Tough week

Hi everyone, I couldn’t see this covered in any other conversations so I started this one.

My husband passed away in May suddenly and left myself and 2 young children devastated. I have been grieving him terribly since and feeling guilty I couldn’t save him with cpr.

This week I have discovered he has been unfaithful for at least the last 2 years, maybe more. I feel like my world has fallen apart. I am feeling betrayed, angry, and devastated. It feels like our whole marriage was based on lies and I’m really struggling to get through the day today. I’ve got my kids at home with me and they’re wondering why I’m upset.

Has anyone else experienced this after losing a spouse? I don’t know what to do and how to get through this. I feel so conflicted

2 Likes

Hi. I’m so sorry that you have found yourself in this unbelievable position. You have my sympathy. Please know that you have done your best for him, but it is a really difficult situation for you now.
There was a topic called Finding out about lies and deceit, under Coping with bereavement, a couple of months ago. FYI. :people_hugging:

I am so sorry. Xx
Sending you the biggest hug. Xx

Hi
Yes I’m dealing with this also. My husband drowned on holiday with me last year. About 2 weeks later I found out he had been having an affair since around autumn 2019 and as possibly on going. The discovery of the affair hurt more than the death and makes. It impossible to process the grief . It’s like two separate deaths one of the person I knew and one of a stranger. I wish I could give you advice but I can’t but perhaps knowing you’re not the only one this has happened to will help a little x.

1 Like

Thank you all for replying. Mandyjayne im sorry to hear you have experienced this too. You’re right it is so hard to grieve now, my feelings have changed from sadness to anger and it feels like I never knew him at all. Did you have any counselling to help you deal with everything?

I had grief counselling which helped in the sense I wanted to talk about it all the time to let it out. Family and friends mean well but they try to help and make excuses for him. You need to be allowed to just talk. I’m going to have trauma counselling from the NHS but there is a 9 month waiting list.

I know how you are feeling. It’s hard because those around you can’t imagine what it’s like, I know i couldn’t have imagined how I would feel in a situation like this.

Your children are young and hopefully the affair won’t impact them much. My children are 30 and 32 and the discovery of the affair has basically destroyed our family, we are dealing with it in different ways and can’t really help each other.

Try to talk about it as much as possible try not to bottle it up. I found talking about it helps.
My mother-in-law pressured me to keep it quiet. I soon realised that was going to push me over the edge. We have to talk to process things. I find myself going over and over the affair more than the death l I just can’t get my head round it.

I know what you mean about you feel you don’t know him. I was with my husband for 38 years. We met when he was 18 and I was 20. I felt I knew him better than he knew himself. He was very straightforward, a man’s man . Never a flirt and not in the least romantic, which is something I liked about him. I always felt he loved me and he felt like home. He didn’t need to make romantic speeches .

What I initially found was three drafts of a letter to her trying to end it because she had pressed him to leave me. It’s like poetry very romantic, a totally differ person to the one I have been with my whole adult life. I then found a bunny boiler type letter from her to him dated 19/12/19 saying ( in Spanish) merry Christmas to the love of my life . The rest of it is sickening and childish . She wants to caress his soul . She ends it ( again in Spanish ) with I love you with infinite madness. The man I knew would have been terrified by a letter like that. All the women I know say she sounds about 14, all the men think it’s scary . I know for certain had my adult son got a letter like that my husband would have laughed his head off and told hm to get shut of her because she sounds like a nutter. I just can’t get my head round it. It’s so bazaar.

Thank you for sharing that with me Mandyjane it really helps to know I’m not the only one going through this. My husband was also not flirty or anything and was very much a family man I thought and very protective of me and my daughters. I am wishing now that I never found out as my memories of him and everything we did as a family are all tarnished. I want to talk about it, I’ve been recommended to contact Cruse today so will ring them later and see if they can help. I don’t know whether to tell my mother in law or not. She’s been so supportive since he died and it would devastate her and ruin her memory of her son too. It’s so awful. My husband’s wasn’t just with one person, he was messaging women to come to his hotel while he was working away and arranging visits to their homes at other times. I don’t think it was more than a physical thing but I don’t know for sure as I had to make myself stop looking after a while as it was too much

My Son was with me when I found the letters . My Daugherty came whilst we were reading them. My initial instinct was to keep quiet but I could not expect my children to keep that secret as a burden. I also know that keeping something like that to yourself is detrimental to your mental health. I had cancer in 2021 fortunately a low grade thyroid cancer but at the time I didn’t know what type they are serval some are very aggressive . Because of the pandemic it took six months for results. My husband was very unsupportive, dismissive even … I had counselling and was told the pressure to pretend I was ok was making me far more anxious than I would have otherwise been .time. I know know his attitude was because he was having an affair. My kids mental health and my own are far more important than guarding his memory. Also constantly hearing what a gentlemen he was is infuriating . I tell people about it because I can’t pretend to be ok when I’m not . I feel I owe him nothing. I contacted the woman he was having an affair with he was so patronising and arrogant. Told me since he isn’t here to speak to me I should let him rest in peace and remember him for the good times WE shared. Times he shared with her he was betraying me like you said all my memories of my 38 years with him are tarnished.

Your own mental heath is the most important thing . You need to keep looking after your self and putting your self first in order to be the best you can for your children. If others get hurt that’s not your fault so don’t blame yourself it’s your husband’s fault not yours.

My husband thought he was in love which hurts more I would have been less hurt if it was just sex but the loving way he speaks to her, he is giving her support , they are there for each other when he couldn’t even be there for me when I was ill is torture fir me to think about. He became a totally different person under her influence ( much younger than him a total cliche) was totally disconnected from me and encouraged me to think that he was affected by me being ill.

That sounds so, so hurtful. I’m sorry to hear about how you were treated whilst ill with cancer. My mental health is definitely on the floor right now. Thank you for being so open about what you’ve been through, i feel at a loss what to do today but i guess in time and with counselling i will process and try and come to terms with it. Sending you strength

1 Like