.

Really hard though and it hurts so much.

Sending hugs to you.

Christina

Last night was scary. It’s been 4 weeks tomorrow since he went and I have no idea what happened last night. I was tearful all day but it got to about 7pm and I just lost the plot.

My whole body was shaking and I felt freezing cold but all my muscles were hurting and I was hysterical. It’s the worst it’s been.

Took a zopiclone at 9 and ended up having 2 hours sleep which means I’ve spent the day today in a absolute fog.

Funeral is in 6 days. It can’t get any worse surely.

I am so sorry that you had another bad night. Our bodies are trying to process such shock and grief that these things are happening. I am also waiting for my husband’s funeral. I don’t think that these feelings are going to go away any time soon but the extremes will hopefully get further apart. Sending hugs

Thanks @Jules4

It’s been a much better day today. Still hard but nothing like yesterday.

When is your funeral?

My husband’s funeral isn’t until the 20th April - seems like a long time away although dreading it anyway as it makes it even more final.

The amount of time is horrendous though isn’t it? Stephen passed on 12/03 and our funeral isn’t until the 14th.

I’m absolutely dreading it.

We are talking to the vicar on Saturday to arrange the details - still so surreal.

I maintain that expecting someone to be coherent enough to plan a funeral of someone they loved is beyond wrong.

I am going to arrange my funeral and pay for it so that no one has to do for me what I’ve had to do.

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