The celebrant is coming tomorrow to plan the funeral. I don’t want to see him.
I need to tidy up but the house was disintegrating for months as H was ill and the last 2 weeks since he died things have got worse.
I can’t motivate myself to vacuum or clean. What does it matter? What does anything matter. I hurt myself yesterday (I don’t mean a suicide attempt, I fell over) and that’s making it worse. I took painkillers yesterday because that’s what H would have wanted, but today I’m almost enjoying the pain because I hurt so much emotionally I should match physically. That sounds stupid. I’ve gone mad. Like women in Victorian books go mad with grief.
Just venting a bit because I have no one to talk to. I don’t want to drag anyone down with me.
This is beyond awful.
So sorry for the pain of your grief. Just keep going hour by hour. Everything you’re feeling is understandable so I imagine the celebrant won’t be worried about the house. You have other priorities… If there’s anyone to help with practical stuff like cleaning and meals, let them. Find a simple structure for your days that includes eating and fresh air if you can. Take care, these are difficult times to manage…best wishes xx
@LizFar hi i went thru all these emotions i even thought of ending my life because the grief was so unbearable 
with support from my lovely daughter who herself is fighting cancer and my understanding Doctor 8 months on yes i still feel the pain of my loss but i am sure she would want me to carry on with my life dont be ashamed that just because a little houswork is missing and the house is perhaps not as tidy no one including the celebrant is going to judge you.
Please dont think that physical pain is some kind of penance look at the life you had together remembering all the good,funny things you did 
together.
It is very early days we all have been thru this nightmare but believe me you are not alone
Try and get support even from friends, family or a councillor Remember this forum is full of people who have experienced this trauma.
We and all the lovely people on this forum are here for you if you just want a chat or any help im sure we can help you as i have been supported
Sending big hugs
I found having to make choices about my husband’s funeral helpful. I think I could concentrate on doing one last positive thing for him.
I’m sure that celebrants meet people in all sorts of circumstances and you shouldn’t worry what your house is like.