I’ve been hovering around for a few weeks now but finally decided to post.
I lost my partner 5 weeks ago to covid.
I am consumed with guilt.
I contracted it first. We were careful but 3 days later he started coughing - over the next 9 days we had the ambulance out several times. Eventually he was taken into hospital and diagnosed with pneumonia. He was only on a small amount of oxygen at first but deteriorated quickly - within 3 days he was on a Cpap machine, then he was ventilated. He refused the ventilator at first so I went down at 2am and convinced him to do it. 10 days after going onto the ventilator I got ‘the call’ oxygen was at 100%, sats were at 60% and he had gone into kidney failure. This was after days of near misses.
I was allowed to stay whilst they turned off the machine and stayed with him until his heart stopped.
No one knows that I agreed the DNR and for them to turn off the machines. I feel so incredibly guilty. What if I had refused? Would he still be here? I made them show me the X-rays of his lungs and they were totally white. He had had an immune response that had filled his lungs with inflammation. I made them take his blood gases and it showed that oxygen wasn’t going to his brain.
He wasn’t even 50.
He left behind 2 traumatised parents and 4 children. I don’t understand why no one is screaming at me that I killed him. I gave him covid. I wasn’t careful enough.
I’ve been to see him in the chapel of rest every dsy since he died. I don’t think it’s helping but I can’t leave him there alone. The funeral isn’t for another 2 weeks yet.
I feel like I’m broken.