Day 58. Still lost. Still raw. I’ve been going out and about doing the activities of daily living. Mentally brace myself when I know that where I’m going is where we regularly went together (the local butcher for one). Been doing OK (if you don’t count the tears streaming down my face when at whatever place for the first time. At least in those cases I know it’s a possibility so am a bit better mentally prepared. Take a deep breath and just do it.
Where I get blindsided is when I think I’m heading off to a perfectly emotion free location. For instance, had my biannual mammogram last week. Been doing these unaccompanied on a regular basis for decades as it runs in my family. So I went, did the gram. As I was leaving the hospital, was standing at the side of the road waiting to cross. It dawned on me that 2 years prior, on another hot and humid day, John had driven me there, and I was standing at the very same spot waiting for him to pick me up as he had gone shopping. Well the floodgates opened. Not at all prepared for that. How do you all manage the triggers when you’ve forgotten that it was yet another done together thing?
Maybe it just is what it is and there is no way to manage them better when they happen. Am struggling.
Hi @iamposeygirl. I’m so sorry you have lost your dear husband and find yourself here on this site.
I’m almost 5 months in and sadly still get caught out suddenly by things that set off my emotions/ sadness/ despair ….
I’m better prepared for some things and have tried to adapt ( or really avoid) those things which are just too difficult at the moment.
Often it’s little things that catch me out and often are of no consequence, but for some reason trigger something in my brain that starts or intensifies the feelings and emotions.
I have noticed that when I have a special occasion or event occur, that I am better on the day than I think I will be, but the aftermath is often horrendous and sweeps me right down to the bottom of what seems like a deep dark hole.
Sorry that’s not much help except that you know you’re not alone struggling to manage. It maybe gets easier as time passes and we face all that we can possibly remember about our loved one and our life together.
Keep posting here if it helps - there is always someone here who understands and can listen and offer some kindness and support. Xx
I agree, after a ‘good’ day or days, I find I have a down period.
I think it is my subconscious reminding me what has happened and trying to work out why I am not sad, grieving, or is it my heart reminding me it is broken.
Hi im sorry for your lose. It has been a while since posting on here. It is 9 months for me since i lost my partner Dave. I agree it is the things that you dont expect trigger your emotions. I was in a taxi on my way home and i could feel the tears coming as i thought dave walked everywhere and he will never walk these roads again.
I find just going into town shopping hard to as he worked on the doors in the pubs.
Life is so cruel that our loved ones have been taken away.
Yes life can be cruel and the more you loved, the harder it is to cope I think. Little thoughts creep in and you either give in or try to hold off until it safe to cry. I hope that these feelings ease in time, never forgotten but managed better.
@Poll6 You are right the more you loved it is harder to cope. I am finding i can hold it in now and cry at home. It is easier but unexpected things can trigger it off this hurt will never go away but i hope as time goes on i can smile at memories and remember how lucky i was to have met dave and how much joy he gave me and not break down crying with all the hurt.
I have been trying to talk myself into avoiding a grief attack when I feel the floodgates are coming loose, and at times it has worked. Especially in a public place. I tell myself “hey trigger get a hold of your emotions”.Sadly, yesterday after what seemed like a decent day, I simply walked out of my home office and as I stepped into the hallway a terrible overwhelming urge to see my husband took over me and I broke down with no warning. It is so exhausting and draining. I wish I could tell you how to manage the triggers better but all we can do is listen to each other as mourners. That way at least we don’t feel as if we are the only ones having the painful breakdowns consistently. It’s eleven weeks for me and I am praying for the ability to go through this without having it destroy me.
My partner of thirty years has been gone three years now. Strangely its supermarkets that set me off. I still find myself crying sometimes in stores when shopping. It is a bit easier now after three years but I still have to leave the trolley sometimes and go outside to compose myself. She was a veggie so alot of what she ate I didnt but I used to do much of the shopping so when I shop now I see stuff that I only would buy when she was here and it upsets me.
Oh Peter I know what it’s like doing the shopping. I do find it a bit easier now than when my husband first died. Although I do still feel self conscious sometimes as if people know that I am on my own. Stupid I know. Hope things improve for us all.
My sister was a bit shocked when I told her there are areas of the supermarket that I walk by without even looking at the products. I avoid so many sections that I buy very little for myself. I’m not even cooking and my diet is irregular to say the least. Only people like us can truly understand the complexity of grieving for a spouse…they encompass all aspects of our lives.
I had to leave the supermarket yesterday as I found myself looking at things Ray would have liked, I was in floods of tears when I got back into my car. I came home and did an online shop as I find that easier. My daughter tells me not to be so hard on myself as it has only been six weeks since my husband died.
Rajay. You are not alone in this. John and I both loved asparagus and would buy big bunches of it to add to salads, steamed with meals, BBQd. Prior to his coming into my life, asparagus was something only had at a formal dinner. These days, I can’t even look at it without it making me tear up. To have any of it inhabit my fridge is at the moment a step too far. It’s the most trivial of things…pistachios, chocolate ice cream, smoked salmon, clam chowder, chocolate covered maschino cherries, any kind of seafood.
First instinct still is “oh we’re running low and John likes this”. Then it is like a whack over the head. He’s not here anymore.