Just wondering if anyone has any advice or tips to cope with being the one that found a loved one that had died? The whole day was traumatic as my dad was due at my house and just didnt show up so eventually i went to his house and found him in the kitchen. They tell me he wont have even known hed passed as was so sudden but its literally all i see when i close my eyes and i constantly have flashbacks to the day. I feel guilt because the next day i had to break it to my sister who was on a long haul flight at the time it happened and just so many trauma responses such as being scared to be alone, scared of the dark, stomach constantly poorly. Just wondered if abyone had had the same and how they coped?
Hi emma i found my partner on the floor when i returned home from work. Her son had been trying to call her since 9.30 that morning, i wasn’t too worried as i thought she had gone out and left phone indoors.
At 2.20 that afternoon i opened the front door to find Jane on the floor, called 999 and tried in vain to resuscitate her but she was long gone, i sat with her for about 6 hours while waiting for the coroner to collect her.
I can picture the whole event in my mind and its something i will never forget, how am i coping?? Not very well, i kissed her goodbye that morning going to work, never knew that would be the last time i would see her alive.
I take comfort in the fact that it would have been instant and she wouldn’t of known what had happened, im sorry i can’t help you with any positive advice but i wanted you to know there are others going through and feeling the same things as you are.
Hi @Emmag86
I’m sorry for your loss. I understand exactly how you are feeling. I lost my mum suddenly in October last year to cardiac arrest. Unfortunately I found mum, who had collapsed in her room, as she was living with us.
The traumatic element is still with me. I had some therapy (emdr eye therapy) with a therapist I already knew. I needed to work through the fact I couldn’t go into mum’s room and it did help. I still find it a bit challenging, but I have come to realise that I can make peace with the traumatic image, I won’t forget it but I can live with it and in time it will be less disturbing.
Sudden loss is always traumatic, when you are the one who discovers it even more so. Be kind to yourself. Hope you find some comfort here, as I have.
Always here if you want to chat.
Sending love and strength.x
@Kate111 sorry to jump on your post. I lost my mum 5 weeks ago, she lived with me & I heard her fall, I tried to save her with CPR. How do you ever get over not seeing her in the house? I had to go in to her room to clear things but I can see her in every room, just going about her day, and then finally seeing her in her room. My heart actually physically hurts and I feel haunted at seeing her.
I know how you all feel. Losing someone you love is always traumatic , but suddenly - the shock!!! - This times 5 weeks ago he was still with me in bed, by 9.45am I found him in the bathroom . He brought the usual cuppa up in the morning & my son says it was about 7 20am …. We heard nothing from the cuppa until I found him . It was an acute heart attack ( left ventricle) so we are presuming he passed out first ( google & nurse friends say it would have been ) being starved of oxygen before he passed hence why he possibly wasn’t in any real pain & didn’t shout out
I’m now lay of the sofa downstairs as I just cannot sleep. The first couple of weeks after it happened , although we went to be late ( my son 23, still lives at home , daughter 32 has rarely been home since & my son’s girlfriend has stated every day since) I slept without much problem , not sure if that was numbness , shock or what , ??? But now I’m just nit sleeping. Tried night calms , got sleeping tablets from pharmacy but nothing …. Anyone help with ideas ?
Joining you in the wide awake club. Was given 14 days zopiclone from GP then cast adrift. I started back at work on a phased return on Monday, I can barely function let alone attend meetings.
Its the guilt for me of what if id got to his quicker or been able to do cpr but i just knew as soon as i walked in that it was all too late, it brings me comfort when they tell me it was instant but then i lay in bed at night and convince myself it wasnt and if id just trusted my gut something was wrong earlier…they tell me he was gone before he hit the floor as it was something catastrophic. I am on the waiting list for EMDR as im juts scared of everything, the dark, my shadow, death. I want to feel comfort from the memories we had but just feel the opposite at the moment. Then i feel guilt about that. So sorry for your loss and thanks for your kind words xx
I found my hubby, he had collapsed in the street while out on his walk. The neighbours were performing cpr when i got there. The memories of that scene are horrific, the flashbacks are getting much less often tho, im 7 months in, so hope that you can take comfort from that x
@Emmag86 it’s awful. It was the same with mum. I’m guessing she was there for anywhere between 10 to 40 mins and when I got there I could tell it was too late. Cpr would not have worked on mum at her age and with her health problems I know.
EMDR does help because it trains your brain to not see the image as something that disturbs you. It is used for ptsd too.x
@Daisy57 you will eventually get used to not seeing your mum everywhere. Mum lived with us and I had worked from home for much of the last 2 years so it was incredibly hard to work from home once she was gone. In time you will get used to the absence, it’s very early days for you.x
@PollyjaneW have you tried melantonin for sleep? I’m always against pills but these are natural and at least they put me in a deeper sleep so I usually go through the night. Without them I wake up early and start overthinking.x
I also think mum was unconscious before she hit the ground. She didn’t call out and had just been in the bathroom to wash. It’s like fainting, but not waking up I believe. The heart switches off literally with cardiac arrest.
My partners uncle died in the same way last week and the paramedics confirmed this.
We have to take comfort that they didn’t suffer, but it’s extra hard for us left behind.xx
Cpr would not have worked on mum at her age and with her health problems I know.