Trauma of my dads death

Hi,

I lost my dad Easter weekend this year, it was very sudden. He’d been struggling with his blood pressure and the doctors basically just left him to die as they weren’t treating it. I woke up and heard him struggling to breath, so myself and my mum went downstairs to see my dad in the kitchen very breathless. We called an ambulance but whilst waiting I watched my dad die on the kitchen floor. I performed CPR untill the paramedics arrived and took over, where I helped them for the 45 minutes they continued on for. But he was pronounced dead when all their efforts didn’t work.
I’ve been struggling with the thought I could have done more to help him and just keep getting the vivid image of him scared and saying goodbye in the kitchen. I know realistically I did everything I could, but I just keep gripping onto the what ifs despite my best efforts not to.
Does anyone have any tips on how to cope with such a traumatic death. I know therapy is definitely a good idea and am looking for services in my area but any tips would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks

3 Likes

Hello @Emma23,

I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your dad that brings you here.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

Here is another good resource: Losing a parent - coping with the death of a parent | Sue Ryder

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

1 Like

Hi @Emma23. Many of us live with the “what ifs” in the early stages, and spend all our time analysing it. It does no good, and is almost certainly wrong.
I see you also see the value of therapy, which is great news
I had a coarse of Results Focussed Hypnotherapy, which was brilliant at helping me to stop regurgitating these thoughts and beating ourselves over the head with them. If you want any more info, please ask.
But dont lose faith, the heartache will come to an end.

2 Likes

Hi @Emma23,
Loosing your dad in this way has obviously been very traumatic for you, I’ve been through a few different therapies for past traumas, the best thing that helps is finding the right therapist, one you feel comfortable with, & preferably one that can adapt to your needs. There are also helpful websites like getselfhelp.co.uk they have information sheets & things you can print out for your own use. There is one called “PTSD metaphor” which explains that when we go through a traumatic event, we get flashbacks because our brain is trying to make sense of the event, it’s like one big block of too much information, so our brain is replaying it like that to try & break it down into more manageable chunks so it can make sense of it. But on the emotional side, it’s understandable that feelings are still very raw, it being so resent, & parents are a big part of our lives, we get so used to them being there, & it’s such a shock when they go. Take it each day at a time, & do what works for you.
Some people have said it has helped them to keep a diary, &/or a mood diary, personally I write my thoughts, or in some cases mind map, & colour code by mood, blue for sadness, red for anger, purple for fear/worry/anxiety, I find seeing it on the page Infront of me helps me get my thoughts in order.
I know how tempting it is to keep chasing “what ifs”, but from the sound of it there was nothing more you could of done, so be kind to yourself.
Sending hugs of support.

4 Likes

Some great tips given here.
I too feel traumatised by the day my dad passed.
It’s comforting ,in an awful way , that we are not alone …… hope that makes sense?...

5 Likes