My wife of many years died last month and I have been lucky with the support I have had from our good friends and my wife’s friends who have stepped in as well.
I know I am at the raw stage of grief so my emotions are all over the place but at times I feel like I am trapped in an enya song with all the phrases that are being well meaningly pushed my way about time and love and memories,looking forwards etc.
Like others on here I have stopped answering questions about how I am doing with a one word answer “shit” instead of open ended phrases like “oh you know”. The thing is know one else does know ,however much they love and care they can’t walk my footsteps and can’t grieve for me ,only I can do that.Omg I have started with the phrases now.
I do know how lucky I am with the friends
I have but sometimes a big hug and a shared tear is better than words.
Thank you for listening to my raw rant.
Stephen
Dear @Shyvoice1952
Welcome to the Community and for your open honest post which I am sure members here will be able to identify with. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your wife.
Sue Ryder has a Grief Self-Help Service that has useful information and will help you understand and cope with your bereavement and grief. When you feel the time is right, take a look at it.
It is good to rant rather than bottle everything up. Please be gentle with yourself and take one day at a time. We are all here for you. You are not alone.
Please keep reaching out here any time.
Take care of yourself.
Pepsi
Hi Stephen
My wife died Dec 2020 we had been together for 50 years and married for 47. The first couple of months were horrendouse, couldn’t talk or think about her without having a complete melt down as you say at the raw stage of grief. It’s got a little easier as time passes but it doesn’t go away. I find the lonelieness very hard even though I have my family around me, coming home to an empty house the worst.
I can’t remember the last time someone asked me how I was getting on or feeling, infact I can’t remember being asked that question at all. Neighbours around here are very good stop and talk and never bring up the question about Linda unless I mention it first.
Take care, Barry
Dear @Shyvoice1952, I am so sorry for your loss. Music has been a great source of comfort to me but not at the beginning of my grief; it was simply too painful. Enya sings like an angel and the one song I found myself playing over and over and sobbing to was, ‘If I could be where you are.’
I absolutely agree, sometimes words are not needed. All we sometimes need is just someone to be there, even in silence can be enough but as you say, a hug and a shared tear.
Take care, it’s a hard road we travel. x
IHi Kate
I think “If I could be where you are” sums up the sadness and emptiness of an overwhelming loss. I to have played it over and over and do get some comfort from it as bottled up tears tend to nag at the emotions .
There is no absolute answer to coping ,it’s more a question of emotional survival on a day to day ,hour by hour basis. Whatever gets you through the storm to face the next day and hope for a good memory that brings a smile.
One thing about grief is that it causes massive ramblings and jumbled comments.
Stephen
Hi shyvoice - you are right. At first and for some time it really is a matter of keeping on keeping on. There’s no timeframe, it takes as long as it takes. Being kind and gentle with ourselves helps, tho that often feels impossible to do. Specially in the early days, with all the stuff to do and the funeral etc. When it goes quiet that’s a strange time, you are left with your own thoughts and the realisation that your life won’t be the same again. All of this takes as long as it takes to process. You can’t rush it but it does become less totally all encompassing. I lost my daughter and it’s taken since January just to even start the long journey to find myself. If people say you should be over it they either haven’t experienced anything like it or they think ticking you off will sort it. It won’t. It’s a journey but it does get less overwhelming and keeping on day by day is hard but the full of pain does decrease. The waves get less like a tsunami and become gentler. I wish you all the best. This place helps and has propped my up when I needed it. Keep posting x
When my wife died just one month before our Golden Wedding, it set off the torrent of emotions which we can only wait out until they start to abate, which they do. I also had trouble with music setting off memories and tears, but they pass at well. Purely by coincidence, as I read your post, the song which my wife loved and often said I had to play for her at her funeral, just came on over the radio. I had no chance to play it at her funeral, because we didnt have one. We celebrated our Golden Wedding instead, and rather than play it, I sang it instead. It was “For My Lady” by the moody blues. I never thought I could hear it again without collapsing in tears, but I sang along happily with it again. I mention this because as I move on to my new life, it proves happy memories are FAR stronger than sad ones.
So hang in there, be positive with everything you do. Make your new life how you want it to be.
I never thought I would have got and given so many hugs, and after 16 weeks, I never miss a chance to get more.
Hi Tykey
I said at my wife’s eulogy that it’s never the wrong time of day for a hug ,cuddle or hand holding & I totally agree about the amount of hugs ,if I am offered one I will take it…A lot of what you said made sense to me so Thank You.
Stephen