I don’t really know what to say. I lost my mum in March after 3 years of cancer, she was in a hospice for the last 8 weeks of her life and had what can only be described as a long and horrible decline. I was with her everyday and saw the pain and suffering she was in, towards the end she lost her personality and went from being a strong, funny, caring individual to a small and frightened little girl.
I don’t want to go into too much detail as I’m sure a lot of you have been through similar but I can’t get over the way she died. It really haunts me especially at night and I can’t help thinking of the last days she was here and how scared she must have been. People keep telling me to think of her as she was but I can’t, I just see her tears and the pain in her face.
I think the worst part is people including family telling me how strong and brave she was throughout her illness (which she undoubtedly was) but they weren’t there during the worst times, I was the one she told about her suffering and I don’t want to change anybody’s memory of her but I can’t talk to anyone about the way I feel and the nightmares i’m having.
I just want to know if anyone else had this and is there a point when I’ll just get back to remembering my mum?
I can totally relate to how your feeling right now. My dad went from being a seemingly fit and healthy man who was enjoying retirement, travelled round the round and still played golf, to being a thin, frail and frightened man that barely left the house, all within the space of three months. His final days haunted me big time. I was so angry with the injustice of it but also hurting like hell to watch the decline and not be able to do a thing about it.
He kept his illness very private so it was only myself and his partner that were privvy to this (my sister wasn’t interested)
It does get easier in time. You won’t forget but other memories take up more of your thinking space. It just takes time
I found it useful to read a book called losing a parent (I’m not great at talking to people). It allowed me to see that everything I was feeling was normal and not alone. I also find looking at photos of him during happier times help, by showing me he had a good life overall x
I think the worst part is feeling like the only one who saw this side. I’ms so sick of people telling me how brave she was, I know she was but bloody hell she didn’t deserve what she got. I’m so angry and just disgusted with her ending (not the help she received or the care or anything). It just seems so unfair.
I’m really struggling to be able to talk about how I really feel, every time someone asks I just say “I’m ok” because I can’t put it into words.
Thanks for your recommendation, I’ll definitely look into it. I think it’s just good to be able to vent a little bit.
My husband passed away after suffering with cancer.The last few months for him were terrible,he put on a brave face for everyone.I remember the effort it took for him to prepare for friends and family visiting, making out he was doing well.Again like you no one saw what it was like the rest of the time.I nursed him at home,so now I have a constant guilt ,at the time I thought I was doing the best I could ,now I wish I’d done so much more.
He was admitted to hospital and died shortly after.His final hours were something I to will always remember,he looked so scared ,it was so far removed from the peaceful death at home he’d hoped for.
Now I would give anything to remember him like he used to be,and all our happy times together but I just cant. All I can remember is what he was like in those final months and hours.Thats to painful so I just block out everything.
I know the feeling of telling everyone “I’m fine.” no point in embarrassing people, and do they really want to know ,all that I’ve just told you.In fact though friends and family have been so good at being in constant touch with me ,no one ever talks about his death (the elephant in the room )
I suppose we keep all our feelings to ourselves to protect people from all the terrible emotions we’re experiencing,and we’re feeling so mixed up because we loved the people we lost.
Take care I know this message will be of little help to you but I hope you get back all your happy memories of your mum,these memories are still there I’m convinced of this.You mustn’t give up ,I’ve got happy memories somewhere and I intend to get them back ,I think we’ve had enough taken from us. .
I always just say I’m fine too, when anyone asks but I’m tired of it now.
There is just so much that people don’t see. And I try to see that, although those times were tough, to not have been there would have been far worse. In a weird way i feel quite privileged though.
Memories of those tough times don’t disappear but i have found that they have become less intense over time.
I still have his text messages on my phone and it makes me smile reading what were at the time normal messages between father and daughter, despite the diagnosis he was given. When i back out of my driveway, i always think of his backseat driving, telling me it was clear to pull out into the road. At the level crossing he would complain bitterly about having to wait ages for the train to pass and i would roll my eyes every time. It’s funny how the things that used to drive me mad, actually make me smile now.
I shall say goodnight for now but feel free to rant away. These forums are great for expessing emotions. Nobody judges and everyone understands
I also lost my dad 2years ago,he fortunately had the perfect end(for want of a better phrase)he was so scared of hospitals,he felt a little unwell went into a coma and never recovered.This meant I never got chance to say goodbye,but I remember him as he always was.
I also have memories of all his little habits,and can picture him doing certain things like sitting in HIS chair . I’m so grateful to have these memories, even though they make me cry sometimes,but I enjoy remembering him.
It was strange when I lost my dad ,I felt I’d reverted back to being a little girl,even now when things are hard I think I’d just like a cuddle from him ,and for him to be around to make every thing right.I do miss him but I feel I’ve grieved for him in a healthy way.Lots of crying lots of memories,and a brother to talk to about him.
This is why the loss of my husband is so different.No crying ,no happy memories,and no one you can burden with what really happened in those last year’s ,and final months.Im just worried that my grieving process for him is not going down a healthy road.Its been so good seeing messages on this site,to know lots of people have problems with loosing someone they love,it makes me feel more normal.
This message makes me sound like a real depressive, I’m not ,just not got anyone to rant to.On a lighter note I think my little dogs depressed he’s been left with a woman who doesn’t like walking up a large hill to his favourite field.
