Traumatic loss

Hi, I lost my Dad in December and the reason I’m speaking on here is that I’m worried that I should’ve have let go of images of my Dad passing by now (7 months on). Dad had been poorly for a few months and only just had a diagnosis of lung cancer a couple of weeks before, he was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and discharged 3 days before he had a heart attack at home. I was there with mum when he took I’ll at home, he couldn’t speak but looked really scared before collapsing . Mum was a superhero and performed CPR while I was on the phone to the 999 operator. when the paramedics arrived they worked for 20 minutes but nothing they could do. My mind is replaying the events of that evening every night before I go to sleep, I sleep ok when I do go to sleep but it’s really hard to not think about it. Dad was only 66 and I feel like he’s been robbed of the retirement he was looking forward to. We all miss him, he was a massive part of all our lives. Although our family are really close and we speak of Dad all the time, I’m finding it really hard to talk about that night in fear of upsetting them especially Mum. My sister wasn’t there when Dad died but came to the house soon after, I can’t speak to her either as I naturally want to protect her from the details. Friends have said at least I got to be with him at the end and I know they mean well but I don’t see it like that. I was the last person Dad was looking at before he collapsed and he looked really scared ( I haven’t said this to Mum of course) and I probably looked scared to him too. I suppose I’m just wanting to know if this sounds like a normal thought process. I have never lost anyone this close to me before and it hurts like hell, even after all these months. x

I lost my younger sister in April this year so almost 12 weeks ago. I too was there when she passed away. She was only just 50.From diagnosis to death took less than 3 months so it was a, shock and traumatic.
I too don’t like to talk much about how I feel to my parents again I don’t want to add to there upset.
You’re not alone. And I’m realising there’s no time scale to getting through these things.

Thank you for responding, it’s a comfort there are people who are feeling the same, I am so sorry for your loss, so young too. life is cruel. We knew of Dad’s cancer but no idea he was going to pass so suddenly, I am upset that we didn’t get chance to say/do things or to say goodbye, they said it was a heart attack that took him, He was all ready to fight the cancer, he said so earlier that day, so he had no idea what was coming either.

HI .So sorry that you are findi g it difficult to let go of the last images relating to your Dad’s passing. I too am haunted at the image of seeing my toned bronzed and previously healthy husband as he lay dying. It seemed that overnight he had changed into a skeletal being and when I pulled the covers back from his legs I felt physically sick at seeing how little flesh remained on his legs. It is nearly two years since Ron passed and the images are no longer so raw so please believe me that the overwhelming images you are remembering now will start to fade away and you will remember your dad as he was before he passed. There is no time limit on grief as you learn on this site but things Will improve as time progresses. I wish you well and please be kind on yourself. Your dad was obviously well loved.

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My sister was told she was going to die, that chemo was of no use. We had time to spend together, talk, she even planned her funeral, she was beyond brave.
I’d a, awfull day yesterday, I get so angry, it’s easier to be angry than to show how much pain I’m in… Unsure if that makes, sence.
I know in time it’ll get easier, I do try and remember the good stuff, her life up until the last 12 weeks, of it when everything appeared normal.

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Sorry that this is happening to you, I experience this all the time. My dad passed right in front of me and I replay that day and those exact moments all the time. 3 years later I still fall asleep thinking about him and then when I close my eyes it all replays. I started watching YouTube videos before I went to bed and I would fall asleep to them and that helped suppress the constant replay every night. I personally have never talked to my mom about the exact day and things, but my family members and I talk about it quite often because we were all in the same building when it happened so it was traumatic for everyone. Talking about it helps us all come to terms with the great person we lost and the shitty hand we were dealt. Don’t ever feel guilty talking about it, it’s what you need to do so that you can work yourself through the grief.

Replaying the passing of a loved one is the mind and body trying to process and absorb the shock and trauma. When a loved one passes we have no control over it and feel helpless, confused, lost and grasping for answers that again is out of our control. It is an internal struggle of trying to gain some understanding and logic to what we are experiencing. Grief is an outpouring of love with no direction because the focus of that love is no longer physically here with us. It’s a battle within us on the road to acceptance. What persists is what we resist. In time those replays will fade because we reach a point where we accept they are gone and not coming back. We now only have memories of our loved one’s which at the beginning are sad and devastating but in time those memories become treasures because we finally accept the why’s, but’s, if’s, guilt and all the emotions that bombard us during this grief journey and finally we begin to embrace the love. A person who passes leaves us without them physically being present but the love fills our hearts and gives us the strength to continue our lives in honour of them and to continue on with them constantly with us because they now reside in our hearts