Hi everyone,
I’m 29 years old and I lost my mum to cancer on the last day of January 2025 and I’m completely traumatised by the whole thing. She was 51 years old.
She was diagnosed as stage 4 in March 2024 after going to the doctors for pain in her shoulder. That was her only symptom.
I cared for her throughout her entire illness but before that, she was actually my carer as I have complex mental health issues. Although her actual death was peaceful, the entire time before that was so traumatising. She had an awful time with treatments and it took such a toll on her body and mind. On top of that, it felt like we had to fight for every single bit of help we received (but that’s a story for another day).
She was in hospice care for less than 48 hours before she died and most of that, she was unconscious.
Everything was just so quick and awful that I feel like I shut down and haven’t been able to process everything.
I’m currently having counselling with the hospice and while that is really helpful, the sessions will be coming to an end soon and I have no idea what to do next.
She was my rock, my best friend and my favourite person in the whole world and now she’s gone and I am expected to carry on.
I think part of me is still in shock. If anyone has experienced anything similar, please tell me it gets easier…
2 Likes
Hi @Louisa95,
Thank you so much for sharing this with the community 
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.
Take good care,
Naoise
2 Likes
Thank you, I appreciate that 
Hi im so sorry for your loss, i was in a very similar situation , i lost my mum to cancer when i was 29 and she was 62.
She went to the doctors with a cough and ended up being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, it was a huge tumor that went into her chest wall, it couldnt be removed after further examination, she had 1 session of chemo and it caused her a severe stroke & she died 6 weeks later.
I shut down to the world, was very numb , it was like someone blew a massive hole in my heart.
I have found, you never forget,but it does get easier, you just put one foot in front of the other and over time you just adapt and learn to live with the pain, i guess it sort of becomes a part of you, i do now find comfort in places my mum liked or comfort in memories etc,i find my self saying a lot mum used say… im here if you ever need to talk.
2 Likes
Hi,
Thank you for taking the time to reach out and reply. I really appreciate it.
I’m so sorry for your loss too. Losing your mum is completely devastating.
We have so many similarities in our stories.
My mum had lung cancer too. The tumour in the lung itself wasn’t the biggest problem, it was the spread that was so aggressive. It’s a silent killer. By the time you experience symptoms it has usually already spread. I still can’t believe a simple pain in her shoulder meant stage 4 cancer. Lung cancer is so aggressive too.
I’m glad you have found ways to find comfort in your day to day life. I miss my mum so much and constantly crave that connection to her. Her brutal last months will be etched in my memory for a long time to come and I hope one day I’ll be able to look beyond that and remember her how she deserves to be remembered.
Again, thank you x
1 Like
I still remember like it was yesterday, when i see my fiancé with his mum or shes text or ringing him, it hurts a lot, i said to him you dont know lucky you are. Id give anything just to pick up the phone and ring her or text her, of course he doesnt understand really, he tries to.
My mum had a lung tumor, when they first found it they said they could cut it out and it could give her upto 5 yrs , but upon investigation it had gone down into the chest wall. That was it nothing could be done, her first doze of chemo gave her a severe stroke, 6 weeks later she died. She was in so much pain, all this stemed from a cough that she developed and wouldnt go.
How can a cough be stage 4 lung cancer.
My dad was the same, he died of brain & lung cancer, lung cancer being the main source, it was the size of a 5p, but it spread to his brain in 6 patches, it was so aggressive, it effecting his walking & balance, one of my mums sisters went the same way too, all three of them were heavy smokers. I could go weeks and get on with life and then out of no where it hits me all over again.
Oh how awful. I’m sorry you’ve experienced so much loss, heartbreak and grief. You’re an incredibly strong person.
Lung cancer doesn’t make headlines like other cancers but it’s so lethal and aggressive. I didn’t know before all this happened how terrible the statistics and survival rates are for lung cancer.
My mum was a smoker but quit and hadn’t smoked for 10+ years when she was diagnosed. The damage had already been done.
I think when you experience so much grief and loss, it’s bound to keep coming back and hitting you. I can’t ever imagine not feeling some sort of weight from this. I know people say that time heals but I just can’t see that being the case
Same here, when i registered mums death, the gentleman that did it for me said that lung cancer is right at the top of the list, most deaths he said he records day to day is lung cancer, i think they shpuld raise more awareness with lung cancer, last year i went through a health issue, i was so frightened id end up like my mum & it would be cancer, thankfully it was only a fibriod, but it scared me so much its caused health anxiety, which ive now been told by a councillor that its all trauma based from seeing mum like that.
My finance smokes a bit ,nothing like mum & dad and my aunt, but i keep going on at him to stop now while he can, thats the thing isnt it, when you have seen just how bad it gets its sticks in your mind, i think greif is like an earth quake, you get loads of after shocks, i have days now where it will just hit me & then ill feel so angry .
I totally understand the health anxiety. Once you’ve seen how quickly things can change, it’s impossible not to overanalyse every symptom and think the worst. It’s given me that sense of dread too - that your life can completely change (and end) in an instant.
That’s a great way of describing it. The aftershocks are so hard to deal with
Seeing what cancer can do at its worst it scares me, if an advert on telly comes on we change the channel or mute the telly, same as in the doctors surgery i sit behind one of the pillars so it blocks the screen from my view, otherwise it just sets me off, sometimes i feel i can never escape it, it always reminds me of mum & dad, once you have witnessed it, its so hard isnt it fo forget or unsee.
1 Like
I lost my dad just 4 weeks ago. I slept on the bedroom floor of his care home in that last week. It was traumatising. He was in so much pain. It took days for the pain team to get his meds balanced so he was sedated. I laid there listening to him cry out in pain. Awful. He had many terminal illnesses but he fell into a septic coma and passed away.
I’d gone home that morning. Exhausted. I needed a break. To sleep and shower. The call came to get back there asap but I was too late. About 10 minutes too late. I should never have left him. I am signed off work. I’m a bit all over the place mentally. I feel numb. Or very emotional. The funeral was hard. I’ve reached out to 2 local bereavement support groups for counselling. Both come back saying they are not taking any new referrals at this time. So now what? My boss is calling me on Monday. They’ll want to know when I will be going back to work. I work frontline in a job where I am helping people. How can I do that when I’m not even sure I can help myself. I miss my dad.
Im so sorry for your loss, i remember feeling numb and cut off, almost like life has stopped but everyone is still going. Mentally i wasnt there, i just completely switched off, was just functioning like a robot. I had private counselling for loosing mum, you could try that? Or go through your doctor. That would be what i would do.
My mum with her cancer she had a lung tumor that went to her chest wall, she was in constant pain & discomfort. She held on and on for me, i still remember to this day her nurse ringing me saying it was very near, id never of made it, the nurse out the phone to my mums ear, i told her i loved her & if she wanted to be with dad just go i understand, she then smiled and just went from what the nurse told me.
Yet my dad he has lung cancer size of a 5p and it went to his brain in six places, he went in to the hospice talking and sitting up , eating a bowl of ice cream,with a few hours, was completely out of it, when he died, the nurse went in to put him to bed, told him she will be back in 10 mins and in that time he passed, we saw him 10 mins after he died, i think sometimes loved ones dont want us to see them slip away which is why its always done from our view, like their saving us if that makes sense.