Best of wishes to you all, I’m off now to take him on a boring walk.
I also lost my dad 2years ago,he fortunately had the perfect end(for want of a better phrase)he was so scared of hospitals,he felt a little unwell went into a coma and never recovered.This meant I never got chance to say goodbye,but I remember him as he always was.
I also have memories of all his little habits,and can picture him doing certain things like sitting in HIS chair . I’m so grateful to have these memories, even though they make me cry sometimes,but I enjoy remembering him.
It was strange when I lost my dad ,I felt I’d reverted back to being a little girl,even now when things are hard I think I’d just like a cuddle from him ,and for him to be around to make every thing right.I do miss him but I feel I’ve grieved for him in a healthy way.Lots of crying lots of memories,and a brother to talk to about him.
This is why the loss of my husband is so different.No crying ,no happy memories,and no one you can burden with what really happened in those last year’s ,and final months.Im just worried that my grieving process for him is not going down a healthy road.Its been so good seeing messages on this site,to know lots of people have problems with loosing someone they love,it makes me feel more normal.
This message makes me sound like a real depressive, I’m not ,just not got anyone to rant to.On a lighter note I think my little dogs depressed he’s been left with a woman who doesn’t like walking up a large hill to his favourite field.
Best of wishes to you all, I’m off now to take him on a boring walk.
That lost little girl feeling is what i have. My mum died when i was 14 so it feels like I am a child trying to get through life alone, despite the fact I’m 46 and have my own family. But it’s like you say, it’s difficult to talk to people because I don’t know anyone else who’s experienced this apart from my dad’s partner. She has a huge family and they are constantly there for her. On top of all the other emotions I feel jealousy, because I don’t have that family support thing. My friends arrange to do things with me then let me down at the last minute.
I worry too, that I’m going down an unhealthy route. Not a week goes by that i don’t feel physically crap. I’m picking up every virus going and seem to have regular headaches, which make me feel even more low than i already do.
7 months in, i feel like I’m in a worse place now than i was at the beginning. At least then the tears were flowing.
I hope those walks in the sunshine with your little dog, help. I often feel it’s these things that we can’t avoid getting out of, that somehow keep us going
Xx
this rings such bells with me. Your comment about your Mum becoming a small and frightened little girl again. The same with my strong willed and lively Mum. Watching her decline and become so sad and bewildered has not been easy to forget or come to terms with. I am sure your Mum was brave, they always are when their children are there aren’t they? I saw my Mum cry only once and like a child I wiped away her tears and stroked her hair to try and make her feel better.
The nightmares and flashbacks do seem to fade after a while. Are you getting much sleep? I am eleven months on nearly from my Mum passing away and still have problems at night. If it gets too much I have a cat nap during the day which seems to help.
I won’t say it gets better, it gets different though. It is an existance, just get through each day and take it as it comes. Some are much worse than others as you know.
I have written elsewhere on this forum about meeting a childhood friend recently and sharing memories of our Mums and the great friendship they had. It was a lovely day which we both enjoyed so yes you will get to a point where remembering your Mum fondly will happen.
I’m finding it truly hard and how much I miss my mom my whole life revolved around her ,coming home and she’s not there is awful,the pain in my stomach and chest seems to weigh me down,I just keep thinking that she wouldn’t want me like this but it’s so hard ,and trying to carry on normally,people say it gets easier and I want and need it to,I think when you have spent the time in hospital with them it’s even harder,sorry if I have gone on but I can understand how you feel.
Hi. I am so sorry for your loss. Like you I lost my mum in March of this year. She died of cancer too and went from being my rock to a frightened little girl just like your mum. It tore me apart and to be honest I haven’t recovered. I don’t know who I am anymore. I want my mum back so much but I know that I can’t have her. My only comfort is looking at old video and photos of her and reading old letters. Then she ‘comes alive’ for a little while. Be strong. You are not alone. Somehow we will all get through this.
My Mum died of stomach cancer when they found the tumours they were so big that they had to stop feeding her.
If she ate she wouldn’t be able to digest her food.
Like you all I was with my Mum in the hospice and my Mum had to starve to death, yes I know the cancer killed her too but they couldn’t give her any food because she’d aspirated it as it couldn’t be digested and then it would go into her lungs and then she’d get pneumonia and then she’d die.
It was awful watching a beautiful strong funny Mother and best friend die like that.
I don’t think that trauma ever goes away I think u just learn to live with it. It’s been 3 years and I still feel very very unhappy lost angry. Why do our loved ones have to suffer a death like that.
God - that must have been so awful for you. When my mum was in the last stages in hospital she stopped eating. I couldn’t bear it and took her mashed weetabix and milk in. I tried to put it in her mouth with a spoon as I was so desperate for her to eat. The food just sat there in her mouth and the nurse had to take it out. It broke my heart. You are the first person I have told that to as it is so painful to remember.
Stay strong - and I am so very sorry for your loss. x
Gosh u were strong taking in mashed weetabix for ur Mum
I was so afraid I just held her hand I was not good like u. I was useless I did nothing I just sat in disbelief everyday.
My heart breaks for u I’m so sorry u had to go threw that with your Mum thank u for sharing that with me sending you a big hug I too am so so so sorry for ur loss xxxxx